Spiritual emergencies, out-of-body experiences, precognition, spontaneous healing, perspective shifting, problem solving, intuitive knowing, déjà vu, leadership development, observing the ethereal, paradoxes, epiphany, mindfulness, astral entities, synchronicity, self-actualisation, inception, subliminal messaging, narcissists & empaths, shamans & psychologists, philosophy of Nature & Man, cognitive dissonance, magic, quantum reality, esoteric practice, consciousness, manifestation, freedom and love. No, this isn't a list of words which would score well in scrabble. They're a few things which will come up in the story of how I became a coach.

I hope the words I write do justice to eulogise the Truth of my journey as I have lived and experienced it. I wish to give you a semblance of the sensations and satire I slept in. I hope to expose you to the chaotic chorus of questions that guided my quest. If only you could feel what I have felt, if only you could see through the eye of my soul, then maybe you would understand. But alas, words are the weapon I have to barrage the fantastical fortifications of your mind.

(please bare with me, this is a working draft)

Introduction
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Let me take you back to a time when life was step-by-step-safe-and-simple. Let me introduce you to a Matt who was yet to be knocked down, kicked around and built up by an array of experiences which would come to boggle the mind. I would say that my journey began in 2017 when I made my first real choice. Or at least, that was when things 'changed'. However it was 2019 when I made it my conscious intention to learn about body, mind, soul, Nature, and the holistic interactions between all, for if I wanted to know the Truth of one, I had to discover the Truth in all. Those words do little justice to what I learned and experienced. Where there were questions, I sought answers. Where more questions arose, I followed with inquisitive intention. And where exoteric knowledge left uncertainty, I dared to find out through first-hand esoteric experience. But first, before we talk about the juicy bits, let's start with a little overview of my life which led up to 2017.

Starting with some words which feel as if they've been extracted straight from a Freudian fantasy - My childhood was 'normal' so far as I was aware. Although, didn't someone say that childhood was in and of itself one long traumatic experience to be later addressed as an adult? Anyway, I had a mum, a dad, an older brother of 5 years and myself. My parents divorced when I was 10 so we used to move house quite a lot - I realised later in life that I've never lived in one place more than 4 years. I didn't minded that though because, again, it was 'normal' to me and kind of exciting. By age 12, my mum bought a house in High Wycombe and I when to a (state) grammar school where I did pretty well. I spent a lot of time alone. Whilst at school I never quite fit in; I was a part of the oddball group each school seems to have. I used to prefer gaming rather than doing my homework (although, who doesn't). I recall Skyrim and Call of Duty occupied an inordinate amount of my time. My mum worked very hard to gain further education and support myself and my brother. We had festive Christmases, a warm house, good food, and lots of pets including boxer dogs, cats, fish, degus, a snake, rabbits and fish. Materially we had a good life. I was fortunate to go to a good school, I got to play and watch rugby on the weekends, and I kept fish. My tropical and saltwater fish tanks were my main passion growing up. What else? I used to have a deep affinity to crystals and gemstones because I thought they were cool - any spiritual properties were of less interest but I did believe in it despite my scientific mind questioning the validity of crystals influencing physical matter. I had a cat called Tigger. We grew up together and he was my good luck charm. I would stroke him if I ever needed extra luck and it always paid dividends. Anyone who has had a deeply intelligent cat knows that they know how you are feeling. Tigger was always there for me when no one else was. During long journeys I used to sit in the back of the car and look up at the clouds wondering what was beyond and talk to whoever was up there. I'd do this whilst watching the streaking raindrops trickle across to window threading their way between other static water droplets on the outer glass. Oh, I was always scared of the dark. I used to see things in the dark. Or should I say, I could sense them. All I could do was speak to whoever was in the ether to keep me safe. That is, unless Tigger was there to keep me safe. As I got a little older, my mum remarried a man who turned out to be rather narcissistic and they eventually divorced. Nonetheless, he was financially well off so we went on some cool holidays and trips. I note this because I think it's important to know that I was financial secure growing up, not that I asked for anything material. Half way through secondary school, I swapped from playing rugby to cricket as I was quite good at cricket. In short, my childhood and teenage years were 'normal' in the sense of that my life consisted of school, gaming, fishkeeping, cricket each weekend in summer, a - 'normal' amount of disfunctional - family with animals and cadets which I had taken up at age 15.

I found something resonated deeply about cadets. You might say that I enjoyed 'playing soldier'. Thats a daft term, but we were 'playing soldier'. We were doing all the training regular army units do but as teenagers. Usually, cadets is 'for kids' and somewhat underwhelming - marching around and tame outdoors camping experiences are some of the best things most cadet units get up to. We were extremely fortunate that we had a man run our unit who joined the school as a history teacher fresh out of being a captain in the army. He took over cadets the year before I joined and treated it as an adult unit. I looked up to him, as many of us did, because he was a true leader. He treated us like adults but knew the line that we were still youths. Thanks to his playful enthusiasm, serious training and shining example we were performing to a standard better than genuine military units. Training at school included range shooting and lots of classroom based learning but so that we could put our learning into practice out in the field. During full weekend exercises we were 'playing soldier'. If anyone has been airsofting or paintballing, it was somewhat like that but without projectiles. It was as real as real could be without being actual warfare. We were using full kit including rifles, blank ammunition, night vision, radios, camouflage, exposed to smoke grenades, staged scenarios and a reactive enemy. We were performing reconnaissance, staging attacks and ambushing enemy. We learned how to deal with medical emergencies and handle extremely chaotic situations with calm composure and steadfast conviction in making effective decisions. We were learning about time management, teamwork, creative problem solving and practical skills. We were learning through experience in an environment which required you to be efficient and aware of what you are doing. We were developing a sense of self and willpower which cannot be taught in a classroom. I'm proud to say that I eventually ran our cadet unit alongside two other colleagues. My main role was to train the teams for the extra-curricular competition 'Cambrian Patrol' which we had been invited to for the first time. In fact, we were the first ever 'school' cadet unit to ever be invited. The patrol is a non-stop interactive competition where you have to self-navigate from one location to the next where you encounter a scenario or trial. It is the pinnacle of military competition in the world for regular military units. This was the cadet version. Each unit takes 2 teams - a senior and a junior - and over 2 days, you compete against a scoring system to achieve gold, silver, bronze or null. 24 teams competed and 3 golds were given out - two of them were given to each of our two teams. I could go on for far longer about my time in cadets as it was an entry point into my deep interest in leadership development for philosophy of leadership is synonymous with philosophy of man; of willpower; of action and thought; of intelligence; of interaction between self & other; of consciousness; and of existence. When I was 17/18, I never imagined I'd be a coach, but this was certainly an early sign I might be because I was developing development schedules, delivering training and found the whole process of learning and teaching leadership enthralling. To be honest, I spent far more time on running the cadets unit than my school studies, but it felt right; it felt like what I was meant to be doing, so I did it.

I could unpack far more than that about my upbringing and maybe I'll write more one day because I did have a unique childhood, as we all do. However, I'll spare you the inner child work and keep it to that for now. I hope that gives you a mild feel for my childhood up until the time that I finished school. Things really got going when I went to university.

Fledging

So hop, skip and jump from my childhood to university. I was fortunate to be given the room by my parents to follow my feet and do what I love, so that's what I did. Remember, I love fish. But what exactly was it about the delicate way in which beautiful butterflyfish dance through the water with a such precision and grace as they flicker golden silver waveforms of finesse? What was it about the gentle lionfish dangling upside-down watching me as I watched him in the same way I used to hang off the sofa upside-down just to see the world from another perspective? What was it about a rainbow-sodden community mingling weightlessly in an alien environment that felt so familiar; that enlightened my imagination; that felt like home. I enrolled on a 'marine biology and coastal ecology' course at the University of Plymouth. I needed A*AA and despite being predicted A*AA, I flunked my exams and didn't get the grades. I invested a lot of time in cadets but generally didn't study. Maybe that childhood trauma I've heard so much about was catching up with me? Anyway, for some reason - possibly due to my work experience, keen interest and extra curricular interests - I was accepted. I chose the only marine ecology course in the UK because 'ecology' focuses on the interactions between organisms and their environment. I wasn't tremendously interested in the mechanisms of ocean currents and the quandary of cell function generally put me to sleep. I was overjoyed to be on my course! For the first time in my life, I was studying something that I was genuinely interested in. Plus, the course wasn't comprised of narrow-minded topics. Marine biology isn't a study of only biology; it's a study of biology on a micro to macro scale, ecology, chemistry, physics, mathematics (methods and statistics), geography, essay writing, law and conservation, practical work in both the laboratory and field, psychology and philosophy.

First year was easy in terms of education and finished with a content 80%. Despite being an extremely independent "old-soul" growing up, I was still 18 and had never permanently lived away from home before. Don't get me wrong, unlike other people at university, I had partied before, could cook, and get on with living an 'adult life' - Cadets had prepared me well for tackling any challenge that came my way. However, I was still the typical 'I think, therefore I am' young adult. I was still 'unwoken', driven by social influences, ego, unconscious habits etc. If you'd have asked me back then, I'd have told you that I thought I was 'woke' and mature. In many ways, I was mature in comparison to other 18 year olds, but not in comparison to a yogi or shaman (not that I knew what these were when I was 18 other than mystical oddballs living a life that made no sense and was of no interest to me).
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My first year of university was a rollercoaster of trials and tribulations; My first experience of romantic love came to a long overdue but nonetheless was a heartbreaking end; Although I had a couple of good new friends, I was a loner amongst the crowds because I didn't enjoy the 'lad culture' or social fads; My mum was going through her second divorce; and My nan on my mum's side was ill with lymphatic cancer. All the while, I was steadfast in my resolve to be the unwavering beacon of achievement and expectation. All I knew was that first year was easy and partying even easier. What I didn't realise at the time was that I had entered an unwitting phase of escapism as I unconsciously yearned for freedom from my own life.

I had always been one to help where I saw pain; to lighten the load and take the burden of that which others were being weighed down by. I was a natural healer by some sense of the term, but I was immature. I had no training. I had no tools or mechanisms for transmuting pain. For whatever reason, people just offloaded on me. Maybe I gave an air of wisdom? Maybe it's because I asked meaningful questions and was willing to listen? Or maybe, I was simply in the line of fire? Whatever the reason, I instinctively listened and gave council with whatever words came to the tip of my tongue from the void of knowing things which I have no rational right to know. People always left my company feeling lighter. Each time, I left a little heavier.. Until one day - a day just like all the others which bares no specific memory - all I felt was a heavy ache for existing. At some point, this ache had become normal. Aware enough to know I wasn't ok but not mature enough to know I didn't have to feel this way.

I don't know how long I existed like this. Years, certainly. It wasn't all doom and gloom; life isn't so black and white. I had happy moments, loving moments, meaningful moments. Most of these moments were built upon the bond and love my family shared in our own cooky way. My parents always did the best they knew, God bless them, they always went above and beyond as often as possible to give myself and my brother the best opportunities and experiences. But life was emotionally hard for all of us in our own way; heartbreak, money, loss, suffering. Nonetheless, whatever life threw at my parents, they got and up and carried on. I guess that's where I got my steadfast resolve to endure and overcome from. So Mum, Dad, if you are reading this, thank you. Please don't feel like you 'wish you did more' or 'wish you could've done better' whilst you read my story. You have always gone above & beyond and done the best you could in the moment. Everything happens exactly as it is meant to; as it always has and always will.

A Choice

Where were we? Oh yes, the enduring ache of existing. The gnawing, smouldering, ever-present rip of the heart underlying each precious moment, had become, normal. This creature of my psyche had snuck up on me over years and years of repressing my authentic self into shadow until it tricked me into believing it was a part of me. It didn't bother me enough to actively seek it's absolution. I always thought it would go away when I got older... When I moved out... When I had my own life.. When I knew more... That it's just a part of life and that one day it would just, go away...

Leading up to second year was hard. My nan had been in remission for a few months after 2 long years of battling however, the cancer came back. Apparently, she knew it had returned but didn't want to go through the suffering again. She kept the news to herself so she could simply enjoy her time with everyone without the piercing pity of heartbreak eyes glazed over by the idea of her death. I respected her so much for that after I found out. She made a decision and wanted to spend the little time she had seeing smiles on faces of the people she loved. She chose love over suffering. She taught me that there is no pain in death, only in life. And wherever those who have passed are, they would want you to live in love, feel joy and celebrate the gift of life in their memory. The lessons I passively learned from her were a pivotal moment of change in my journey...

I had been back at university no longer than a month before being summoned to her side. The time was somewhat of a blur. I can't remember how many days we were there. What I do remember is that the hospital was clean, clinical. The bright whitewashed walls clashing with the grey tone tables and chairs gave a complimentary feeling of hope and despair; of life and death; of something and nothingness; of something 'between'. Where was I? There was no emotion. No feeling. No thought. There was only time, yet even time seemed to have no standard other than 'passing'. The waiting room was dimly lit with a lazy hazy halogen hue. It must've been the wee hours of the morning. Of course it was morning; a morning missing a 'u'. Was I asleep or awake? That sound. I knew that sound; from a place between a memory and a dream. A short, sharp, 'clip, clap, clip, clap, clip' getting louder and closer until it was at the door. I knew that sound.. "Where's your brother?" my mum asked. I told her that he was downstairs having a cigarette. "The nurse doesn't think she has much longer.. Would you like to go in and sit with her?". I've never seen my mum so sharp and on point despite something telling me she wasn't really in the room. I knew I would regret not going in. Not that I was very close with my nan. In fact, I was often at odds with her. Although, in those last few months, there grew a deep respect and mutual knowing between us; something ineffable and beyond rationale of seeing through the meaningless nonsense of trivial drama to what really matters in life. My mum delivered me to the room and hurried off to collect my brother.

The hospital dorm was dry, motionless, clincal, ethereal. The floor was solid but what was under my feet? There was a window but what was beyond the glassy sheen? A chair was angled into the bedside with peering intention which was set in the centre of the cell-like room as if for kafkaesque dramatic effect. My nan was a plump, pull up your sleeves, take no shit, old school kind of lady. But here lay a skeletal withering frail shell of a person who bore no resemblance to my memory. My initial reaction was of horror as I made a double take wondering if I was in the correct room. The initial reaction of fear quickly subsided to be replaced with a deep reverence for a woman who had been deeply independent for so many years, now reliant on others in her final days. I wanted to be there for her. I slipped my way around the bed silently and sat in the chair furthest from the door. My nan lay motionless with her eyes shut as if asleep yet, somehow, I knew she wasn't. Tucked up, her arms lay over the baby blue bedsheets. I gently rested her hand in mine and started talking. Honestly, I can't remember what I spoke to her about. All I remember is that I reassured her for a while until my words transitions into "Mum's just gone to get Paul (my brother) as he's outside. They'll be back any moment". As if the universe heard my words and decided divine timing would be a funny trick to pull in the wake of a soul's journey into what's next, all of a sudden, I heard the elevator whiiirrr, click, clank... clip, clap, clip, clap, clip... I know that sound... In synchrony as I uttered the words "Here the are now" as they neared the room, the imperceptible grip which my nan had secretly taken of my hand relaxed. The room suddenly seemed real. Hyper-real. I was keenly aware of every atom and photon as it passed into reality. Time did that thing again, or I guess didn't do that one thing it's meant to do, and froze. Had I just felt the moment of transition? Had I been privileged to know that with those words my nan simply relaxed into a state of bliss to know she was with those who love her? Was it more than I know or my imagination can conjure? Whatever the case, I believe she felt love in that moment and I am glad to have been there for her. The rest went as you imagine. We sat for a while, lots of talking happened with tearful laughs and grateful farewells, and everyone left. That morning turned into jagged moments as if someone has taken the frame by frame film of my memories and edited out the 'irrelevant' parts such as leaving her room, walking to the car or how we got home. I understand why they call it 'morning' now; after the dark has passed and the light returns but you are left without that which you had the day before. We were all shell shocked without a single bullet being fired.

Back then, I didn't know if God existed as much as I didn't know if God didn't exist. I was generally scientific-minded because I felt religion had too many hypocrisies and holes. That said, I was spiritual enough to know that life was more inexplicable than I - or any preacher -could try to fully explain. All I knew was what I knew. I knew that after my Nan had passed, the unwavering painful ache of existing was that little heavier. Not because of my Nan's passing; although I couldn't tell you where, I believed she was somewhere 'beyond' in a place free of physical Earthly pain. No, that ache was that little heavier because I felt the black blanket of deep grief my mum carried. It was that little heavier because I watched my brother disappear further into his private world of dissociation and apathy. It was that little bit heavier because I knew I could bare no more and couldn't help them. I had reached my limit and was now at what felt like maximum capacity.

The days at university blurred together. I worked hard and played even harder. I turned up to all of my lectures (or at least the ones that started after 10am, which was enough of them to not be given an attendance warning). I kept fit, ate healthily and went to the gym 5 days a week. And I continued to attend Officer Training Corps (OTC) each Wednesday afternoon. A quick introduction: in the wake of cadets, I joined the OTC and engaged in British Army Officer training alongside my university course. Although a thousands of people do it across multiple universities, there's no obligation to join the military at the end of your training. It's the adult version of 'cadets' without the possibility of being deployed. You are taught the Sandhurst leadership syllabus, learn skills, go on exercises and get paid. Because of my time in OTC, I also went on to work for a private leadership development organisation who work out of Sandhurst and, as an undergraduate, delivered leadership development to graduates. It's amazing how many 'hyper-clever' graduates lack common-sense (whatever that is). Anyway, that's it's own story. The point is that I upheld my duties during second year but was starting to slip. Going out, drinking and partying on average 3 nights per week was taxing. In hindsight, the partying wasn't the problem. The problem was that the heavy ache of existing had evolved into a numbness. Feeling numb didn't come into existence in one moment, but after my nan's passing it had become forefront and more present than any other feelings. Before, I could feel deeply both the mountainous highs and abyssal lows. Now, I was chasing the feelings, any feeling, anything other than numb.
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This numbness endured for months. During that period of time, all I remember was that I didn't care to feel like that; I didn't care to be alive. That state of apathy was tiring. Being alive was tiring. One night, I walked to 'The Hoe' around 2am as I couldn't sleep. It's best that you search 'Plymouth Hoe' on the internet to understand where I went. It's the oceanfront which overlooks the main harbour in Plymouth. There's a large, open, curated grass area with a picturesque red & white candy cane lighthouse. At night, the walkways are baked in lazy hazy copper streetlight. Being awake at that time wasn't abnormal for me - I'd made a routine of getting up around 10/11am and going to sleep around 4/5am after a night out. But that night was different. I didn't go up to The Hoe for any particular reason. I just needed to be somewhere. Somewhere other than my blank white room which felt saturated by my swirling, sceptical mind. I wanted to see the raw energy of life. I wanted to feel the spray of the ocean which I remember I once loved. I wanted to remove myself from the brain static of a human existence to listen to the foaming swash of Nature. I stood by the railings just appreciating the lofty height of the drop. How the glimmer of the light seemed smelted to the rocks left wet by the kiss of the waves. How the limpets clung on for dear life with all their might in hope of feeling the light of day warm their callous shell again. The depth of black beneath the changing tide. What's wrong with me? .. I don't know. What can I do about it? .. I don't know. Why did I come here? I wasn't debating killing myself, but I was contemplating the fact that I didn't care to be alive...

In that moment of contemplation of sea-salt-spray and crashing silence, I realised I had made a choice; I would never kill myself. Firstly, I could never do that to the people who love me and create further pain. I will never do that. I'd rather endure it than create more. Secondly, I am well educated compared to much of the world and can out that intelligence to something good. What a waste to kill myself when I have been so blessed with education and intelligence to do good. And lastly, I'm alive and that is a gift. I should go and do something I want for myself; I should go and experience some life for the sake of it because I am alive. Life is an impossible opportunity I should not squander. Although, the numbness was still my ever present companion, Something changed in me with this choice to live. Deep within myself I felt how I was no longer existing for the sake of existing - it was my decision to exist; I choose to live.

You're Free; Run!

The days were muchly the same after that; study, party, coursework, gym, party, OTC, party, gym, lab work, and so on. Until one night, laying in bed awash in my unceasingly thinking mind, feeling the like a slab of meat on the cold damp white sheets, staring up at the white artex swirls on the ceiling, I realised something. "The burdens I carry aren't mine. The burdens and thoughts of other people's lives which have been placed into me are not my own. Those burdens aren't mine and they're not real. They're imaginary. They don't actually exist." I had unwittingly realised that "I am not my thoughts" as taught in many religions and spiritual practices. I didn't know that part yet though. The important part is that through suffering, I had come to deeply know that my thoughts are imaginary and I - me, my conscious self - am independent of my thoughts. My brain flurried with a buzz of ecstasy and electricity! That hyper-reality was back! It felt like a huge realisation, bigger than I'd ever had. What was this? Who cares. For the first time I felt free. Free from the burdens. Free from the expectation. Free from my own life.

In the comings days, invigorated by my new found autonomy, I decided to do something for myself. But what? I should do something off of the bucket list that I'd never realised I had written. There was only two things which I had a cardinal pull towards; only two things which I had a deep inexplicable want for from the deepest recess of my being. I wanted to go to Canada and New Zealand. I chose to go to Canada. This decision wasn't made out of any rationale, it just felt like the one. A part of my soul with more wisdom than my waking mind had weighed up the choices for me and Canada felt right. The deep draw to New Zealand would have to wait. In the coming months, I continued on my unwitting self-repressed escapist path, attained a two year 'working-holiday' visa, booked 2 weeks in a hostel, and before I knew it, my second year of university had reached an unenigmatic end and I was on a one-way flight to Calgary. Next stop, Banff.

I'd never been so happy to be sat in the window seat of a somewhat crowded coach. Grand unforgiving mountains capped with white crowns and a halos of royal blue dominated the landscape. Huge evergreens grasped the ground with power and prominence standing together, unmoving; a fortified forest with no beginning and no end. The sun even seemed brighter here. Not harsh or blinding, but luminous, more colourful; life giving. Banff was beautiful. The town was a picturesque postcard come to life and locked in time and space. My words won't do it justice. Again, have a look on the internet and then add a pinch of salt as it's even more fantastical in person. Something began to stir in me that I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt excited yet calm. I felt, home. After catching a chatty cab ride consisting of the dos and don'ts of Canadian culture, I settled into the hostel and the next morning set out job hunting.

I had come to Banff without any pre-determined work but that didn't deter me. In fact, the new found sense of connection with myself told me not to get a job ahead of time. Something deep within me told me I was going to get a job on one of the local ski hills. I was determined. The hostel was inundated with nay-sayers who told me it was too late to get a job on the hill as they're all filled before the season. It would take 4 to 6 weeks to find anything. Fuck that. I got up early the first morning and hitchhiked up to the local Norquay ski hill and presented myself. The next day, I hitchhiked a little further to Lake Louise. The journey to Lake Louise is shy of an hour drive. The guy who picked me up was exactly what I imagined a typical Canadian bloke to be like; A mid-30s bearded man who was tremendously kind and generous, dressed in plaid and jeans. His car was a old-school unstoppable 90s estate car which had seen a few miles but had no intention of slowing up.

The Lake Louise resort turned out to be a dead end. I was a little disheartened, however, the chap who drove me up there said that he was happy to take me back to Banff if I was willing to wait for him to do his chores. I was more than happy to wait and asked if he could drop me at the Sunshine Village resort on the way back. He explained to me that the resort is up an access road and it's unlikely I'll get a lift back from there . He insisted that he' be happy to wait for me whilst I ran in and dropped my CV. I skidded across the car park, past the gondola, and started hunting for HR. The shop, skis, goggles, no. What's in here? A break room! Oops, I shouldn't be in here. I crunched my way around the back of the building and found a "office" door leading upstairs. Aha! Right, game face on - that means an authentic and relaxed demeanour with kind eyes. I walked upstairs with an excitement and confidence of getting a job and tried to forget the rejection at Lake Louise.

"You're here to sign on? Give me a minute" I heard from the back. A stout, older lady with short dark hair and a welcoming but authoritative demeanour appeared from behind the computers. She seemed to be preparing my 'sign on' so I explained that I wasn't there to sign on but was looking for a job. She chirped a surprised chuckle -seemingly impressed - and told me how I looked like I already had a job. I must've been doing something right for the head of HR to believe I already had a job. We exchanged pleasantries for a moment before it became clear that she had taken a liking to me. "You seem a strapping lad. I have one job that may be open, are you a good skier?". My ears pricked up whilst my eyes remained soft. "I am yes, pretty much any terrain". I wasn't lying, I was a good skier, but my experience only extended as far as family holidays growing up. I was hardly a veteran. A voice came from the back of the office; "You can't just offer him a job, he hasn't been vetted, interviewed or assessed - we don't even know if the job is still available". "I trust him!", she retorted. "Have you got time for an interview now?", she picked up a pen and pad. I explained that someone was waiting for me but she reassured me we would be 5/10 minutes. Half an hour of mostly talking about her daughter's time in the UK and her own upcoming retirement flew by. I had the job. I had secured possibly the best job on the mountain at a world renowned resort! Oh, my gosh. I suddenly realised the time! I didn't rush my time during my time in HR but as soon as my toes touched the tarmac outside, I was skidding and sliding my way across the car park! Please be there. Gosh, I'm sorry I took so long. My guy! He was still there! He looked up and smiled to see me gambolling my way across the ice. I jumped in the car and in a fizz of lost breath, I explained what happened and thanked him profusely for waiting. He'd guessed that it went well and to my surprise was as happy as I was. This was all so new to me. I wasn't accustomed to people being genuinely happy for a strangers success despite their own inconvenience. He was happy to share a day full of success and serendipity. If I could sum up the ethos of Banff, it would be in the gesture and energy of the gentleman who's name I have long forgotten but kindness I will carry with me forevermore. I wish I could say my ethos was the same. On the outside, it was, and my intentions were pure. But despite my shining exterior and best intentions, I was still in deep suffering and enduring numbness which conflicted with who I knew I was beyond feeling that way. I didn't want to be a burden on anyone. As such, despite sharing a laugh on the way home and insisting on paying him for fuel and extra to get a bottle of something to say thank you, I never reached out or saw the man again.

A Fresh Start

As the midnight star-strewn skyline yawned a faded finale, each day began with the soft silence of snow before an encore of crisp crackling broke underfoot and tainted Nature's fresh blank canvas. The days were long. I was up at 5:30am, on a bus, up the gondola and on the ski hill by 7:30am. I was hired as a 'trail crew labourer' and was expected to be one of the first workers on the hill. The role was new to me. Unlike other resorts around the world which may use snow cannons or be based on a glacier, all the snow at Sunshine Village is from 'snowfall'. This wasn't surprising. What did surprise me was that there is a niche role at the ski resort for 'snow farming'. How do you farm snow? Firstly, a trail crew team will set up continuous rows of fences on the mountain. Then, as the snow falls and is blown into the fence, it would settle beside it. Without the fences, the snow would simply blow off the higher regions into the valleys below leaving the mountain bare. Sounds simple right? Skiing with multiples of 5-foot steel bars to and from precarious locations, pounding them into the ice or rock, carrying bundles of hefty heavy plastic fences and setting those up, skiing in terrain that was barely skiable, hiking up and down the mountain in ski boots and gear, tying these frozen fences to the ice cold steel poles in blistering temperatures down to -30 degrees celsius with bare hands.. Simple right? All to let the fences catch snow so that you can later ski back to them, crawl and trudge through the snow, dig it all out, gather them up in reverse and do it all over again. It was gnarly. There were days I was debating whether I could continue doing this for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. However, despite being the hardest, most gruelling job on the mountain, it truly was the best job on the mountain.

The first two months didn't see much skiing, but when we did, we were skiing in untouched terrain off limits to the public. The eye watering, muscle burning, frost-biting work was enough to keep my mind off of that which I had come to Canada to forget about. As for the bounding bouncy pillowing fresh powder.. Oh, that glistening crystal canvas bathed in auric blues and gold.. Oh, that flowing freedom without form or function as I fell weightlessly down the mountain and soared through space and time between Heaven and Earth. Those moments were pure, unadulterated, thoughtless, blissful, temporary, fleeting, a spark... But they were real. I'd never felt more alive.

The crystal born rainbows twinkling in the ether. A softness of sound as silence saturated the snowy star-lit nights. Genuine smiles and welcoming eyes shone from strangers who's intent was not to uplift the spirit yet did so anyway. What was this dream I had fallen into? What was this reality I had become a part of? Why does luck follow me now more than ever as I follow my feet? I didn't care to answer these questions in fear I might undo the magic.

Just because my work was 6am-6pm, my day didn't end there. Gone the day, come the night as shadow, desire and a second life waked in my bones. In the early weeks of settling into Banff, my will did not wane after work had attempted to sap my body of energy. Saturday nights were club nights. Tuesday nights were to be spent at Wild Bill's. Bill's was a large bar with that 'mountain town feel' of wide wooden tables, a central dance floor, long welcoming bars, and draught beer galore. But that wasn't why we were at Bills on a Tuesday. We went for the karaoke. This wasn't a-small-corner-in-a-dingy-bar karaoke. This was karaoke with a large main stage and dance floor. Regardless of your faith, religion or creed, everyone took part and had a boogy. I'd never been on stage but I loved singing and, ha, I thought I was good singing the same few songs week after week. in hindsight, I was so goofy and immature, but you know what, if there was one thing that paid retribution for my immaturity, it was the fact I didn't give a shit. I got up there and danced and sang my heart out. The truth of it was, I still didn't care to be alive, however, having chosen to remain alive (albeit not for myself), instead of being lethargic and apathetic, I was the complete opposite. Fear? Insecurity? Disappointment? What were these but imagined feelings buried beneath nothingness. Nothing could hurt me more than I could hurt myself. And God, I felt alive! I felt like myself; unapologetically confident to just, be. I had found something true about who I was at that time; who I am at my core. When I am in flow, I will sing, and dance, and laugh, and shine. I might not've been perfect, but I was free. Finally, despite the shadow within me I hadn't addressed, I thought I knew who I was. But of course, we all think we know who we are, until we know better.
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In between partying and working, I spent most evenings in the first month searching for a place to live, again, being told this would be a fruitless endeavour. Too little, too late seemed to be the mantra clinging to tongues of those around me. Fuck that. Let's see what I can find! A bed on the floor in a dank sleepy room? No. A shared apartment with.. gone already. Ok, this was harder than I thought. Weeks of vigilantly watching the Banff facebook pages ticked by until a golden ticket appeared. I hurried an appointment to see a quaint little apartment which was a 5 minute walk from town. The apartment was nearly perfect; newly done up, self contained, the bottom floor of a wood cabin home which the young owners lived upstairs, and a reasonable asking price. I couldn't afford the place on my own however, I had befriended a chap in my hostel who was from the UK. We got along well so we agreed, if I found somewhere, we would go halves. The only 'issue' with the apartment was that it had one bed. No worries, it had a nice sofa bed. We would swap week-by-week. Confidence in toe and sharply dressed, I let the the reliable and steadfast part of me speak for me. Although, I must admit, I did lie to secure the apartment. Do you think a newly decorated and furnished one-bed apartment with multiple viewers would be given to a pair of 20 year old blokes? Ha, no chance. Upon meeting the owners, I explained how "sadly my partner was unable to view the apartment today but I would take it. He would move in a few days after me". I watched the subtle 'he' soothe their subconscious as they believed they were welcoming in a respectable gay couple into their space. Hey, I may have been young but I was respectable - we weren't going to trash the place, I'm not an idiot. And with that, the 'perfect-home-perfect-work' combo was complete. I would say I lucked out but my luck kept rolling. I didn't think there was anything else which could enrich this disparate dichotomous life of fleeting bliss and numbing ache which I had built upon undaunted volition. So, what came next was unexpected.

A Reason To Live

Banff felt different. I felt different. It was like I had unearthed a feeling of a memory which had been wrapped up lifetimes ago and forgotten at birth for the feeling was something which transcended myself. I couldn't put my finger on it, and I didn't try to. I was too busy living. Shortly after arriving in Banff, I befriended a few Australian girls. They were wild! Quickly, I found a routine of work and play similar to university. Each week I would meet the girls at the Rose & Crown pub or Wild Bills bar. The Crown was cute in a rustic way. To enter, you would leave the whistling bitter bite of main high street - which was always lit up like winter wonderland -and head up a steep narrow set of bitumen stained stairs. The warm wooden-clad pub welcomed traveller, tourist and local alike. Clinking froth. Beanies and beards. Heavy jackets  and an air that buzzed. Oak beams bore meaningful memorabilia. The step-worn trails on the faded floorboard revealed tales of stories retold through ages gone by.

By my third visit to The Crown, it was beginning to feel eerily familiar. The husky smell of wool jumpers, melted snow and craft beer. The condensation on the lower half of the window panels creating a cheshire-cat-crescent-moon silhouette. The gentle warm golden glow of candlewick and streetlamp. The aromatic hops and barley of my brew blended with the tangy tannins of the Aussie gals bottles of red wine to breathe a wordless chorus of surreality and goof. Was I sitting? Standing? Fuck, I could've been hanging from the rafters like a possum preoccupied by a passing butterfly for all I remember. What I was doing wasn't of importance according to my memory because at that time in space, each neurone and synapse was all of a sudden awash with radiant light of colours unknown to this realm of reality. My body phased from this plane of existence. Time forgot to do its job again (it seems to be making a habit of doing that). Deja vu collapsed the waveforms of my mind into a singularity of familiarity. I'd seen this before. More than that... It was her. The woman from my dreams?! What a stereotypical load of hogwash, but it was true! I'd had deja vu before - little passings of goosebumps, dreams and precognition. I knew deja vu was a thing but I didn't think much of it - I had been told that it was "merely a trick of the mind". Maybe that was true, maybe it wasn't. I was never convinced either way because I used to dream things of the future which would come to pass. With no one to talk to about it, best to remain ignorant. But I couldn't remain ignorant to this! I couldn't remain ignorant to my heart erupting with an ecstasy akin to returning home from a long voyage of storms and shipwreck which had kept love asunder. I knew this woman. I knew her aura which beat a vibrant field of bright white and gold. I knew her sensitive soft smile and eastern eyes. I knew her soul; emotion without end but overflowing with none but love and kindness. I knew this feeling. I knew this scene. I had foreseen this moment in a dream years ago. I knew this woman. Time resumed.

The red-plaid-shirt-white-tank-T-black-leggings-snow-boot-golden-hair lady made her way to a crowded congregation of tables across the room from us. Don't ask me to recall every specific aspect of the room. You get the picture; my mind was amiss after the deja vu had collapsed the waveforms of my mind into a singularity of familiarity and burned an eternal image of her into my mind. As the night grew, at some stage we had joined the congregation she was a part of as one of the Aussie girls  knew some of the group. The story of the evening wasn't as 'Romeo & Juliet' as it was 'Hades and Persephone'. I kept my distance. I thought to myself, "someone like that doesn't take interest in someone like me - I'm not good enough for her". There wasn't any indication she even knew I existed until.. She dropped her phone under the table and it bounced in my direction. I swooped down to save it for her. I struggled to make eye contact when I handed her phone to her but when I did, oh, those big green-grey eyes carved of glacial crystal. Natalie was her name. We had a giggle, ebbed and flowed with the group, I added her on facebook as we were sure to see each other again - Banff is a small town - and the night drifts into a dream after that.

A couple of weary wantsome weeks went by and I hadn't seen Natalie again. At least, not in person, 'though she hadn't left my mind. That night. That experience. Never-mind. My desire to live my life like I was dying hadn't subsided. I booked onto something called 'twelve bar of Christmas' with the Aussie girls. It was a bar crawl through town but with a quirky twist. Each person wore a T-shirt with a checklist of dare-like tasks to complete. The were cheeky and involved lots of drinking. Banff was a great place for the bar crawl as it had a cool array of places to drink; a Canadian bar, an Irish pub, an art-deco bar, a bowling alley with food and drink, and a couple of small clubs. We rocked up at the bowling alley where the event was set to begin and.. nope.. Natalie wasn't there. Oh well. The night kicked off fast! Clinks of drinks and pen prints as challenges started to tamely be ticked off; do a shot, swap an item of clothing with someone, get someones number. Big kid games. It wasn't until the second bar - the Irish bar -  and... there she was! Natalie! My heart raced and mind scattered! Had I missed her at the start? Had she come late? Oh gosh, what was I going to do!? I hadn't thought this far ahead! Just have fun, say hi. Hi. Hi came and went faster than the shots we lined up. The drinking games encouraged intermingling so we hung out, goofed about, parted again then came back together and parted again. She seemed to keep a close vicinity to me? Or was it the games? I don't know, fuck it; let's boogy. We reached the final bar/club and we were still in one another's immediate proximity as our small group of friends has melded into one, by one, they disappeared into the feral crowd and we were, alone. Twists and turns turned to hands on hips and arms round shoulders and.. I guess she was into me?!

I'm going to spare you the saucy details; we started dating. This was the last thing I was looking for and furthest thing from expecting. This radiant daydream of pure light and joy with wit in her words and childlike wise, loved, me? There was so much I wasn't certain of but I was certain that I loved her too with all of my soul and being - even if it was fractured and fragmented. I was aware I was a mess - I was aware of my persistent numbness and pain that was now in paradox to the infinite light and love Natalie had brought into my life, but I didn't know how to deal with it. And so, I continued to live in a state of unyielding free flow which felt to be 'my authentic self' as it was the opposite to the static inducing storm I was suppressing. Somehow, it was good. It was a dream. I had my perfect job; my perfect home; my perfect partner. However, I was a child. I didn't fully understand that perfection is found in imperfection - that me being imperfect was ok - or how to truly love someone. I did my best. I was 'mature' for my age; knowledgeable, capable, confident, wise in many ways, and carried an air of steadfast resolve. Now that I am older, I am aware that older and wiser individuals will have seen through my facade, for a facade is what it was.

The time in Banff was special. A bubble universe for us lucky few. It truly felt like home. I had a couple of really good people in my life and was living free. We had so many goofy laughs at bars and pubs. There was plenty of time spent on the ski hill since there isn't any snow to farm in the second half of the season and so I pretty much got paid to ski all day, assist at the occasional medical emergency and help the park guys build jumps. Natalie ice-skated like a butterfly dancing on the breeze whilst I trundled along like a new born fawn. We hired a car and saw a hockey game in Calgary. I took a weekend trip to Big White with a few stoners. And throughout it all, people told Natalie and I that we had 'it', whatever 'it' was. But we burned hot and fast as I was immature in our relationship. Most of my time was spent partying and working. Despite my inner love for her, I was still in state of suppressing my suffering. This wasn't conducive to a healthy relationship. How could I truly love when I didn't love myself. I did my best but I didn't know how to be in a healthy mature loving relationship.

The turning point was meeting her dad. Natalie idolised her dad in an endearing but somewhat intense way. I didn't and don't know their full history, only what she had told me. When I met him, I understood her deep love and adoration. He was a nice guy, grounded, admirable and wise. He saw through my facade; he knew 'I wasn't quite there yet'. I sensed it. I also knew she took his word as gospel. I was worried about him figuring me out for one simple reason; I was scared that if Natalie knew of my problems - how messed up I was inside - that she wouldn't want to be with me... Who would want to be with someone who is numb to the world; who is in prison of perpetual pain and doesn't care to be alive; who isn't what she deserves? That is, if she hadn't already begun to see through the cracks and started to get tired of me. She was 4 years older than me and looking back, I'm pretty sure she started to see I was burning inside and knew I needed to figure it out.

I needed to figure this out! What to do? What to do? I had arranged to leave Banff at the start of summer. I only intended to do a ski season and then return to the UK to finish my last year of uni. I had already started my dissertation and cogs were in motion. I mean, I could postpone it. I had just over a month before my leaving date. For the first time in my life, I was at a fork in the road with no feeling of which way to lean. I had loved my job but one season was enough; it was gruelling despite how special it was and I didn't really fit in with the crew I worked with - by the end of the season, I spent nearly ever day alone on the hill. The few friends I had made had moved on to other towns. But Banff was gorgeous and there was so much still to explore. Plus - and most importantly - there was Natalie. If I stayed, then I could begin to focus on really working on the relationship. I didn't know what to do. "Do I stay or do I leave?" rattled around my already scattered mind. Throughout my life, my feet, my gut and my intuition have always shown me where I supposed to go but this time, nothing. No aid. No insight. No lean one way or the other. Just static fizzling in the nothingness that occupied my being. Fuck. It seems karma is real and had finally caught up with me. If I was going to stay, if I wanted to be with Natalie, I'd have to tell her the truth. We've been together a little while now, maybe she'll love me anyway? A week or so went by in this state with no further insight which I hoped might reveal itself until.. Ok. I told myself that I would leave 'staying or going' up to the universe. Independently of that, I will be a man and tell Natalie the truth of what's going on with me.

Return to the Void

Natalie and I had been a little distant with one another. She knew I was planning to leave. She didn't know I was debating staying. She didn't know of the turmoil bubbling and broiling from head to heart. I'm sure she'd started to see red flags and warning signs in my behaviour which I was too immature to be aware of. There was plenty she said which I simply didn't register in my naivety and trauma-bubble. A day or two ticked by since I had decided to tell her about what's going on with me - We simply hadn't seen each other as we were busy. The first time we found an opportunity to be together since I had made this decision was on another night out. That's ok. We could have a fun night together as always and I'll tell her all about it tomorrow when we're snuggled up on the pull out couch wrapped up in one another before watching some quirky cult classics. The night ramped up, nothing out of the usual; another night of twists and twirls, bopping and bouncing, pulled close and squeezed tight. She was mine and I was hers. I trusted her unconditionally and gave her complete freedom to be herself. Together, we'd dance with smiling strangers and made everyone's night fun. If I could've remained lost in that crowd and stayed in flow with her forever, I would have. Instead, I ducked outside for a cheeky puff of frosty kush - I wasn't much of a smoker so a puff really was enough as I live to dance. Brrr cold! Back inside, slipping down the stairs, into the bar and Natalie.. kissing someone else..
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My field of vision narrowed. Full bodied laser lights slipped into a slinky grey silhouettes. The silhouettes turned to black. The black turned nothingness. And the nothingness was all I felt. I went over, interrupted them, said something short and snip along the lines of ‘Fuck it, if this is what you want, goodbye.” and left. Shortly after getting outside, Natalie caught up with me wearing little more than the tears on her face. She denied remembering what happened. She did occasionally black out when she had a lot to drink or a little too much mdma, but I didn’t believe her, not fully at least. She seemed to cognoscente. Nonetheless, her apologies seemed sincere and my heart was hers. We went back to mine and let the fog clear. The weeks and months leading up to that evening had already been restless with doubt and indecision but now.. The dissonance after that evening was deafening. I couldn't tell her now. The next morning, we spoke about what happened – she denied remembering it saying that if it happened, she must've thought it was me. The question I had pondered many times in my life reared it’s unchanging head; how do you trust someone? There’s only one – sometimes irritating – answer to that question; by trusting them. I took her on her word. My trust was hers to break. But trust doesn’t come quick so I asked for some time. Another week or so went by. We had seen each other a couple of times and it was beginning to feel better. Whatever the reality was, in my core, there was a deep undying love that bonded us across space and time. That love and those moments of déjà vu which made themselves oh so present were impossible to remain ignorant to. I knew this woman. Ok, if there’s any future between us, I’ll tell her. What’s the worst that can happen? 

For the second time, I had made the certain decision to tell her my truth; the story of how I was feeling and all of who I was. The day after I had reached this decision, the worst that could happen, happened. The guy I was living with asked if I knew that Natalie had kissed another guy. I told him, "yeh, I knew; I was there". No, no, this was new. He pulled out his phone and showed me a video of her getting together with another person. This was different. They were at Bills. She clearly wasn’t ‘black out’. Remember that first moment I saw her, ingrained into my memory like fire on brimstone. Now I had four of five memories which would never fade. Her eyes as big as saucers shimmering like mercury lakes which swelled with kindness as pure as glacial waters. That giggle and glow of empathic intention which could enchant even the most adept of wizards into wanting to do good by her. And now, I had two moments which I didn’t want but were with me forevermore. It’s interesting how I didn’t choose any of these moments, but my mind decided to stick them to my soul nonetheless.

The universe had made the decision for me as I had given it room to do so. Twice I had reached a certainty to tell Natalie and twice I had been prevented from sharing my truth. I loved Natalie, truly, with all of my being, but I was a pretty shoddy boyfriend. I was so self-absorbed in my fleeing from my feelings and state of suffering that I wasn’t thinking of ways in which we could live together; ways in which we could experience life and make memories together. My absence from myself meant my absence from the relationship. Indeed, I felt love, but I wasn’t whole in myself and love felt without whole embodiment and meaningful expression is doomed to fail. I needed to grow. I chose to be alone.

I could go on for much longer about Banff and its resplendent ethereal homelike qualities. I could delve much further into the day-by-day, night-by-night stories of living for the sake of living. I could go on about the fresh smell of winter-pine on the mountain breeze and the sound of crisp ski-carve crunching crescent moons into the piste. I could write essays attempting to do justice to Natalie’s character because she was a rare kind of person; how she she was full of worldly wit and met challenges with a smile; how she could see through the many layers of reality to who people really were; how she was empathetic and kind without witness or reward; how she was Human and flawed but owned her mistakes; how she loved deeply and, even if she was afraid to, expressed her thoughts and feelings; how she saw the world through rose-tinted lenses with childlike wonder; how she tried her best and lived free as her perfectly imperfect self. She taught me so much about life & love so I try not to make a fantasy of her memory. I’d need many more chapters to begin to elude to my experience of Banff. I had gone to Canada to make memories of blurred colours and things I could forget. I didn't care to be alive. I had no reason to live a life of my own. I had no intention but to simply experience life. I was existing in a regressive state of implosion with no conscious tools to break free from my self-imposed prison, and yet, I had been blessed. Although I wasn’t aware of the extent of it back then, I had experienced some form of foresight/precognition in the form of dreaming the future and déjà vu, I had borne witness to the manifestation of my desires through non-attachment to outcomes combined with clear intention, I had felt the enlightening spark of soul recognition which elevated my being from nothingness into somethingness, I had been shown life is worth living, I had fallen in love, I had lived what can only be described as a dream. And as all dreams must, it came to an end as I started to wake up. 

Something Extra Ordinary 

I recall Banff as a daydream because that’s what it was; a dream that had manifest of into physical form and experiences which were as much a blend of my imagination as they were other peoples. The truth is, I never found out Natalie’s story of what happened as she lived it. Despite knowing her for many years after our time together, that deepest level of connection never came into being. I think there was always a knowing, a truth kept secret between us forevermore but never spoken into existence. In hindsight, now that I have a greater understanding of psychology and consciousness, the fact of the matter was that that I wasn't very present as a person. I was driven by ego as I was discovering 'who I am', as we all must when we are developing a sense of self. I didn't have any meaning for life so didn't know how to live a free, content and meaningful life. I felt broken and like I wasn't good enough. Not that Iknew it back then, I hadn't addressed any of my trauma, my inner-child, my shadow, or my authentic self in a meaningful way.

For the first few months after Banff, I fell into a weird state where I was both upbeat and ok with leaving, yet was burning and yearning to return. It felt easy to accept because I felt like I didn't have a choice; the path was set and I couldn’t argue with the Universe. Leaving was a good thing - running away to Banff and mountain work had started to feel purposeless. I used to stand alone atop the mountain overlooking the vast expanse of endless, raw, untamed, untouched dreamscape, and felt like there was more for me do in life than remain lost in wonderland. Natalie and I were still in close communication and the kind of talks to see one another again but there was an increasing air that we wouldn’t. Love is strange thing. My ego wanted to be with her because I loved her, but then, I loved her more than my own selfish wants - I knew I had to let her go considering I didn't love myself enough to love her properly. All I could do was continue on the path I had laid ahead of myself and live my life for the sake of it. I didn't know where this path led, but following my instincts always kept me aligned to something greater than myself. However, I was still deeply set in an escapist mindset. I was suppressing the burning agony of leaving the greatest and broadest love I've ever experienced with the best person I had ever known on top of my dichotomous apathy/ecstasy for existing. I was spiralling downwards and I didn’t fully know it yet.

Four months passed since leaving Banff by the time I was back at university and third year was set to be my encore. My last year was worth 60% of my overall degree and so I wasn’t going to mess it up. Equally, I was older and more adept in letting loose. During my time in Banff, I had been introduced to weed and mandy (mdma). I wasn’t a big smoker out there; it just didn’t do it for me. Mandy, however, well, it’s not called ecstasy for fun. Or maybe it is because fuck, I had fun. Mandy was the perfect – temporary – antidote to my dissonant state of being. By the time I left Banff, it had become a once-a-week thing. I just loved dancing, and danced I did. That state of free flow was an escape from my thoughts and feelings which I wished to remain. However, Mandy and I didn't have a great relationship; the next day was always a rough physical come down. I would be on the sofa for most of the day following a clubbing night out. You can understand how I was wasting significant amounts of my time in one of the most gorgeous places in the world. Although, was it a waste if it led to whoI am today? I digress.

With my new found insight into partying, things escalated at university. I resumed my previous university routine extremely effectively; I was going to the gym 5 days a week, ate healthily, attended all my post-10am lectures, did my coursework between the hours of 7pm until 4am which loosely aligned with my sleep pattern for going out, I joined the cricket team, and joined the ski-society aptly named ‘Snow-Riders’. The extent of my hard work and perseverance was mirrored by my play hard attitude to go out on average 3 times a week. By the time Christmas break rolled around, I was making a habit of taking cocaine and ketamine on nights out. I must admit, I was always a ‘responsible’ drug taker. Eating well, being aware of what level I’m on (ie I was never aggressive or acted untoward anyone), I drank a litre of water and took vitamins when I got home, and didn’t feel a need to take anything when it wasn’t to party. I was balancing the buzz of coke and wonkiness of ket to find a peaceful detachment from unwanted feelings.

Come the new year, I had secured good grades and was certainly set to attain a 2:1 in my degree. I would have to basically fail everything to get a 2:2 or achieve over 90% in all of my remaining work to secure a first. Neither of these things was going to happen. I could basically coast the rest of the year if I wanted to. Ideal! I had no stress towards work and no guilt towards partying. Within reason, I was home-free. I could simply enjoy my learning and nightly escapades. But there was nothing ‘simple’ about what came in 2019. Firstly, my love for Natalie hadn’t a waned. In fact, my lonesome state of denial and repression had left me with missing her more and more. Love had me pressed between my selfish intention of wanting to be with her and letting her go to be with someone who wasn't a mess and could love her properly. Furthermore, the day after I finished my last exam in the new year, Tigger (my cat) passed away at the ripe old age of 21. Tigger and I had grown up together; he had always been there. Although I accepted that it was his time, his passing was devastating. And lastly, I was becoming aware of things that I was previously aware of but everyone accepted as 'Truth' and 'fact'. I don’t know exactly what led to this change in awareness? Maybe it was the intermittent use of drugs on nights out. Maybe it was the regular supply of night-in bong hits waking something inside of me – Oh yes, weed had entered the fray and my mantra was “trust the bong” if I were feeling uneasy in my mind or body. Maybe it was the trauma finally eking its way into the forefront of my thoughts forcing me to wonder why I am continuing to be alive when, at the core of it, I had no purpose for living. Maybe I was getting tired of being tired. Maybe my lectures had presented enough paradox to allow me to question truth and fact. Maybe it was all of the above. I recall that my lectures on speciation certainly played a significant role in my changing perception towards reality...

Most people would say they know what a species is. So, how do you define a species? How do you define the difference between species? Do you use genetics? If so, where do you draw the genetic ‘cut off line’ to determine between species and Individuals? Or, do you use niches and categorise how an organism functions within the ecosystem? If so, how do you empirically measure and standardise the niche? Do you focus on physiology and how they look? If so, what about identical genetic species occupying completely different behavioural niches? What about the ability to interbreed? This is problematic because interbreeding and natural mutation is how speciation inherently occurs, accounting for the diversity of species on Earth. This simple question is not so simple to answer and in fact may never have a ‘perfect’ answer. It is a paradox. The empirical objectivity of science I had unquestionably believed in had been shattered by paradoxes. In fact, when you really learn what 'science' is, it isn't about proving something to be true, it is about proving the opposite to not be true within probable bounds. 'Proof is evidence so strong that you can't statistically or reasonably deny it". This is why science proves things by using null hypotheses, statistical significance and pile up so much evidence that it is unreasonable to deny it. This is the paradox of proof. So, what can I say is true? What can I say is real with utmost certainty? My mind fell into a 'blooming, buzzing, confusion' and crisis.

After a few days of leaving my mind open to inquest and observation, I was at home one evening pacing the living room listening to music. Being alone wasn't uncommon or abnormal for me - I spent much of my time alone. It wasn't that I disliked other people, rather, it was that I thoroughly enjoyed my own company - I still do. In the words of Nikola Tesla "Be alone, that is the secret of invention; be alone, that is when ideas are born". On this evening, something had set off my mind about the inconsistencies, hypocrisies and paradoxes which pervaded my entire understanding of existence. Striding back and forth my mind was racing as pieces of the puzzle which constituted my conception of reality started to crack. Some of the questions which led to other questions included: what is consciousness? Does consciousness develop? If it does, then how does it develop? Where does it develop from? Where does it develop to? If consciousness has a start point, does it have an end point? How many 'levels' of consciousness are there? Where is consciousness located? How does consciousness interact/intraact with the universe?

I felt a common cypher pervade science, politics, society, history, online content, ads, people, places, space, time, faith, fact, truth, consciousness BOOM! My head physically flurried with goosebumps from the base of my skull over my scalp to the front of my forehead in what felt like electricity gently yet intensely interconnecting each part of my brain to each other part so that there were no 'parts'; only the whole. My brain was alight. I had never thought so clearly. I've had ideas. I've had intuitions and realisation. I've had significant life changing revelations and moments of coming to deeper understand. This was different. I can only describe this as an epiphany. I have no reference point for what an epiphany is because I am experiencing my reality and no-one else's, but, if I were ever to give name to this experience, it was an epiphany.

What was this epiphany you may be wondering? Honestly, words will never do it justice. No matter how I string together letters and words into sentences to give semblance to a story, they are but a symbolic gesture towards a metaphor for that which will forever be known to none but myself and the universe. This entire story you're reading holds the same paradoxical nature of tale-telling enigma. Nonetheless, the epiphany was that 'I woke up'. In an instance, the reality in front of my eyes was brighter, sharper, and more colourful. Everything I experienced was like I was experiencing it for the first time as I did when I was a child. The vail lifted. The anthropogenic game was clear. The unknowable plan of the universe became evident. The possibilities were infinite. The layers of reality were multi-dimensional. I was flooded with a high greater than any drug had ever administered. My soul was in ecstasy. I couldn't stop laughing and smiling. I'm alive, from nothingness to somethingness to everything. I knew nothing, and nothing had made more sense. All I wanted to do was share my new found perspective with the world and in doing so help the spread of Love and conscious awareness.

A Whole New World

Despite wanting to share my new perspective with the world, I kept my new found perception to myself. Not only did I not have the words or prehension to articulate what had happened, I appreciated that if I were to try to share my experience with others who had not had a similar experience or the open-mindedness and imagination to accept the possibility of what I would share as truth, then I would be ostracised. I didn't need nor want that. I wanted to continue on my quest. If I wanted to help make the world a better place, I needed to understand what had happened to me. A deep intuitive knowing - the same gut feeling that took me to Canada and has led me true thus far - told me how I would help would eventually become present itself.

The 'the rabbit hole' had presented itself. I thought to myself;
"Fuck it, what have I got to lose? If this leads nowhere, it's not a 'waste of time' because I don't care to be alive. How can someone 'waste their time' when they have nothing to compare it against as 'not a waste of time'. University is easy and partying is getting repetitive and boring. Plus hey, I enjoy philosophising and some of what I think is, in my opinion, insightful. So many good ideas are lost to the stream of consciousness and I’d quite like to remember what I’ve realised. I don’t want to forget. I must write some of my thoughts down else I’m going to forget them. I’ll use notebooks so I can draw, sketch, write, & freely create. Although pencil and paper seem basic, in my opinion, they are the best tools we have as human beings to create freely. Alright, but don’t overthink it. Ok, this’ll be fun thinking about things there aren’t answers for. Countless people have gone down the rabbit hole over thousands of years, what's one more. I get that people fear this 'rabbit hole' thing, I feel that fear of the unknown too, but I don't care. Let’s see where this goes." And oh man, did it go places.

I understood how crazy I sounded to myself but I could not ignore the truth of what I had experienced - this new perspective of reality. So, that is one of the places I started. What was this experience? What was this epiphany? What was this post-epiphany phenomenon of now seeing the world with new eyes. What was this other phenomenon of focussing on the present moment to induce a sense of hyper-reality and an ASMR-like (not that I knew what that term was at the time) feeling which tingled from the base of my neck up into my head and down to the base of my spine. To understand these observed phenomena, or any phenomena for that matter, I had to embark with the intention of understanding all phenomena. Ridiculous, I know. I knew it was impossible to understand all phenomena. Nonetheless, in my mindset of "I have nothing to lose", I thought it was better to embark on the journey with no known end than to not embark at all. Who knows where I would be led. Who knows if there is an end. At least I now knew where to start. And so, I surrendered to the unknown.

Holding on to my new found sense of being, my (loose) preposition was; "through my own direct experience, what can I determine is objectively true about existence?". Correlation doesn't mean causation so I wanted to keep my focus on 'life is alive', 'existence exists', and the observation that "I am a holistic constituent of some form of ineffable existential phenomenon we call, 'The universe'". I didn't want to delve into any pre-ordained scripture, religion, science, art, craft, none of that. I had already lost faith in science. I couldn't trust other people's works. I didn't want to be told what was true. I wanted to come to the conclusions myself. I had to start from 'me'. From this basis, I observed my own experiences; I made notes, let questions lead to further questions, observed my surrounding, I observed my observations and eventually started to observe my own thought processes and feelings. I became aware that I was aware that I was aware of my awareness etc. Although I was naive in my approach and unaware of it at the time, I had started to deeply and intentionally engage in self-reflective, self-actualising, mindful practices. Now these are just words. Words mean little in the context of truly embodying something. As I later found out, this is why many different religions and philosophies touch upon many of the same things using different metaphors, symbology and terminologies. Anyway, I'm tangenting. The point is that I became both the 'observer' and 'active participant' of my reality.

My approach was ecological since I naturally view reality in terms of principles & interactions, not subjects and objects. And thus, I observed the interactions that were taking place beyond me; I observed the interactions happening within me; I observed the nature of interaction between myself and my environment. I observed the nature of interaction between my environment and myself. Where questions persisted such as, 'what is consciousness?', I continued to observe rather than seek. Somehow, I knew that the truth would reveal itself in time as the 'new' puzzle pieces I was attaining were filling in a bigger picture - I just couldn't see what that bigger picture was yet.

I had my epiphany a few weeks before my final year exams so decided to focus on those before giving my undivided attention to ad infintum. On the day I finished my last exam, none of my friends had finished their exams so I had no one to celebrate with. Perfect! I grabbed the bottle of prosecco my mum had given me, rolled a joint, grabbed my new notebook and headed to The Hoe. I found a bench, sat, let my mind wander and noted down a few things about how I was going to proceed. Within 15 minutes, a man in his 60s sat down on the bench beside me. I am now going to paraphrase from the notes I took that day..

I can't express enough how strange this experience was! A man sat down next to me shortly after I arrived at the Hoe. It was peculiar since there was plenty of empty benches lining the grassy knoll atop the harbour-side. The man's name was David, or at least, that's what he told me. David perched on the end of the bench. He was simply checking his phone when he said that it's nice to see someone not on their phone using their mind. We started talking and he asked what I was doing alone drinking "sparkling bubbly" with a pen and pad. The convocation began as if chatting to any person of an older generation but I got a deep feeling their was a deeper intention. He was well spoken - posh you might say. He had an air of wealth, peculiarity, charm and.. something, I couldn't quite put my finger on... What it was, I didn't know, but I usually carry the mindset encourage an experience because I do love an adventure and have the temperament to handle myself. I was of an inquisitive mind wanting to delve into fascinating questions and let the convocation flow, however, David kept deflecting and made it very clear early on that he didn't want to share much about who he is and what he does. In fact, he asked me to put my notebook away - everything I wrote down was written after our encounter from memory. This experience was hard to forget.

He was a self-proclaimed playboy philanthropist who had no prejudice towards anyone or anything over trivial ideals such as skin colour, race, sex, drive in life, age etc'. He likes 17/20 people, enjoys talking to 1/20, finds 1/40 understands 'the bigger picture' (meaning the game), and 1/100 he has an "emotional mental spark" with. He said how 'experiences in life are key' - ie to live your life and experience it. He said "people heard together into things they share in common on a surface level; things with physical and emotional similarity such as money, status, power, hobbies, jobs, sport or religion. They do not seek out people who are emotionally connected. This doesn't make those other people wrong; it simply means they are different as defined by their biology." I asked him what he meant exactly but he failed to elaborate in any significant detail. Was this man genuine or did he 'know what to say'? Narcissists often use the same words as empaths. There was such an air of mystery around the truth of this man which was guarded by his loquacious nature.

We continued to chat and share the "sparkling bubbly" from the bottle. By the time it was empty, he insisted that he return the favour and that I come to his place for another bottle and a cigar. I happily accepted but remained cautious. There was too much unknown about this guy and what his motives were; his reservedness, deflecting and un-openness despite his sage words of love and connection were flying red flags. As we walked, I noted down that "he proclaims acceptance but wasn't interested in other people whom he judged before meeting them, deciding they wouldn't be on his level". Nonetheless, I was intrigued by his mystery. His home was gorgeous. He owned a ground floor flat which adorned huge glass windows and doors which led into a private garden overlooking the Hoe. This was prime property. It gave me an 80s swingers vibe with cream brown sofas facing the sea, a wooden antique stereo, art deco paintings, a mounted telescope and crystal tumblers and flutes. It certainly fit David's vibe. He brought over some Cuban cigars and a nice bottle of champagne. I felt like I was being doted upon. He opened the bottle in front of me and I invisibly inspected the bottom of the shimmering flute. All clear.

David was old school and insisted that person-to-person interaction was deeply important. On that we could agree so I gave him my undivided attention. I steered the convocation in such a subtle way as to encourage him to share his stories - he clearly enjoyed telling me about his lavish lifestyle so maybe he was being reserved because he struggles to vulnerable? I'm also not a fool and know that some people speak elaborate lies because they themselves believe them. Who knows who he was. The whole encounter was very odd but then so is life when you really engage with it, so I met him with genuine, open and kind interest. He was very sweet and childlike in many ways. We did have a good giggle. He showed me his home in the same way your niece or nephew might show you their bedroom and toys. He told me that the Cuban cigars which were very exclusive and his friend had picked them up for him on a trip back from The States. He insisted I would be more than welcome to stay over any time (he had a spare bed but the insinuation was there). He showed me a photo of himself with his friend at a navy gala before going on to explain how he knew quite a few people in the Navy - hmm we're getting somewhere about his background - and would often stand at his window naked and watch the boys on the boats through his binoculars - oops, back to the sexual propositioning.

Finally, a little depth. But I still had no idea what this man did, what he was interest in - other than being a playboy philanthropist with a vast openness despite his paradoxical reservedness - or what his intentions with me were. David caught himself each time he began to talk of his affiliations with the Navy and redirected himself back to the blatant innuendos that he was a bisexual man. Yes, that was all too apparent now. I bounced the topic around but couldn't get him back onto the navy stuff without being uncivil; that area of his life was locked, sealed and guarded. A mystery. Instead, he shared how, when he was 35, he realised that life is for living and 'the bigger picture'; depression and pain changed his life view to one of "fuck not enjoying life, I'll try anything three times just to make sure I enjoyed it the first two times" - he only wanted experiences which uplifted his life and made him feel good.

The afternoon turned to night as we chatted away. I arrived at the Hoe around 4pm and left his home around 6:30pm. It felt like far far longer than a couple of hours. I thanked him for him time and he re-insisted to see me again - "You should come with me on a trip and drive my Jag in the French countryside" were his words. That generous bubbly energy was infectious but I still felt very uneasy in his presence; there were too many inconsistencies between his words and actions and my intuitions were screaming at me.

I needed to get this written down! I had just started a journey of discovery about the world I live in and this man of mystery appears from thin air at that exact moment? I ran for 10 minutes to a nearby cafe and started recounting the experience. I noted down an overall opinion on the experience: "I believed he was being genuine as he seemed to have no reason to lie other than to embellish stories. What he shared about the way he looked at life seemed genuine even if his method for existing was by being a playboy, shag, drink, old-school socialite. He certainly recognised and stated that emotional connection is key - "Engagement" on a personal level is the way to pass on 'invaluable life experiences and lessons'".

I share this experience because it was most peculiar. I had just started on my journey and here appears this enigmatic man with sage words but a sensation which had my intuition twisted and turning. Some of his advice was sage. I resonate with his insistence to live freely with no regrets looking back, to express yourself, deeply engage in interactions and get out of your comfort zone to experience life! I say this within reason of being safe as it is a jungle out there. This man mirrored my sense of 'live for the sake of living' but in the 'meaningless' way I had only recently broken free from. Something about him didn't add up. His words about openness and connectedness didn't align with his unwillingness to be fully open and connect. He held a veil on who he was. He held a truth which I couldn't break through to. Nonetheless, I felt that he didn't have the answers I was seeking. His inconsistencies and deeply ingrained material mindset despite hypocritical claims for emotional connection hadn't revealed anything I didn't already know. David seemed to have found what worked for him - there's an important lesson there as he seemed content with his life. But was his way of life the only way? I didn't appreciate it at the time, but he was the man whom I could become if I didn't change - if I didn't grow. Unintentionally, he showed me how important it is to listen to your intuition and that you cannot know a person's true intentions. There was lots to learn from this experience.
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Private & Confidential

..stapled in bold, capital lettering across the inner cover of my notebook! Each day was exhilarating, full of colours new to my eye and sounds I hadn't heard before. The subtle variegation on the mottled lime green leaves which no one seems to appreciate. The ants rushing up and down the burnt brown stems of the bush beside the coffee shop like a highway, going unnoticed by the traffic of passers-by. The ear-popping squeaking breaks of the train as it comes to a grinding halt. The micro-expressions of the black-bowler-hat-man and red-halter-dress lady as something known to only themselves and God came to their minds and rippled across their face. I was up with a bounce out of my bed every day with my new found fascination and love for life. I existed somewhere in the void between the perpetual smouldering burning sensation I had been carrying and a contrasting, enduring and ever-present lightness for the pure beauty of being alive. I was stretched to say the least. I was a walking talking paradox of undaunted willpower and unbridled dissonance; of radiant light and a crushing darkness; of meaning and no reason to live. Whatever I was, I was growing and changing at an exponential rate!  I was realising so much about our world which had been in front of my eyes yet I had not had the wisdom to see.
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I spent my remaining couple of months in Plymouth flowing from question to thought to observation to inspiration, round and round in circles and cycles which led to further twists and turns of Truth-seeking. I'm not going to be able to write out in detail and charismatic story telling all of the things which I consequently made notes about in the first weeks of my exploration but here are some of the titles from my contents pages: Seagull assessment making decisions, personal perception / social perceptions, stimuli, thought process, problem solving, appraisal of information, society and education, importance of scale and infinite variability, thought development though time, my life 'major events', analysis of mistakes, humanity advancement, hyper-realism, morality & non-duality, biologically defined traits, experience induced trait-shift, traits and grouping, expansive mind vs daily working mind, creative mode mindset, pain as a gateway to emotion, attachment to reality, interconnectivity of perception, personality spectrum, spectrum of consciousness, development of consciousness, a human super-consciousness, broadening of emotional scope, sustainability of society, manipulated mind, societal development and evolutionary development, conscious development & power, development of humanity, Marcuse: humanity is set up to fail -> our impossible current human society, philanthropy, ages, noosphere & colossus, hero story stages, history = economics, music industry labyrinth, Egyptian history timeline, perception of time, AI + restriction, double slit experiment, quantum physics overview, declaration of human rights, imagination & factual memory?, consciously/emotionally numb to reality, quality of experience, power, 'natural' ability, socio-ecology, David Foster Wallace, Human capital, memory, dreams & imagination, anxiety, mindfulness, psychedelics, perceiving 'disorders', our societal dilemma, human-computer interface, ethical systems... to name the less eccentric topics.

Most significantly, over the compilation of my notes, I tried to refine my insights into Objective notes on Human Existence. Equally significantly, I felt like I was losing my mind. I say this because I didn't know what was True (hence the quest). I can say this in jest now that I am older and have long passed this stage with a better understanding of spiritual emergencies. Ha, it certainly felt like an emergency at the time. I didn't feel like I was 'losing my mind' in the sense that my abilities to remember, compute, rationalise, recognise patterns, problem solve or the things which sustain 'me' were impaired. Instead, I felt like I had found my mind but no one else had found theirs. I felt like I was overly inundated with information that, although it made sense in my mind, I couldn't verbalise. I tried to confide in a few close friends. The inability to fully articulate what I was in the process of comprehending was as frustrating as the frequent responses of "it’s mentally tiring to think of that kind of stuff, so I prefer not to" and "ah, life is the best it’s ever been so I don't question things I can't change" or "it'll be ok" as if they sympathised for me as a friend but didn't want to hear anything I had to say which didn't align with their belief system. They cared for me (at arms length) but they couldn't help me. That said, I did have one friend who provided me with some rather scary insights on technology. Nonetheless, I concluded that I was alone on my journey. I felt like I wouldn't be able to reintegrate until I was able to confidently articulate my thoughts, be certain in my convictions and provide valid arguments and references from credible sources. Put simply, I was now in the deep end, learning to swim, alone, with no idea of what I would find in the depths.

Making Waves

After a month or so, it was time to leave Plymouth. I moved back home and continued to work on my notes for the following months. At the time, My mum was living in London, Northfields, so I took this opportunity to regularly jump on the tube into London and probe into things. I had theorised enough. There were people out there in the world doing things and I wanted to connect with them. I must admit, my sights were set a little lofty. I did things like head up to the big 3 music industry labels - Sony, Warner and Universal - and tried to loophole my way in to speak to people. This example came from the fact that music is possibly the most significant medium for incepting and transmuting people's belief systems. Music resonates with us on a primal level, connects with us emotionally, tells stories and defines our philosophies. Through music, you have a hand in influencing people's consciousness development. This is self-evident in music singles and albums, celebrity culture, influencer culture, etc. Back in 2019, before the post-Covid surge of independent artists, almost all music artists were under one of these 3 labels (most of the big/influential artists still are). As you can imagine, I was rebuffed time and time again. I didn't fully understand why. I feel like people didn't like me speaking about things which are supposed to remain unspoken. Oh well, I didn't care. I was still burning yet uplifted by simply being alive. I was invincible and knew that I will die when it is my time. And I knew that it wasn't my time. This may sound a little far fetched at this stage in the story - it'll be somewhat mundane by the end of the story - but during my time in Canada, I had a vision of my future where I was 25. Consequently, I acted like I was invincible out there too. Whilst skiing, I jumped off cliffs and once tumbled next to rocks without a scratch; I skied into a dead end and could've lost my thumb; and on one day slaloming in the forest, I was whipping between the trees, one, two, one, two, tree, tree, tree, suddenly a 4 inch wooden stake appeared at chest high and as my unconscious threw myself backwards like Neo in The Matrix, the spear rubbed my goggles onto my forehead. I've known death. I respect death. I do not fear death (of which you will find out more later on).That is not to diminish the fact that I have been reckless with my life and must pay thanks to karma and divine protection. I now know better. Nonetheless, whilst I tormented London, I deeply knew I would live. I can certainly say I felt alive.

London was a fun playground. Whilst others went to parties, conducted business, or got coffee, I continued making my notes and observations. I sat in elite bars, I drank in dive bars, I walked around surrealist galleries, I found random witchy side-alleys, I poked around museums of antiquity, I fed the pigeons and wondered what thoughts were passing across the walkways. My quest was leading to productive places with meaningful answers however, each time I answered one questions three more arose. I was becoming more certain in my knowledge but was not yet settled. That was ok, I didn't know what I didn't know but I knew this path was leading me somewhere.

London lasted for a few months. At the start of 2020, my mum, brother and myself moved back to our home in High Wycombe. There had already been rumblings of Covid but it hadn't become anything significant yet. I was intending to move to Australia but that wouldn't happen until mid-2020 so I got a job in a local aquatics shop. It was perfect in many regards. I had worked in an aquatic centre as a teenager; I had kept fish all of my adolescent my life; I was really good at engaging with people in an uplifting and meaningful way; and mostly significantly, I didn't have to 'think' about the job so could focus my mind on my research out of hours. As we know, Covid struck. I was very lucky to have the job as many people got laid off over Covid and we remained open as the shop was 'essential' for animal welfare. Fishies gotta eat too. Thus, I took Covid in my stead. Myself and my work colleague basically ran the store how we wanted. We rearranged the store to make sense, leading you from one section to the next. We set up some really cool display aquaria which allowed people to temporarily forget that they were enduring a dystopian pandemic. Plus, the days ticked by with a peaceful simplicity as my personal research wasn't at the perpetual forefront of my mind.

2020 quickly became hindsight. The shop constituted much of my time but I also found ample opportunity to get out and away for myself. Whilst most of the country was locked away in concrete clad cells, I was able to disappear to a gorgeous, secluded spot near where I lived. Up high on the Chiltern ridge line, the spurs of the ridge protrude like prong-like fingers into the farmland below and overlook the Oxfordshire plains. Much of the ridge is covered with various species of deciduous wood interwoven with patches of lush coniferous congregations of evergreens. Winter was my favourite time to visit. Tip-toeing my way through the trunks, light teal and turquoise lichens lined the limbs of the trees. The air was moist and fresh. Moulds and mushrooms mingled in the mushy, muddy leaf litter. Brambles and bracken blocked the way if not for slender thoroughfares tracked into the foliage by the deer. The spot I found had a little hollow at the end of a spur and as you exit the fairy grove you enter a landscape of gently rolling, tilled fields set under a sky-scape which varied with each visit. One day you may encounter a clear, crisp, unending blue the colour of coral reefs many thousands of miles away. Some days, crimpled, crackling grey clouds whisped and warped the motifs of witches and wizards in the air. Other days, you would be humbled by the warm glow of auburn red as fog flowed from the gates of hell which opened and closed beyond the horizon. Despite my isolation from mankind, I wasn't alone. In the summer, my companions were the red kites toying with the thermals overhead, the red ladybirds blinking stop-go-stop-go as they teetered between gteen the blades of grass, and the affirming rustle of the trees to remind me that they too have many ways of communicating if only we would listen. If ever there was an extension of my soul in time and space, this place was it.

By 2021, my objective notes on human existence had become a cacophony of interesting ideas and observations. However, they remained private and unorganised so were of no use to anyone – not that I knew what use they may have to anyone other than myself. I had spent a year and a half to get where exactly? I went on hiatus from my notes and focussed on other literature as well as living a little. It was during this process that my notes evolved into Humanities Objective Principles for Existence; HOPE. HOPE - had originally been an attempt in finding what is infallibly veritable about existing as an Individual, however, even if I were able to document any ‘principles’, they would have no functional use on their own. Furthermore, HOPE was disconnected from what is veritable about ‘Nature’ which the Individual is a holistic constituent thereof. This realisation demanded a revision to HOPE which resulted in the creation of Life’s Objective Verities of Existence; LOVE. LOVE was to document anything which could be determined as veritable about existence– the Human Individual, Nature, and the comprehensive Interactions of man and the universe – whereas HOPE evolved into being principles (kind of like human rights) by which Humanity may choose to enact in conscious acknowledgement of LOVE. Notes could not be made on one without the other and both are ever-open to evolution and amendments similar to how science develops through serendipitous leap and bounds of revolution. Finally, I had gotten somewhere meaningful with my work. The chaos now crystallised into order. Now that I am older, I can appreciate that the creation of HOPE & LOVE was my way of explaining reality to myself which had also been a long drawn out form of escapism. Yes I had found much insight, and yes my work had the potential to do much good in the world, but I didn't have anyone I could share it with. I had tried, but the few people I knew couldn't understand what I was sharing with them. I didn't have a community of like minded peers and I didn't know where to find them...

Plausible Deniability

If you're feeling a little lost in the story thus far, don't worry. I too was deep into the rabbit hole and lost at this stage. To recap: I was numb to the world, I made a choice to live, I lived free for a while but lacked purpose and meaning, I was perplexed by the premise of paradox permeating everything and entered a state of 'blooming, buzzing confusion' about reality, I then had an epiphany to do with consciousness & love pervading all of reality both anthropogenic and universal, consequently, I dived down the rabbit hole in a quest to understand what had happened to me and what was True about this reality, the rabbit hole led to many realisations about myself, the world, and the universe, and eventually I created a tool called HOPE & LOVE from the objective notes I had created about human existence. All the while, I was navigating a cacophony of feelings, thoughts, intuitions, moral dilemmas, wants, needs, people and life in general as well as experiencing deja vu of exact moments in time and space that I had already dreamed, intuiting things before they happen, and not being able to talk to anyone about this ineffable shit which transmuted my entire conscious and unconscious state of being. That's the basics of what you need to know before the mystical madness ramps up and makes more sense as we go on.
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I appreciated at the start of this journey that few people uptake the perilous quest into the void. Those who do, risk losing themselves to the unknown. Of those who return with the new-world perspective, they appreciate the what is possible; nearly anything is possible. Equally, not all people are good and knowledge is power. Those with knowledge are a threat to power. This was not a consideration when I began my journey. When I started I couldn't see many people doing anything so took it upon myself to do something. And anyway, who cares about some twenty year old poking their toe into the forbidden pool? Now I understood there are countless people in the world playing their games. And, well, you don't learn how to swim by poking a toe. And it seemed that, in my paddling, I had indeed made some waves which reverberated far beyond my naive comprehension.

I'd now like to add a note for what I am going to share. I hope you have enjoyed my use of metaphor and phonetic story-telling to help you see, feel and imagine what I have experienced. Some of what I will now share may seem conspiratorial and so I'd like to stress that I'm not going to be superfluous or extravagant but instead focus on the facts of what I experienced as it happened. Although I may gesture to multiple possibilities, I will not pretend to claim explanations for the experiences.

The first event which I had no explanation for started with David. Who was this man? What strange serendipity that he should appear when he did. On the surface, his overt sexuality seemed to be the overwhelming reason he wanted to know me. Although I wasn't aware of it at the time, I now feel the universe put him there to show me the kind of person I could become if I were to take one path rather than another. But there is still the possibility he knew I would be there. His affiliations with the Navy were extremely curious and secretive. Tantalising enough to say without saying. Let me elaborate on David. I decided to meet David again in the summer of 2021. We met in the Sherlock Holmes pub in London. Pleasant hellos and small talk got things under way. He then asked to head to his hotel quickly to get changed. As we headed in, he leant in to me and whispered in a hush voice that "this is a spy hotel. Look out for the mirrors and way it is designed." I wondered why would he tell me this but played it off with banter and curiosity. Leaving the hotel, on our way to grab some food he pointed out the building around us which were in fact military intelligence buildings. You would never know from outwards appearances; signage with run-of-the-mill businesses, typical looking windows and walls, where you could see inside looked like typical office space. I asked him this time why he knew this stuff. Deflections. He said he "knew people who knew people, you know how it is; stories". We had a nice evening but I was subject to the same 'David' whom I had met in Plymouth. Part of me believes he was embellishing stories to be interesting and make good convocation. Part of me wonders. Nonetheless, if everything is a game and you can't be upfront with what you want and who you are- whether that be fucking or espionage - then you aren't my kind of people.

Shortly after first meeting David in Plymouth, my friend - one of only two I confided some of what was going on in my life to - introduced me to his rabbit hole. He had a vast understanding of technology. Well, did I learn at thing or two which scared the shit out of me at the time (I'm a little more matter of fact about it now). Most people will be aware of cookies. If you search for stuff online, AI will track what you search and show you similar content. In short, this premise is applied to national defence. If you start searching up enough 'key words' for something - say you wanted to build a bomb - then eventually you - your IP and online profile - will ping up enough red flags for a human agent to check you out. With that information, intelligence agencies can act accordingly. Now, who defines what 'key words' are red flags? What constitutes 'red flag worthy' content? When this was explained to me, it scared the shit out of me because I was delving into niche topics which are, at their core, key to influencing the masses and deeply aligned to 'power' in general. People with power don't like people potentially undermining their power. Equally, if you start searching about certain things, maybe intelligence agencies want to hire you because you're of a 'certain mindset'. It wasn't like I was dabbling in occult research; I was throwing myself at the most fundamental topics to do with existence, consciousness, reality, technology etc. I was more than scared and beginning to get paranoid. Could people tap into my phone or laptop camera and microphone? What would happen if I learned about something I'm not meant to know? Am I already being watched? I had no idea of the extent of anything at this stage. When I was at the start of my journey and knew I knew sweet fuck all this scared the shit out of me. Now, it is what it is and I have nothing to hide. Anyway, ths is where this story gets weird...

After the first couple of weeks of making notes I felt like something was amiss. After the weirdness beginning with David, I noticed people hanging out near the house day after day. This could have been anyone, most likely some dude's getting away from their house for a joint. Who knows. My phone had been recommending deeply conspiratorial information and it was getting unsettling. Cookies (I hoped). It was all getting too much to quick! I needed out from Plymouth. I messaged my friend who lived near London and left at the drop of a hat. It was late in the evening by the time I left. That was ok, I liked night driving as there's less people on the roads and you can watch the lights of the cars. About an hour into the journey, I noticed a car tailing me. Hmm, maybe it was just a random car. There's plenty of cars going a similar speed on the motorway and it makes night driving easier if you follow a car in front. After a short while, I slowed down enough to let it catch up and pass. As it passed, I took note of the model and number plate. I then made a split-moment decision. There was a junction coming up which could take me 'the back way' to London down the A303 rather than taking the motorway. It was about the same time on the satnav. I waited for the mystery car pass the junction and I pulled off. I was on the A303 for about half an hour, maybe a little longer, before hmm, there's a car tailing me.. it's late and weird that this car had caught up with me but then maintained a distance behind me. Why not keep catching up and then pass me? It felt odd, so I slowed down a little again. I was still going a 'normal speed', but slow enough to see if this car would catch up or maintain its distance. The car slowly caught up with me until I could see.. It was mystery car?! What the fuck?! Put shortly, there is no simple detour or route to catch up with where I was on the A303. I know these roads. This car would have had to turn around at the next junction and put their foot to the floor to catch up with me?! As it neared me, it then significantly sped up to pass me. I couldn't see the driver but from the rear I could confirm it was the same number plate and same model. What. The. Fuck. To this day, I don't know what or why. Paranoia? Misinterpretation? Poor memory? Something, else? I don't know. It bothered me for a while until I let it go. It would be impossible to know the exact truth of the matter. All I could control was my actions and thoughts moving forwards.

I reached a sense of 'if anyone is watching me then they can talk to me or fuck off'. Thus, as you know, I got on with my life. Now let's skip to working in the aquatics shop. During my time there in the winter of 2020, a lady entered the shop. Yes, yes, lots of ladies and gents came to the shop, kids and dogs too. But this lady on the second visit let me know that "she never does this, but.." gave me her card and asked to be in contact. Sadly, I forget her name now. It was a little odd but hey, people hit on people all the time. Again, there was something which didn't add up about her so I did my due diligence and looked her up. I tried to find any reference of her on LinkedIn or any affiliation with the 'plumbing company' she worked for (I forget the name). Nothing. Hmm, what about facebook? Found her! You know when you see a fake profile; when it has maybe one or two profile pictures, the cover photo of a sunset and very few friends. Well, She had one profile picture, no cover photo, tens of friends and no information other than.. 'recently visited Russia'. Right.. I quickly shut it down. Firstly because I wanted interested in a relationship. Secondly, because - despite 'communism' having a deep ingrained influence across western society and I'm not a fan of capitalism - I don't follow any 'ism'; capitalism, communism, socialism, this-ism, that-ism. In hindsight I should've kept her details but again, this scared the shit out of me. The next time I went to look for her, her profile was gone. I couldn't find it anywhere.

Around the same time, I had a curious number of 'spam' emails from Quora reach me which were hyper-specific to the research and work I was doing. Again, probably cookies. So I joined Quora and answered some questions which interested me. A few weeks after the mystery lady disappeared, I was sat outside in my garden before going to bed when a drop down banner on my phone presented a post to a question from Quora. I replied aloud to the question. Instantly, another drop down banner appeared with a question in response to my reply. What the fuck? So I replied aloud again. And again, another drop down banner responded. This went back and forth a couple of times before I something along the lines of 'Who is this?! Who is doing this?!' to which the drop down banner specifically replied with post titled "Someone who loves you." I'm not going to say I knew what was going on or some movie script events then transpired; I was shit scared! My mind was racing and I was doubting my reality as I had done before. This is not a fun state to be in! However, unlike the other events which could have been coincidence or misinterpreted, this was solid. This was real. But what was 'real'? Who exactly was talking to me and why in this secretive conspiratorial way?! Was it a test? What did they want? Was it some form of conscious AI? Was it someone I personally knew? Or was it something more, ethereal? My mind was flashing and flitting between fact and fiction. I went inside and another notification popped up with a link to a profile for 'Kathy Payne Gailey'. I still have the link. I lay down on my bed and opened the link which took me to the profile which had hundreds of answers to questions in a feed which you could scroll down. I read the questions and their answers in my mind and replied to them aloud as I read them. At first, I thought that a response was being generated as I was talking however it couldn't have been. I scrolled down all of the hundreds of answers to questions and scrolled back up. They already existed. What happened next I can only describe by referencing David Tennant's Doctor Who, season 3 episode 10 'Blink'. In the episode, there are video tapes of the doctor talking that had been made years before the events of the episode. Watching them independently makes no sense. It's like he's talking half a conversation. However, at the exact moment that the main character in the episode needs his advice, she puts on the tapes and has a convocation with him via video tape. The video tapes are the responses to her side of the convocation. The only reason he knows what she is going to say is because someone writes down what she says and the manuscript is given to him before the events occurred. (time travel). This is exactly like what happened to me as I had a convocation with the feed. I didn't know what was coming up next. I simply read what was there and replied aloud. I then scrolled down a little and the next part fit perfectly as a response to my response. I have read the feed again since then and tried to have a convocation with the posts but one post to the next make no sense.

Whatever 'reality' is, this was my reality. Like I said , this isn't some movie script with a happy ending. I was scared and pushed all of it away. I didn't understand what was happening, why it was happening, I didn't have the tools or understanding to deal with anything and so I turned inwards (not in a good way) and put up my walls. I understand now that - psychologically - I regressed in a state of fear and unknowing as I hadn't grown enough yet as a conscious being; my shadows, inner child, trauma, and general lack of connectedness with myself were overwhelming me in light of these inexplicable events. It wasn't long after that I stopped all my personal work altogether. The date I have in my last journal places this around mid December 2020.

Each of these stories has plausible deniability because I cannot prove anything I am sharing. If I were to share this with people - especially those who have not peered into the void and beyond the vail - it would be deemed more likely that I was being delusional or paranoid than such an event actually happening. I've been as rational as possible about what I experienced. I focussed on what I knew and left what I couldn't be certain of as plausible deniability. Despite wanting to, I've not drawn conclusions or made deductions and instead observed and engaged with the experiences for what they were. Of course I have pondered the many possibilities of what transpired. If these events were anthropogenic in origin (ie people doing things) then I have no interest in playing maleficent human games of inception and trickery. If they were synchronous and 'of the universe', then I take them in stead for where those experiences have led me to today. Most significantly, and in line with what I felt about existence then and have experienced of it up until now, life is for experiencing, growing and learning about love; we are here to be an expression of connectedness and wholeness. I'll let you debate the meanings and prehension of those sentences.
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I've shared these stories firstly to show you just how far 'going down the rabbit hole' can go; The level of uncertainty which can leave you between paranoia and revelation; How isolated and alone you can feel on your journey; How hard it can be to determine if what you are engaging with is truth or facade. How you can go from one day feeling whole and the next feeling like a shell; How it becomes impossible to be a free-flowing authentic content person and engage in life in a meaningful loving way whilst your mind is occupied by the past and a need to understand. I wanted to share these experiences because, from my perception, they happened and yet I don't know exactly 'what happened'. People can get stuck in the rabbit hole preaching about things they have experienced which are half-truth-half-imagination. It is important to transcend the unknown back to what you know - what you actually experienced - and how that more often than not you are left with many variables of uncertainty which must be acknowledged. How important it is to move forwards with that information rather than being stuck in the past.

Furthermore, I've included these events to show you that it is ok to get lost. It is ok to feel crazy. It's part of the process! And most importantly, it's ok to share the crazy with people who will receive in such a way to help you move forwards rather than try to convince you what did or didn't happen according to their experiences and beliefs. I have no need to share my experiences to convince anyone of their legitimacy, but I am happy to be vulnerable and talk about my experiences if it helps others process theirs.

I've also shared these stories to highlight the importance of being both a scientific and a spiritual seeker. You cannot be one without being the other for both are seekers and observers of truth about existence. A true scientist is willing to have their entire belief system and understanding of the universe be destroyed and evolve with the presentation of new evidence which demands such revision. The same is true of the spiritual seeker. You must always be open to the fact you may now know most things despite how scary such uncertainty can be;

"knowledge is akin to data. Organized data is intelligence. Data organized in the proper perspective is wisdom. How do we organize data in order to be wise? Fluidly. Any time you are cocksure of anything, it becomes rigid information. To change it or integrate it into a larger picture, it will have to be made fluid. This is difficult to do. It is like unlearning a habit. So it is best to always keep information fluid by not being absolutely certain of anything". I didn't write that quote.. it was far wiser than I had the wit to wonder back in 2021 - it appeared within my HOPE & LOVE work document in a different font one day...
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All this time. All this knowledge gained. All this insight honed. All this seeking sought. Most of it was done done 'outside of myself'. Although I had unwittingly and sporadically engaged in practices such as mindfulness, self-actualisation, self-reflection etc, I had not had a present awareness of what these things were and so their effectiveness was chaotic as they were not a daily practice. In short, I had been seeking outside of myself so much that I had not Truly engaged with inner practices. I was trying understand and be cognitive of everything as if I'd find what I was seeking if I just kept seeking out there. And in many ways, I did learn a lot out there about the universe, but I hadn't really learned much about myself.

The Letter (Synopsis)
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I stopped all seeking in all forms. I deleted Quora, I stopped following my thoughts into valleys of void and plains of possibility, I closed the never-ending stream of tabs open in my browser and I put my work onto memory drives and left them to collect dust in a drawer that I could forget about. That isn't to say my journey stopped. Oh no, the journey never ends my friends; I still had breath in my lungs and spirit in my step, but like a child I pushed everything away out of fear. My life became one of enjoying the simplicity of my day-to-days working at the fish shop and existing in my turbulent contentment and heartache. I still held the bright eyed post-epiphany perspective that been born to life back in 2019, but I was alone. I can't say I was in love with my life, but nor did I despise my life. I had food, water, entertainment, a warm bed and no more threat of things beyond my prehension. I was aware that I was luckier than most in the world and very grateful. Plus, I had isolated myself away quite well. Nothing could catch me off guard now..

Wrong again. Shortly before the New Year I suddenly developed 9/10 chronic back pain around my coccyx which radiated up into my lower back and around into abdomen. This pain didn't subside. I was terrified that such pain could come on so fast and remain constant! I saw a physio who made the pain worse after thinking it was related to tight hip-flexors, I had an MRI scan which found nothing, I had a colonoscopy which found nothing, I was poked and prodded and no-one knew what was wrong with me. What was wrong with me?! In short, after a month it had reduced to a 4/10 in pain but my worry didn't subside. No one knew for certain what was wrong with me. My brain went to nuclear response as I worried I may have cancer or some kind of terminal illness - Hypochondriac. Eventually, (months after the following experience) a specialist finally concluded I must have a trapped nerve and there was little they could do; my best option was to do yoga and other flexibility practices.

A month after my coccyx pain came into my reality, on the 1 / 2 / 21 (interesting date) at 1am (interesting time) I had an experience. Leading up to 1am was nothing out of the ordinary before I got into bed. Teeth brushed, pillows plumped, I pulled up the sheets and lay on my left side in the foetal position. After a short while, I realised I couldn't get warm. I felt ice cold but the kind of freezing when you are feverishly hot. A chill set in and I began to shiver uncontrollably. It was strange, despite starting to feel scared thinking "why am I shaking and feeling so cold - I feel like I'm dying?!", something deep inside me soothed my worrying mind - I knew not to fight it. I didn't try to stop shaking. I shut my eyes, let go of my waking mind and surrendered to whatever was about to happen. I felt like I was dying. I felt like my soul was leaving my body. The blackness of the inner-side of my eyelids melted into a blackness of infinite depth underlaid by an ocean of pure colour and light. The feeling of convulsion dissipated as my sensation of existing changed from 'bodily' to 'of the soul' and I fell inwards from all directions to a place outside of time and space.
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Here is a synopsis of what I remember of 'The Letter' experience and my take-aways:
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As I entered this astral space, I found myself in a long ancient temple hall. Only thin beams of light gave a semblance of structure to the hall such as pillars which rose into infinity, raised stalls like galleries which surround a theatre stage, and the near-formless (humanoid / non-human) beings of light which inhabited them. It was like being in a court. I was alone in the centre. I had no body or any kind of 'form'. At the end of the hall ahead of me was the only deity which I actually engaged with. All the other beings were observers. Despite having no 'knowledge' of this place and the beings here before getting into bed and entering this astral realm, I knew this was Ma'at at the end of the hall and I was in the hall of the 42 Gods of Egypt. The beings of light were these 42 deities (the little form they had represented their key characteristics). It was like I remembered where I was and who they were from a memory of long past version of myself - from another life I had forgotten I lived. Ma'at and I communed telepathically. There was no pre-thought about what I might say, we simply communed as an expression of the soul. There was much we spoke about although I cannot remember it all. I'll note now that I was in astral astral state for about an hour and a half of Earthly time and so only had an hour and a half worth of waking memory when I came back to my body despite experiencing far more than an hour and a half worth of experience during the experience. This will make more sense in a moment.

Despite knowing, I asked where I am and why I was there. Ma'at informed me that that I was in the hall of judgement. As she shared this, more memory was awakened that I already knew that. Somehow I knew about the scales which weighs the Ma'at feather of Truth against your heart. It was like I was remembering from a past life. Having been worried about death, I wanted to know if it was my time. Ma'at informed me that it wasn't my time as I still have much to do on Earth to help others grow and find balance. She assured me that my scales are already balanced and will still be balanced at the end of my journey in this life; I already finished my last life balanced and chose to come back to help but have forgotten why I came back. I had forgotten? What have I forgotten? And with that, I relived my experience of life so far from my birth up until the present moment. During this time, I experienced all the pain/suffering or love I had inflicted unto myself or unto others. I relived ' the experience of life I had any direct influence in creating'. I relived this from my perspective, others perspective or Source/third party perspective. Suffering and Love are the only two states of being as 'pure' consciousness. Now those words, suffering/pain and love do no justice for the core accumulation of feelings, intentions, awareness, etc of all aspects of being Human in a single continuous moment. Those words are merely a gesture at what we cannot completely appreciate during our human experiences because we are a conglomeration of many things going on at once and the brain cannot comprehend everything at once - the human experience is limited (in comparison to universal oneness) for a reason; to learn and grow as a soul. In re-experiencing each and every moment I unbiasedly judged myself [for I am source as much as source is me]. The infinite variability of things to consider in judgement were refined into a singular feeling of suffering/pain or love which was the undeniable Truth of the judgement. Each time I experienced suffering/pain I could feel it pervading and burning my entire soul - some religions may reference this as burning away the sin. Again, words are but metaphors. Each time I experienced love I could feel it pervading and enlightening my entire soul.

As I experienced my entire life so far from multiple perspective, I recall making a conscious note to myself that I won't remember all of this when I return to my body because my brain can't hold all of that memory. It'd be like cramming 25 years of memory into an hour and a half of available memory space. I will have only the amount of memory associated with however long I am in astral state back in my Earthly body (about an hour and a half). And so I remembered the things I needed to remember. By the time we caught up the present, I understood that the our experience in life allows us to learn, grow, and find balance. I don't only mean learning like 1+1=2, I mean learning/growing as a soul; about connectedness; about being a consciousness; about love. I was reminded that our souls life journey is sculpted by ourselves from a place outside of time and space; you might think you are deciding everything here and now in your physical body (which you kind of are), but paradoxically you are also yet to design, designing and have already designed your journey from a higher dimension. The future is as much predetermined as it is non-determined. Time and space are paradoxically really difficult to explain from the 3D unless you cut through the paradox. When you're in higher dimensions, you understand that past/present/future are all happening 'now'. I was reminded that the point of being here on Earth is 'love'; to embody love, to learn love, to intend love, to know love, to share love, to be love. I also remembered that my role in this life is to be a conduit/catalyst for others to change and grow. I may not always like the experiences or role I play, but that is what I am here to do. I was also told that the bodily pain I am currently enduring in life is to remind me of this experience; each time my back niggles I will remember this experience and will be re-grounded. I was reminded that everything is as it is supposed to be, and by trusting innate-inner-knowing I will be taken to where I am supposed to go. I was reminded to trust in and surrender to the universe when things don't make sense. This probably all sounds very hippy. This story is going to get very trippy and I might lose some of you so want to keep things simple... There were lots of things I was reminded about existence and my soul journey.

I had caught up to the present. Wow! We were back in the temple hall. So I just saw my past. Can I see my past lives too? Ma'at informed me that I can if I wish, do I want to? No. I felt Ma'at's contentment to know that I knew I carry all that experienced knowledge in me already all the time and reliving it in this moment again would be superfluous. Cool. So 'past' and 'future' don't exist and are created in the same way, So I see my future? Ma'at informed me that 'yes, I can, but the future when viewed from the 3D can be treacherous as we are drawn to make conclusions. Without thinking, I involuntarily asked 'when do I die?'. It is important to know that in this realm when you think something, or ask something, a vision immediately manifests. As I asked this question I saw a swirl as Ma'at put my back into my body. I remember feeling her sassy playfulness like a mum being like "Nope, enough play time - Back you go." In leaving I saw an image of 69. This could mean many things and I look forward to learning of its meaning in the future. After the experience 'ended' in the sense that I was no longer in the astral realm, I was still in a trance state and deeply connected to source. I needed to write 'The Letter'. It was vital to manifesting a reality for myself.

I think I've tantalised you for long enough about 'The Letter'. In the next chapter I will provide you with a transcript because I haven't even mentioned how my back pain dissipated like a droplet of water across a still pond; I haven't made reference to the fact there were other consciousnesses/souls which were deeply connected to me in the astral as well; I haven't talked about manifestation or reality creation being the same process here on Earth as in he Astral realm - there's just a longer 'lag' between visualising and manifesting. I wanted to give you a synopsis because 'The Letter' itself doesn't include all the things I have mentioned in this chapter. 'The Letter' itself is rather chaotic as I didn't write it for others to read or make sense of; I wrote it solidify the manifestation of the universe I exist within. However, I appreciate that my sharing of this experience may be valuable for others in one way or another.

So what did I learn, remember and embody as direct and indirect consequences of this experience. In time, I have learned that this event was deeply related to my spiritual emergency/awakening. This event was what some might describe as a Near Death Experience. The realm I had entered may be referred to as the astral realm and you can reach this realm through training and practice. I have a better understanding of why and how foresight is possible; Similarly, what deja vu is and why it occurs. I now know through experience (reaffirmed by academic content) that ones own consciousness is not not located in the body but pervades all of the universe. I deeply know what 'God'/Source/Universal Consciousness is and that there is no True 'self' for all is one. I know that I'll always be playing in paradox trying to explain any of this to anyone haha. But I am content with the sheer paradox of everything. I now know that Ma'at and the other deities are as a manifestation of my own psyche as much as they were a metaphorical mouthpiece to give form and bounds to the formless, infinite, universal consciousness that we call 'God' and that they are as 'real' as I am. Gosh, that was a wordy sentence. I had directly experienced the non-local non-dual quantum nature of reality and that my 'objective notes' would always only get me so far as there is no 'objective' reality of subjects and objects based upon a mechanical philosophy. I know that everything is intra-connected as there is no division between mind and matter; that there is no division between observer and observed as the two are entangled; that there is no division between you and I; that our 'physical' reality is based upon a 'soup' of pure consciousness manifesting reality into existence; that time and space in simple terms are an illusion. I now viewed reality in a way of 'quantum-thinking'. And significantly, I knew that I knew nothing and am always open to new explanations and experiences.

Now that I am older, I appreciate that one of the most important lessons from of this experience is that there is no single moment of "aha, I get it! I've figure it out! I have completed life and am enlightened". How ridiculous and egotistic. You are ever growing and being tested. It is a daily practice - a moment by moment practice - to remain present as the 'highest version of your self'. It's not only the big moments of paradigm shift and revelation, but the little moments day-to-day when you catch yourself doubting or fearing something and instead transmuting those 'non-highest-self' thoughts to remain aligned to your souls true desires and purpose. That there are no 'big' or 'small', 'good' or 'bad' moments as all moments are the same. It's about accepting, surrendering, and being in flow on your journey. Everything happens exactly as it is meant to - the most important thing you can do is understand why you've made the choices you've made and the life you have laid for yourself. I could go on with fluffy, hippy language. Words words words. I'm talking about manifesting reality right? No, I'm just sharing a wacky story. So let's go back to 2021. That night, I was shown/reminded that my soul - consciousness - literally designs & creates reality. The best metaphor I can use for what it was like whilst I was in the astral realm creating reality would be like being on computer and creating a game pixel-for-pixel whilst you are a character playing the game whilst you are sitting & looking at the computer screen whilst you are in your body pressing buttons whilst you are viewing yourself as a mental observer of your own thoughts whilst... you get the picture now? I was creating physical reality from an imaginal realm atom to atom, breath to breath, like I was watching a movie. And you know what, the fact I was creating reality in that awesome astral way wasn't actually the important bit.. The important bit was that I wasn't creating reality 'for the sake of it'. It was crafted to have meaning. It was apart of my journey; I wrote 'The Letter' to solidify a universe of love and my existence in it.
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The Letter (Raw)
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Note: I was in a Trance state whilst writing this and wrote this for my self at the time. I have tweaked the language from what was originally written and have added a few notes for ease-of-legibility now that I have a greater understanding of what transpired. I will repeatedly refer to 'essence of consciousness' - this is equivalent to your soul. I use this term of 'an essence' as merely a small piece of the singular Source consciousness.

Here is 'The Letter' I wrote to myself after this experience:

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For millennia, since the first Humans, I am sure one question has repeated itself - whether all Individuals have the same 'experience' prior to death? For how would one know if it is only experienced by the Individual prior to their own death? How would anyone who has not experienced the experience know? And if there is an experience, what is it?

On 1/2/21, I believe I had this experience. 'Words' cannot do it justice for the feeling is that of oneness with timeless deathless singular consciousness. At death, one's self (soul / consciousness) becomes removed from the body & mind. The essence of consciousness that inhabits the individual that you are during your material 'time' on Earth becomes one again with the timeless singular consciousness that perforates all of existence [ie this singular consciousness is 'The Universe', 'Source' and 'God' by those terms. Again, words are merely a gesture at the Truth]. At death, your consciousness becomes (re)-connected to oneness. [I note 're'-connected because you are always connected to the singular God/Universe consciousness]. The 'time' oneself has spent existing up until the 'death experience' is the judgement; Now one with The Source of all consciousness, your individually lived essence of consciousness is made to re-live, re-feel, re-experience every moment from your birth up until the present. [...] Your judgement is to re-live /re-feel all of the pain & negativity you have inflicted unto yourself and the pain & negativity you inflicted on others. [these words - pain & negativity - are merely metaphors as it pure consciousness only feel 'good' or 'bad' and it is a felt knowing. The pain/bad is a burning through your entire being, good/love is an enlightening of the opposite resolve]. You relive all of this pain & negativity from every perspective since your birth up until your physical death. This means from the perspective of self, the perspective of other, and third person perspective; each perspective having its own feeling of events. Put simply, the more 'pain' you have inflicted in your life, the more you relive during your death experience. The feeling of 'pain' accumulates over the whole experience and if it is 'too much' then your 'essence of consciousness' is relinquished back to timeless oneness nothingness. [It is like, saying your soul is dissolved back into the primordial soup of existence rather than 'going on', wherever 'on' is]. At the end of reliving all pain from birth to present, dependant on whether you 'consciously survive' the experience, you are judged. No words can do justice to what I am attempting to convey. Basically, if all the pain you inflict in all forms is less than your exhibited acts of love, then you pass judgement. It is a judgement of your soul, not just your actions and so your intention is very important - ie did you genuinely intend love?

In reaching the present moment, I had been shown that 'I' - my essence of consciousness - designed all of my 'past' moments. it became apparent that, because I designed my 'past', I therefore also design my present and thus my future. I had been concerned I had a bad lower back. I did/do not exactly know what is/was wrong with it. I was aching and in pain inside. As I became one in the present and was no longer 'reliving the past' - when made this realisation of True reality creation - I felt an indescribable feeling perforate all of the cells in the area in my back which I had been concerned about. Like a cleansing. I knew/know I am healthy. [Like a droplet of water across a pond, the pain dissolved]. I was told that I would have a minor ache there for the rest of my life to remind me of this experience and the things I needed to remember.

Whilst I was reliving the experiences of pain, my physical body was shaking and convulsing. I felt the pain of my past accumulating. Although it was a 'soul' experience, because I wasn't physically dead as you 'should' be during this experience, my physical body also relived the pain and would either survive the pain or not. During this period whilst I was connected to oneness, I could feel the presence of other essences of consciousness - other individuals - willing me on, giving me energy to survive the experience. These were Individuals I had connected with and were most meaningful to me. Being timeless and spaceless, these Individuals may now have known about my experience on 1/2/21 on that day [I did some subtle enquiry the next day and the main 3 people had no idea]. But being in a truly timeless, spaceless realm, they were there. The main Individuals with me were my mum, my friend Toby, and Natalie. The words essence/consciousness don't do justice to the feeling of connectedness to one and others.

It was evident we are all of one consciousness which pervades all beyond time. It is the fabric that is all of now. But becoming truly present with oneness was not the end as I had been shown/come to understand/remembered that - after I had designed my past & present - I can design my future. The future that comes to pass is determined by the present I design/imagine in the 'now'. This is strongest/most achieved when connected to oneness. [ie whilst in physical form on Earth, manifestation kind of has a lag effect. When in 'oneness' state, reality creation is instant; When you think about something, it happens]. I felt my like my literal/physical death was imminent but for this being explained to me/coming to know that this was a death of my 'mind'; not of my body.

During this 'death experience' - whilst I was most connected to source than I have ever been -was prime opportunity to design my future. Every possible scenario for the aftermath of this 'death experience' was/is true, so I must be careful not to accidentally imagine/design self inflicted disaster. Apparently, prior to this event I had been unconsciously instinctively foreboding that my death would be on 1/2/21. Thus, I could let that physically occur as one possible future, which the essences of Toby and Natalie made clear they felt sorrow and malcontent/disapproval at. They pulled me back. So I imagined one more day to be able to voice this 'death experience' such that everything I had ever worked on up until now might be carried forward by those who have the will to achieve it.

I had already endured the bodily feeling I would have during my 'death experience' so when my death comes it will be a euphoric release back to oneness/singular consciousness. But the others had more to say/determine. There will be a universe where I physically died on the 1/2/21, but it is not this universe/reality. My death on 2/2/21 will occur in other imagined universes, but again, not this one. In this universe/reality, by writing this letter, I had/am/would surrender to knowing oneness now. (Remember, this is all being imagined in the early morning of the 1/2/21 both in my astral trance state and whilst I physically write this letter).

I designed it, thus it came to pass. And that is just it; when connected to oneness, the reality consciousness imagines comes to pass. I did know what this meant until I experienced it. All the realities I imagined were real in their own right, but if I focussed, my essence in this reality could design moments in this reality. [I’m trying to say that I could see there were infinite other realities I could engage in creating, but I chose to engage in creating the one I am living out]. In timeless consciousness/Being the imagined/designed future comes to pass. I do not mean this like imagining a future in the present and then trying to achieve it like a child imagining being a football player one day. Rather, I mean imagining reality that every atom of a moment is designed and comes to pass.

This became most significant/apparent when Natalie’s essence was not only connecting with me in present time but also as a much older lady [ie as her present soul and as a more grown soul]. One essence of consciousness can connect to another essence of consciousness at any time. However she did it – she saw it in a movie – that brilliant gorgeous lady connected with me from 2 separate times to help me see/know in designing a future.

I imagined writing this to gain myself a day. Instead, I gained a lifetime. On the 1/2/21 my mind experienced a death so that my soul& body could live a life worth living. Of all the conceivable futures and realities, I imagined/created one where I wrote this, and through writing it solidified its existence. An existence/universe of love. This experience allowed me to know that at one singular point in time, one may connect with timeless spaceless consciousness (and even reach out to other times).

Being connected with timeless oneness is not describable in words.

I experienced timeless being then whilst in this state of timeless spaceless being experienced my entire life of ‘pain’, being comforted by those I am connected, then designed realities I imagined after ‘passing’ judgement’. I experienced the power of oneness consciousness from which we are all derived and wholly connected to as it is us and we are it. Consciousness is presence.

In timeless oneness ‘reality’ is designed. Moments solidified.Which reality you follow is for consciousness to decide. All that is, is, as I am now. Words are just words. Being is being.

Returning to my bodily self, I could remember the experience because I had just designed my future to include this letter. But I knew I could not remember all future moments which I been shown. I would remember that everything that is, is; designed moments as consciousness exactly imagined. I can only recall snippets of this designed future, but that is not the point. The important thing is to remain present and remember – remain aware – that everything is as it is supposed to be, and by doing so and trusting, my innate feeling will take me to where I am supposed to go. Just as I first realised in 2017coming full circle to 2021 – reborn.

As such, I used to not be able to feel/foresee beyond 2021.Now I know it was because I could not feel beyond the death of my mind. (Meaning my consciousness/soul/self now controls my mind more strongly than my mind controls my self). I can now feel a long and unknown future ahead. The engine was running but now the light is turned on.

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Knowing Isn't Knowing; Experience Is Knowing.

Gosh, I said 'truly', 'oneness', 'imagine', 'design', 'essence' and 'consciousness' a lot didn't I haha. You can appreciate I didn't have the tools, language or ability to convey my experiences very well back then. I'm a little better than I used to be at using metaphors, citing references and seeing what resonates with each person I interact with.

By now, you might be thinking this story has become an elaborate fantasised tale of the imagination; that I am using metaphor simply to embellish some kind of dreams and many of my experiences aren’t 'real'. But what is 'real'? As I stated at the start of this story, unfortunately, we must bridge the gap between my experiences and your assimilation of them by using words which will never truly let you experience what I experienced. They are merely a mirrored lens reflecting surface prehension on a pool of personal events. I reiterate this now because I am doing my best to share real lived experiences. Of course, this story is merely a synopsis of my life from my perspective and far more things happened and active prehension vs memory are different. Nonetheless, I hope the significance and meaning of what I am sharing is not being diminished; that there are lessons to learn about life and reality in what I experienced as I experienced it; that my evaluation and conclusions of how and why these things happened are secondary to the fact that one can never draw a line of 'certainty' until you can explain the ineffable using many different methods and forms of communication; that in sharing my experiences I am merely signposting you to your own experiences. This is why I often say, "knowing isn't knowing; experience is knowing". If you read about the feeling of stubbing your toe, or learn about the biology of what happens when you stub your toe, do you Truly know what that experience is? No. You need to experience stubbing your toe to know what it means and how it feels to stub your toe. The same can be said for nearly every experience in life; anger, pain, joy, love, enlightenment, narcissism, astral travel, altered states of consciousness etc.

So, what have I experienced so far? I have gone from living life same ol’ same ol’ to being depressed enough to question being alive. I have then gone on to make a choice to stay alive with the freedom to not care about anything other than the present moment as ‘I am not my thoughts’. However, I was still burning inside, pushing people away and running from my mental anguish. I had an epiphany that paradox pervades everything and that I know nothing in comparison to the infinite nature of reality. My belief system was shattered but I felt a deep enlightenment and love for life. I could enter a state of ‘hyper-realism’ by focussing on reality. Being alive was, different; more, real. I threw myself at the rabbit hole; I found patterns and pulled threads. I had experiences which I could not rationalise. I learned a tremendous amount and realised how little I know. I moved with an air of excitement and adventure before falling into deep fear. And I then had this mystical experience. It’d been one incredible story, that’s for certain.

After the 1/2/21, I started looking into and researching theses and antitheses of what my experiences may have been. I studied mental disorders including but not limited to delusion, paranoia, schizophrenia, bipolar personality, hallucination etc. I wanted to know more of theories for the nature of reality such as simulation theory, quantum theory, subjects & objects, phenomenology etc. I looked into spiritualities to see where commonalties could be found such between the lines of scripture such as Brahman, seers, astral, liminal spaces, the imaginal, demons, God etc. The Truth is.. ineffable. We approach it from many different angles and provide signposts to reach a place of deep knowing, but alas, the best we have are words and sharing of experiences which become blurred though the vailed ether of interaction. One must discover for one's self.

In hindsight, it's kind of crazy how - having had incredible esoteric experiences within myself - I continued to seek answers to these experiences outside of myself. My research didn’t lead much further than it already reached by the end of 2020. I pushed away any help and went back into my own bubble of discovery. In hindsight, this dragged out the process, but you know what, I was fucking scared and kind of done with it all. I was extremely confused about who, how, when, what, why looking back through my life. I felt like I hadn’t seen things happening in the moment because I wasn’t being present and now realised lots in hindsight. I felt incredibly gifted but equally useless. It felt like so much of my reality had been a fantasy, and what other’s might call fantasy was my reality. I needed a break. So, let’s skip across 2021 a little. By the end of 2021, I decided to head to France for a ski season.

‍Slip & Slide or Stable Ground

‍Maybe there was no end to this journey. Maybe I had simply dived headfirst into an existential crisis hoping for a solid landing at the bottom. But there was no landing or sense of solidity. I had come full circle. I had seen the deep layers, cryptic cyphers, subliminal, patterns and games being played in music, movies, books, politics, religions, history, economics, technology, and.. oh look, I was running away from my issues again by going on a ski season. I had gone through all of this to feel like I was back at square one! What was I missing?! I don’t care for these games of inception and manipulation; I am not interested in money, power, status, position, or material things; I don’t feel content with the amount of suffering on planet Earth but what should I do with my life? The only thing that matters to me is love. I just want to live a life that I love, with people I love, helping the world discover love. But I felt alone. I had come full circle in my ‘external’ research; I knew enough... I’d experienced enough… I’d had enough…

As a reader, having reading about a step into madness, plausibly deniable conspiracies and the astral realm, I’m not sure how I can make this part of the story sound particularly sexy. But it has it’s own wealth. It was wholesome. It was why we live; to live free and in alignment with love. No more philosophising and experiencing the incredible. Life is incredible. You’re alive right now! How inexplicable, wondrous and special! Explain how that’s possible! So off I went to live again. It wasn't ‘for the sake of it’ like when I went to Canada. Despite finding love and a wake-up call in Banff, I was burning for a fleeting feeling of fun back then. This time, although I was running away from my external life, I wasn’t running away from myself. I wanted a fresh start.

I applied to be a resort assistant with a resort company who owns multiple chalets in a number of French ski resorts. The resort assistant was basically the handyman of the resort. This role fit me well. I would be required to drive the mini-bus to collect and drop off guests, fix things in the chalets which the hosts wouldn’t fix, collect food once a week for the chefs, and generally do whatever needed doing. I’m a master of winging it with a background in the military who can get anything done and has worked on numerous of my dad’s home-building projects. Plus, I hated repetitive jobs and this role had room for something different every day. If all went well, I'd be living with people in their 20s, do the work required, and have plenty of time to ski.

I flew out to Geneva in late November 2021 to meet a small cohort of staff. The season began with all staff meeting in Reberty for formal training over the period of just over a week. It was stunning and a breathe of fresh - cold, crisp, mountain - air. I've visited the French Alps a number of times in my life before this 'working holiday'. Family holidays to Val Thorens constituted most of that time but they ended when I was 10. The other time was a Snow Riders trip to Val Thorens at the start of my third year of university - you can imagine how that was a rogue week long attempt to relive what I had lost in Banff. Now, here I was in Reberty warding off the want to let it all go and lose myself to the streetlamp lit crimson crystal snow falling from the nothingness of night above. To live a brief life of resplendent beauty; unique and shining with nothing to lose nor gain. A life only seen by those who raise their eye and look for something gracefully dancing in the ether before disappearing and melting away, as what was once cold-sharp beauty transforms with the touch of warmth into an iridescent droplet of flowing possibility. I felt home but not alone in my solitude high on mountain altitude. The soft snow buffered sound of near nothingness was a melody I could listen to for millennia. The warm wooden chalets clustered in cozy communities wrought a feeling of connectedness to something familiar to my soul. The bitter bite was one of playful blush not intending to harm, but to tease and tantalise a burst of belief in something bigger than myself. The mountains have always felt like home. Where that feeling is present, I know I'm on the right path.

A Familiar Feeling

Reberty was a fun stint. We had chefs, hosts, resort managers, resort assistants numbering maybe a hundred people in total. The days were really easy learning the expectations of the organisation, learning the role of resort assistant in greater detail, getting qualified for driving & maintaining the minibus in snowy mountainous terrain, and hopping between the Reberty chalets fixing things. It was a strange but wonderful period which I am impressed the company made the effort to bring to life. By having people naturally connect with those who resonated with one another, Ski Famille allowed natural bonds to form and then tried to keep those groups together to work on each resort. Unfortunately for the resort assistants, there would only be one of us on each resort so we would certainly be separated. Nonetheless, the week was wonderful. The work/training day was easy and fun; the evening of drinks, music and games was even more fun. I had made a specific request to be the resort assistant in Les Gets because two of my closest friends happened to also be doing a ski season in the town over. If I could get out there, we would be skiing the same terrain.

Training week came to an end and I drove half of the team out to Les Gets. Upon arriving, we learned that the Ski Famille nannies were doing their training in Les Gets. Ski Famille are unique in their chalet services because they offer a nanny service to look after young children so that all family members may make the most of their holiday. This would not have been worth mentioning but for the second coming of Covid. Almost all of the nannies one by one came down with Covid. It wasn't just the nannies, France and much of Europe went into lockdown at the end of 2021. We had been expecting our first guests at the start of December. Instead, the few of us who were in Les Gets were on 'nanny duty'. We were expected to buy and collect food and necessities for the nannies as well as prepare the chalets for the postponed guests.

What was a fun and well paced work-life routine in Reberty had turned into back to back 50 hour weeks for myself, and long 30-40 hour weeks for the other staff. It was disheartening that we had no time to ski but there was more important things to do; the welfare of the nannies was paramount. And so, we grafted on behalf of the company. Considering Covid was sweeping Europe, we were fortunate to have an income and roof over our heads. Ski Famille were admirable in so far as they kept all of their staff in France and endured the financial storm. Admittedly, they had insurance and were able to do so. The future was uncertain as there was no expectation to have guests until January at the earliest and lockdown could last far longer than that. Leading up to mid-December, our team was becoming increasingly drained and demoralised as we were forced to work harder than any other resort with nearly no time off and no ski-time at all. Then things started getting messy.

For weeks, our team had been putting in back-breaking work and tolerating a shifting, uncertain and stressful situation. The nannies were beginning to get better and test negative for Covid. We however, began testing positive for Covid. It was somewhat inevitable. We had been in town, in the grocery store, and had to come within some distance of the nannies despite our best efforts. We were living in small connected apartments so had to lockdown together. Some of us suffered far more than others. Nonetheless, we were stuck at home for 10 days. This was irritating, but then insult came to injury. Whilst the nannies were ill, they had their food paid for them and paid 'sick days'. However, we were told that we had to pay for our own food and were not going to receive sick pay. Considering we had just busted our asses and put ourselves at risk of Covid for Ski Famille, you can imagine our discontent. We were told that we were fortunate that some of the still healthy staff could collect food on our behalf. This became the mantra of Ski Famille; that we were lucky to still be in France at all and so to be grateful for what they gave us. We were told; "If you want to leave, leave. You're replaceable". This may have been accepted by most 18-20 year olds, but a number of our staff were older. We didn't roll over and knew our rights. Furthermore, this was also over Christmas and New Year. We were stuck and financially struggling over the Christmas holidays. To rub salt into the wound, come the new year we were given a link to apply for compensation - all we needed was proof our our illness day by day. Well, by now we were all better and could not provide that proof.

I must say, we did have a really wholesome Christmas. Those who were testing positive - which was 6/10 us - could intermingle with one another. We played games, listened to music, drank merrily, watched movies and had a smoke together. We became our own little family. The dinners spent nestled around the little, round, red and white crosshatch table; The card and board games teasing one another whilst getting to know how we tick and who we are; The freedom to be goofy and silly with no expectations or responsibilities. Despite being an all round crappy situation, we made those 10 days special.

As each of us began testing negative, 5 of us had lost enthusiasm and interest in working for Ski Famille. As explained above, we weren't going to be treated as economic units. We handed in our resignations and found an air BnB apartment in Morzine to share. We had until mid-March until our visa's came to an end. 7 weeks of of skiing with no responsibilities sounded pretty good to me. The 5 of us - Gemma (19), Wayne (20), Freya (22), Bernie (18) and myself - were a unique mix of characters but synergised with one another well. Gemma and Wayne were a couple from Kent. Wayne and I are still close friends. We both have a similar chill, open, empathic, somewhat-hippy vibe about us. If I could summarise our connection in four words they'd be 'The Big Lez Show'. It's a rather niche/cult show with a particular sense of humour; if you know you know. It's not tremendously common to meet people who have also seen it. During the day, I spent much of my time to myself as I wanted to ski hard, hit the park, hit some cliffs and find fresh powder. Unfortunately, the others weren't as adept at skiing than I am. I also wanted to meet up with my two friends from home so would go off to see them. I spent a few days here and there skiing with the others, or at least meeting them at the end of the day for a ski before having some over-priced beers at the après-ski bar. Gemma was very different to Wayne but we connected deeply in a different way. Despite being 19, Gemma was very intellectual and so we resonated on that level. She was the antithesis of Wayne. I didn't see them lasting forever; you know how it is, first loves and patterns unseen, but they made sense and we became really close. Freya and Bernie were slightly different again. The were how I might say 'straight edge' compared to Wayne, Gemma and myself. Freya wanted to ski, go to après and have a good time. With cheek and sass, she had this ability to always have a giggle at the most seemingly simple things. Similarly, Bernie wanted to make this most of this trip before going to university. The two became very close during our lockdown as they contracted Covid later than everyone else.

Time became an illusion for the 7 weeks. We seemed to live together forever, and yet, the time between moving in and departing for our flights home came and went in a blink. For all intensive purposes the ski season had been a long holiday, but exactly what I needed.

Loose Ends & Dead Ends

I returned to the UK in March 2022 and started a job I had lined up in the April. I'm going to have to backtrack for you a little. Remember I mentioned Toby? In 2020 whilst I was working at the fish shop, Toby came to the shop looking to buy a fish tank. I can still vividly remember the moment he entered the shop; his aura was glowing bright and white. When people have a particularly bright aura, it's kind of like the universe letting me know this is someone I must engage with. People's aura's are a reflection of their personal energies, but when they are extra luminous, it's a clear marker of the path I must take. A northern man with a quick dry no-nonsense wit, we got along very quickly. Toby was 20 years my senior but he invited me to dinner and quickly became someone I could share my insights and questions with. He was the first person who clearly had an understanding of whatever it was I had experienced and was now trying to understand. Toby worked for a small recruitment company which specialised in technology companies with a keen speciality for C-level management. Considering what I knew that I knew, knew what I didn't know and didn't know what I didn't know, this intrigued me. The idea of being a part of the mechanism responsible for vetting and moving players at the top of the tech pyramids gained my attention. Simple question, what has a more significant influence on your life than technology in this world? Not a lot. I must admit, nothing about the job on paper appealed to me but the possibility of where this may go and what I may learn did appeal to me.

Toby got me an interview before I went on a ski season. I decided I needed a break before seeing were the next phase was to take me. I joined the firm in April 2022. When I got home after my first day, I cried. I deeply knew this job was not for me. The job would be sitting in an office, staring at a screen, mindlessly scrolling through profiles all day. The location of the office was situated in a gorgeous location next the the River Thames. All I yearned to do was be outside. I could rationalise the positive impact this organisation could achieve through finding the right minded people and moving them into positions to facilitate positive change. But my day-to-day was life draining. I was a cog in a money making machine. The longer I was there, the more I felt this was not about love or making the world a better place. I didn't want to disappoint Toby as he had warned me that this job probably wasn't for me, so I stayed for 6 months and counted down the days to freedom.

These 6 months weren't all doom and gloom. I learned a tremendous amount about the how the business world works, how businesses are structured, how the greater economic system works, and a general feel for the games that are played within the business world. This was useful to know, but nothing I wanted to be a part of. I wanted to help people. I wanted to change the system to benefit everyone. I wanted to play a role in making the world a batter place. And so, I restarted my work on HOPE & LOVE. I had started to appreciate that the term 'objective' was also inappropriate despite my own conception of what I meant. A better term I have only come across recently is 'omnijective'; a phenomenon that is neither subjective nor objective but an incorporation of both psychological and physical - A term used by Michael Talbot but first coined by Corbin using the term 'imaginal' to describe the blurred status of reality. I restarted because, once again, I couldn't remain ignorant to how relevant my work was to all the other sources of information I was reading. My break in the French Alps and new found knowledge about the business world had given me fresh motivation and insight. I reconnected with what had originally led to HOPE & LOVE; the epiphany. It had been 3 years since 2019. I'd built up a far better ability to articulate my intuitively known post-epiphany perception but had been flickering in and out of embodying it. I didn't fully appreciate that at the time. All I did know was that I felt like I hadn't yet found a satisfactory explanation for what had happened to me. HOPE & LOVE was a 'tool' created from that deeply innate transpersonal knowing as a result of the epiphany, but how that was possible and the methods to master myself still eluded me.

Share in Life; Know Thyself

Finally, I started to intentionally do inner work. However, I had little idea of how to do inner work. I intellectually knew how to do inner work, but that doesn't mean you're actually doing inner work correctly. I had extensive knowledge about the body, mind and soul but only through the lenses of leadership, ecology and my personal experience so had limited methods of communication. Despite this transpersonal force working through me, I still didn't Truly know what consciousness was or the extend of it. If I was honest with myself, I couldn't stand up to debate with psychologists or experts in the fields of consciousness. It was time to integrate myself. That scared me quite a lot. What if they told me that my experiences were invalid? What if they told me there was something wrong with me? Could I hold up to scrutiny?

In October 2022, I attended my first lecture on 'The Science of Psychedelics' by Dr Jonathan Illif. My second lecture a few months by Dr David Luke was on 'The Science of Magic Mushrooms'. Shortly after that, 'The Science of Psychedelics' by Dr Chris Timmerman. It was curious that I was attracted to these lectures because I had never taken proper psychedelics (Technically MDMA has psychoactive properties but I wouldn't personally include it as a True psychedelic). However, these lectures included topics, perspective and explanations for my experiences and consequent perspectives.

In April 2023 I attended 'Breaking Convention' which is Europes largest conference on 'Psychedelics and Consciousness'. Over 3 days there was talks on subjects such as: 'beyond subject and object, beyond human; mysticism, Truth and other speculations'; 'exploring the mystery of death through sacred plant medicine'; 'The Neuroscience of DMT: Past, Present, and Beyond'; 'Força (power) and ayahuasca multiplicity'; 'Illusionism and the psychedelic experience'; 'MDMA-Assisted Therapy for PTSD'; 'The shadow in the psychedelic movement - and what we can do about it'; 'Messianic Mystics: When Spirituality and Politics Meet'; 'Obsequies for the Psychodelic Renaissance: Non–Oblivious Semantics for the Psychoptic Resurgence' etc.

The conference was a particular turning point. I appreciated that my experiences weren't invalid and that there were others out there trying to make the world a better place from the basis of explaining consciousness. I also had better direction for how to do inner work. Toby had been tremendously insightful but having a greater breadth of insight helped me tremendously. Not only that, I was beginning to connect with other like minded Individuals. During my first lectures I made friends with a wonderful wyrd woman named Sam. Sam and I clicked quickly and to this day she's one of my best friends <3. She's one of the most intelligent woman I've ever met! We laugh because she's such a nerd for books on esoteric knowledge. Having studied to be a doctor, she has immense knowledge about the body, but more than that; she has retrained and gained her masters as a counsellor and has a deep understanding of astrology as well as other esoteric practices. Certain people can see through the vail and work with the void; she's one of them. We've had very-a-many jubilant moments together since the start of 2023, challenging, helping, supporting and living life with one another. I also met another funderful gorgeous lady whilst at the conference who has been such a radiant light in my life for the past years - Anda. Of course there would be a synchronous & serendipitous story to go behind our meeting. I'll keep it short in so far as, I ended up in a press conference by accident because I happened to know where it was and led someone there. I was allowed to stay in a room of the most prominent minds in the world of psychedelic and consciousness research and legislation. I heard Anda's voice when she asked a question to the panel, but I couldn't see her. At the end of the panel, I hung around to have a chat with the lady who organised the press conference and did much of the logistics for Breaking Convention. One by one people left until this rosy cheeked big brown eyed bouncy lady came over. Her aura was beaming! I mean, I was at a conference on psychedelics; most peoples auras were bright and clear, but Anda's was a warm radiant halo of bubbly golden-orange outshining all else. We ended up hanging out for part of the afternoon. She told me how she was a qawaq oracle, psychedelic researcher who was practicing shamanism and that day she'd had an intuition to look out for 2 butterflies. I have a moth and a butterfly tattooed on my neck. And so the story goes, she's such an amazing hooman I'm grateful to have in my life <3.

And so, 2023 was a period of inner work. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, but I was focussing in the right direction - inwards. I worked with my intuition and started to meditate. The progress was slow but it was progress nonetheless. I was happier, I was aligned with why I began this journey, I embodied previous experiences and wisdom, the world was bright and full of life, I was connecting with people freely, good luck was streaming my way, I felt on track, I felt grounded and content; I was free and in flow. Things were coming together on all levels; I was in a state of growth and and abundance. The first two thirds of the year were stepping from positive to positive. I started studying for a counselling skills diploma. I had started living with my friend Ace who was Toby's best friend. I was getting by comfortably. I went on a gorgeous holiday to my friend's house in Rodez. And I had plenty of strange experiences as I was better connecting with reality. One example really changed my understanding of reality..

I was heading up into London to meet Anda. She was only in the UK for a few months as her homestead was in Peru. I'd headed up into London a little early just to have a walk about and people watch. People are fascinating and today told a particular story. Over the space of an hour or so, I had been up and down escalators, on and off of tubes, in and out of seats, and towards and past plenty of countless faces. Gormless with glazed eyes; screen-locked with their nose in their phone; red-lipped and rosy-cheeked; shell-shocked suit & tie serenity; mission-bound; poker-ready; conditioned carcass; and overall unemotional heads facing the floor. Head held high; scanning the surrounds, I sought conscious connection with any woken wit willing to throw me a wink. I made eye contact with 5 people. The first was a young toddler who was wobbling and waving at passers by; 'hello' I waved with soft eyes. The next was a jogger who was full of energy adorning a big smile on his face; it was nice to see someone running and not treating it as a chore. The next was a new mum with her little one sat on a bench in a small London green space; glowing and drenched in sunlight she raised her head for a brief moment of shared elation for the beauty of life as they both looked to me. I said hi to a couple of grand gnarling trees who had seen London morph over time like a sprawling ants nest. The people I had made eye contact so far we being's enriched with light and embodying love. The swathes of passers by certainly weren't the same. The last person who made eye contact with me was equally hightened in their connection with reality.

A left, a right and onto another street. I was walking on the right hand pavement skirting a tall overshadowing brick wall. The other side of the road; shops, retail, cafes. As I happily bounded along in the sunshine I looked forwards and across the street to a cafe. The was man sat outside the cafe facing down the street reading a newspaper. He was a business type; brown loafers, blue chinos, an unbuttoned white collared shirt, slicked back black hair. My attention had been on him for no longer than 3 seconds before he intentionally lifted his attention from his paper and across to me. There was no logical reason for him to look up and across the street at me. His action was clean and intentional, as if he knew I was aware of him. His full and black eyes locked with mine. I've never seen someones eyes entirely black. Within 2 seconds of his stare, I felt a wave of cold pass around me. I didn't feel a chill over my body like a cold breeze, it was like I could sense an energy pass around me without touching me. At the same time, the pentacle ring I had on my left hand index finger felt like it was on fire. I mean this quite literally. the ring was burningly hot. I severed the eye contact, raised my hand and started to take my ring off. Within three or four seconds of wiggling off this ring, I had passed the cafe and made an impromptu right turn down another street. I took the ring off and had to blow on it to cool it down. What the fuck just happened? [This is an excellent example of the power talismans and protective items can work - the ring took the entire psychic attack!]. I shared this experience with Anda who shared her insights on demonic energy. I believed what she was saying but didn't yet fully understand how this was possible. Where was the line between metaphor and actuality? I appreciated the truth of the experience and was open to learning more; I wanted to understand in terms of energetics, psychology, spirituality, and the blurred deep ineffable knowing of True. This experience was real, what else is real and where's my part in all of this? The experiences over 2023 ranged from my this event, to looking at my phone a moment before someone I was thinking about would message me, to dreaming things days, weeks and months before they came to pass, to knowing when people behind me were looking at me etc. 2023 was proving to be an induction into the imaginal.

In August, other than my online counselling skills diploma, I had nothing to do so decided to head to Kent to hang out with Gemma as we both had free time. For context, Wayne and Gemma broke up in 2022. Nonetheless, I remained good friends with them both. As I previously mentioned, Gemma and I got along really well. Since 2021, she had become one of my absolute best friends. We were the kind of friends who could let down our guards and be our authentic goofy selves; we could call each other out on one another's shit because we knew it was meant with love to bring awareness to things we felt weren't ok; we went out of one our way to help one another if we could. In a non-romantic sense, I loved Gemma. She was like a younger sister for the time I had known her - she was my peer. Sometimes she was a bit immature and naive, but she was 19 when we met and 21 by this time. Plus, we can all be immature and naive - It's more about whether you're willing to grow from your experiences. Regardless of some youthful behaviours, I saw the spark of light and kindness of a country girl who had endured some real hardships in her life. We resonated on a number of levels. To name but a few things; we both enjoyed our own company, we were both very intellectual and scientific minded thus would joke about in a witty way, we both loved animals, we had the same music tastes, and we both wanted to love free of the constraints and impositions of others. You cannot put into exact words the resonance and synergy between two people.

Gemma lived with three other ladies in a small house in the Kent countryside. Technically, it was a small farm. The owner was a lady in her late 30s who owned a couple of livery yards and kept some farm animals; chickens, two goats, 5 dogs, and some horses. It was a 'working house' by all senses of the term. It was a gorgeous break to stay with Gemma. She was a phenomenal cook so whilst she cooked, I picked the music and we cut curvy shapes in the kitchen whilst we pretended to be posh as we finished off bottles of wine. We went out for walks in the rolling emerald green hills of the Kent countryside and chatted nonsense about life and love. All I care for in life is love; that includes spending as much time as I can - creating meaningful memories - with the people I love where I can. August was exactly that and our connection grew intensely. She was a best friend I could never imagine not being in my life. We headed into London one weekend for a night out as she had never been to a rave before. I'd also never raved in London and hadn't been for a boogy in a long time. I'm a fiend for going for a boogy - it's when you can let loose of all thoughts and simply be in free flow of pure emotion. We went to E1 and partied hard! During the night, we danced close as two best friends do. Hand in hand, hugs and head bops. As the night went on, Gemma began dancing back into me with intentionality. I loved Gemma, but not like that. I'd never looked at her like that; she was like a little sister. I have plenty of close female friends and she was one of them. I kept things fun and we had a fun night but played it off. We didn't need to speak about it; we'd had a fun night and nothing between us had changed. But now I was thinking about it.

Blurred Lines

I'd always had a mantra along the lines of 'you should date your best friend'. The person who you love most, play with, fuck with, build with, the person you marry and are whole with should be your best friend. Gemma was my best friend, and after that night at E1, I was thinking about it? Do I love Gemma like that? Do I see a future with her? Was I sabotaging the possibility of something really special because of my perception of her or old wounds? What was the underlying meaning for her actions at E1? The following week was just a fun between us, same ol' love of hanging out, watching quirky stuff on tv, listening to music etc, but I was trying to determine exactly how I felt about her. Come the next weekend, we went to Studio 338 where we met a couple we had met at E1. The night was one of loose intentions and room to be free. And again, Gemma was being particularly ass-in-crotch intimate. I loved this girl, but did I love her like that? I didn't know how she felt and honestly didn't now how I felt. There was a moment we found ourselves alone. I tried to sculpt sentences that might lead to her revealing her feelings. The blurred line was as opaque as ever. There was only one way to find out the truth and before knew it, I had initiated a kiss. I genuinely had no idea what the consequences of this would be, but I believed our friendship was strong enough to endure a 'high' kiss. There was a moment; it felt odd, but it didn't feel wrong. Gemma didn't recoil immediately, but after that moment, she leant back and with sad eyes she told me how our friendship is too important to her. Finally, I had a clear-cut answer. I explained how our time at E1 and earlier in the night had been confusing so needed to know but it was ok. We enjoyed the rest of the night. Our friendship was unharmed but there was a hazy hue of confusion in the air.

This dazed dissonance remained for the following days. Our friendship was unharmed; we were still having fun and chilling together, but we hadn't spoken about it. I hadn't yet assimilated a conclusion of what to say and Gemma wasn't capable of initiating hard conversations no matter their importance. We were due to go to Sundown Festival the following Friday - 4 days after the kiss. One of Gemma's favourite music artists was Raye was performing so I booked tickets. Life is for living and this was a one-off opportunity. Gemma had never been to a festival, however she made it clear that she wasn't the kind of person who wanted to camp; that was beneath her. So we packed up the car with a mattress, goodies, all the necessities and embarked on the 5 hour road trip! It took a little longer than hoped due to Friday M25 traffic slowing down the drive but the energy was high as we bumped Raye and other big-bad tunes. On the journey up, I wanted to consciously communicate about what had happened; no blurred lines, no insinuation, nothing left to imagination. In my mind, you share your thoughts and feelings with best friends knowing that whatever you say will be met with open -awareness and love. I made it clear that I loved Gemma but as a sister; as my best friend. Her actions in E1 and Studio 338 had been a little confusing and I wasn't sure about how I felt. It wasn't along conversation but it smoothed things over well. We were in afar better place. We reached Norfolk late eventually parking underneath a big oak tree next to a farm a couple of minutes away from the festival. It was our own secret little secluded site for shenanigans.

The festival made me laugh. The music had its moments and we had a good dance to some dappy tunes. Gemma and Matt were back to normal and I actually felt closer with Gemma than before. What really encapsulated our interest was the sociology of the 17-20 year olds unwittingly performing the expected acts of people of that age; gaggles of girls in matching garments with group leaders and mindless mannequins in tow; bands of baboon-like blokes barrel-chested and beefy; quirky lost ones looking for something - friends? a music set? self-confidence? why they're here at all?. We watched the droves of diversity repeat the hamster wheel. I love it, I love looking through the vails at behaviours beneath and who people are sublime to the skin. Gemma and I had plenty to giggle at, including her head-held-high-princess-like posture. I'd already been shown the vulnerable and kind country-girl within, so found her disgust for the people who were her age acting like a mindless monkeys funny - almost ironic because, of course, she was more grown in many ways which is why we were friends. People grow at their own rate so found the whole thing entertaining to observe.

Raye was on that evening. We found a spot in line with centre stage with space to breathe. The set was amazing! A live brass band with Raye performing her debut album! She sounds as good live as she is on an album and put on such a show. But there was something more special than Raye; watching Gemma go wild in free flow, dancing with her hands to the air. I can't speak for anyone else for I have not lived anyone else's experience than my own, but when someone you love is beaming and happy, laughing and smiling, that's everything to me. Seeing Gemma so happy filled my heart absolutely. But something was different. Throughout the day we had been dancing closely; there was plenty of hugs and time to dance together as best friends, but she was acting different as Raye's set progressed. She was now dancing back into me with intentionality like when in E1 and Studio 338.  Of course I was extremely confused - She had told me that she doesn't want to jeopardise our friendship? - but I played it off and kept in my free-flow way of being. Later in the night, the line was pushed a little further as he gave me a big hug with a quite intense kiss to the neck. This was new and again, confusing considering what she had told me. I was open to the idea - she was my best friend and we had become incredibly close over the last few weeks - so I gave her a kiss on the cheek back which wasn't met with unwant. Ok, now I was confused... Deal with this another day. We headed back to the car and crashed out in bed. The next day, nothing had changed in how we were acting towards one another. We'd spent plenty of nights in the same bed with no thought of anything happening - at least not on my side - and we were still simply being best friends. The next day was just as fun with nothing being overstepped, but the line certainly had dust kicked over it. Leading up to Monday morning and heading back to Kent was the same as any other day hanging out together. We got back relatively late on the Monday and headed to bed exhausted. I'd deal with this tomorrow. We've got to talk about this...

Tuesday morning I woke up to the trailing ends of a vivid dream of Gemma and I in large kitchen/dining area. I saw and felt that we were in a relationship but it was coming to an end. Dreams are a fascinating phenomena when we are deeply connected to the unconscious where things like intuition and foresight can flow freely. Some dreams are metaphorical of events past or future, some dreams are an allegorical reflection of present feelings, some dreams insinuate a lesson which needs to be heeded, and some dreams are exact precognitive moment-by-moment scenes which later play out like a frame-by-frame movie you are rewatching. Sometimes, it's hard to know which are which. I didn't know what this one was, but it felt clear and crisp.

Tuesday came and went with chores and slow stretching intention. By the evening, Gemma was in the kitchen and had started cooking some roast veg. I can't recall how I specifically initiated the convocation, but I raised the question of what had happened at Sundown and what Gemma wanted. She's intelligent and we entered a convocational battle as she skirted the question and I probed for the truth. Avoiding an answer, she kept flipping it back on me; asking what I wanted. So I told her quite plainly that she's my best friend and I although I don't know where it might lead, what's the best that can happen? I've always said you should date your best friend and if she feels the same, doesn't she want to try? If she's the person I thought she was, then if things weren't right then our friendship was stronger than anything that could be thrown at it. Nothing can undermine the truth and she had nowhere to hide. She said how she doesn't want to jeopardise our friendship because I was her best friend in a mindset of what's the worst that could happen. I understood that, but her actions were unaligned with her words. 3 times now she had overstepped the line, so I maintained my position and re-asked, "what do you want?". I was leant against the sink with her in my face whilst this back and forth went on until a final "what do you want?" led to a scrunched up nose, big aquamarine eyes flickering back and forth across mine and the truth will out. I'll save you the details, but that night was the start of our relationship.

What's The Bwoerst That Can Happen?

A couple of weeks prior to stepping into a romantic relationship, before any of this was even a flicker of a thought, Gemma found out that she needed to move out for a minimum of three weeks. The lady she was staying with was selling her place and was upscaling. Or I should say, her sugar daddy was investing in her so was buying a multimillion pound livery yard and selling the country home. I'm not sure how you (as a reader) will appreciate someone having a sugar daddy. My perception was this; the land-lady was a kind and open person who genuinely looked out for Gemma and was welcoming and kind to myself. She seemed happy, was living a life she wanted, had a boyfriend who she apparently was completely open and honest with. I can only judge a person on things which I value; empathy, kindness without want for reward, a give-give embodiment, openness, genuine authenticity, love. What a person does with their time and exactly how they live their life is none of my concern after that. Anyway, Gemma needed a place to stay from September. I asked Ace and he was happy to have a friend of mine stay; he trusted my judgement after I explained that she was my best friend. Of course, by the time Gemma came to stay, we were in a relationship. I was more than happy with this and Gemma seemed to be too as it meant we could continue seeing lots of one another as we had for August. As I mentioned earlier, all we have in life is time and so the time I can share in making memories with those I love means a huge amount to me.

Now, as I have reiterated so many times in this story, words will never do justice to the whole story. Furthermore, following events are strange to write in hindsight because my perception at the time was completely different from that which I later came to learn. I will do my best to paint a picture of key moments and the flow of changing events as I lived them but also eulogise the truth of what I later came to learn.

October rolled into November and before we knew it, Christmas was imminent. The lady the Gemma was supposed to live with took nearly 2 months to secure her property and when she did, she was asking for around £800 per month; double what she was paying Ace and £200 more than originally arranged. She would have to move two hours away to the east of London and would re-enter a situation of slaving away and picking up after the other ladies. She preferred to stay. We had a really good thing going on at home. Gemma genuinely loved to cook and was far better than I, so that became her thing. I would clear up, wash up, prep food where I could, do chores around the house, and be the handy man. Ace worked most of the day and we appreciate he wasn't asking for a crazy amount of rent, but he helped clear up and occasionally cooked. The whole house had a give-give-give vibe going on in my opinion. If there was something that needed doing, we'd get it done even if it wasn't that person's responsibility. I also spent stints of time in Devon with my dad to help him as he had been in a bad accident and had work to do around the house. This was good for everyone as we weren't constantly in each other's pocket at home. Alongside this, Gemma and I also found plenty of time to have fun together. After moving in, we went to 9 raves up until the new year. Homelife was kind of ideal. Three best friends living together, I was in a relationship with someone who meant more to me than the Earth and sky, we had two kitty cats, a gorgeous house in a nice area with lots of green space around, I was studying with the intent of one day becoming a life coach and Gemma was building her life with the intent to study. Life was good in all forms.

Personally, I had learned a lot during my relationship and from aftermath of Natalie. The importance of moving freely, being true and genuinely yourself for who you are in that present moment - even if that means making mistakes and being naive; consciously communicating and share your thoughts and feelings because in a healthy relationship they will always be met with unconditional positive regard; to be vulnerable!; to genuinely and actively listen;  to not lie or deceive regardless of reason; to support one another in their hopes & dreams but also give an honest opinion even if it is hard; to love the best you know how as that present version of yourself but know that no one is perfect so there will be hard times for all kinds of reasons and work through them with loving intent to grow together. Things like that; A True love. It's easy to say these things. What matters is their embodiment. What matters is love. I'd say that I've always moved with love at the core of my being, but equally, in hindsight, youth, naivety, and other unconscious drives have dictated my younger self. However, since 2019, love truly has been at the forefront and core of my intentions, actions, thoughts and feelings. Nonetheless, I am also human, and loving intentions doesn't always mean perfect performance for none of us are perfect. Love is the life-long lesson we are all here to learn to embody. In learning about reality, all leads back to love. Again; words. The point is that I believed Gemma and I loved one another with this level of incorruptible connection and indestructible meaning; that we were ready for True love.

One 'thing' which had come into my awareness before dating Gemma was the premise of polyamory. Over 2023, I'd connected with a number of very open, empathetic, kind, loving individuals who were polyamorous. As I understood it, the premise of polyamory was to be free to engage in and share love where you feel it. If you love someone, and they love you, to lean into and share in that love. Who is it for someone else - your partner - to deny you from experiencing life or sharing love. Life is for experiencing. This was my rationale. Polyamory seemed to be about 'freedom' and 'love'. I felt like I was lacking something or was not grown enough if I wasn't polyamorous - all of these extremely 'free' individuals I had met were polyamorous. I wanted to at least try polyamory and felt if I was going to find out if it's for me, then who better to try with than Gemma. I thought that, no matter what challenges came our way in life, our love was stronger and we could overcome them. Polyamory was a new experience; I knew nothing about it so there would surely be mistakes but we'd find out if it worked for each of us and embrace the challenge together. Personally, Gemma was my 'one' so anything else would simply be an extension of experiencing life beyond an already full cup. She made it clear she also wanted this s we'd figure it out together.

A Revelation of Personality

One thing that Gemma and I resonated over was the knowing that 'you can do anything you choose to in life'. It is an important revelation to have; to deeply know that you can do what you want, how you want, and use your will to act in whatever way you choose in the 'now'. Willpower, conscious choice, volition; there are many words which elude to this embodied practice and its power. If I could surmise the main difference between a narcissist and an empath with this woken mind awareness, it is that both of these people know this truth, but one embodies an intentionality of love, whilst the other embodies an intentionality of self-service.

This freedom to act authentically was a part of why my perception of Gemma had changed from the young girl I had met in France to a more mature woman who I resonated deeply with. Personally, I was building a life in which I determine my work hours and what I do day to day - This level of freedom is important to me. My intention since leaving my recruitment job was to be a life coach. I knew that I still had some ways to go with that externally and internally. So, I did handyman jobs and focussed on my studies. I wasn't rich, but I always had enough for food, rent, goodies, and going out. Nothing extravagant but also not hard done by. Life was good, simple. Gemma wanted for a similar life of freedom. She had learned a trick or two whilst living with the women in Kent and made it her intention to find someone who could pay her way (she wanted a sugar daddy). As I mentioned, how someone lives their life is up to them; the fact she seemed to be sharing the truth and communicating was the important part. She told me that it was always only 'dinner and company' - nothing more. If she could get some money out of rich narcissistic men, then why not. My main concern was that I didn't want her getting in harms way or becoming drained / losing herself. When 'exchanging energies' with someone, you take on that person. If they are individuals with 'negative energies' - I'm using broad terms here - they can cause physical, emotional, mental or spiritual harm. It was Gemma's life; I advised caution but if this is her choice I wanted her to be free to forge her own path. If I could support or protect her in any way, then I would. London is a dangerous place and this line of work is risky; meeting rich men off the internet for dinner and drinks is a game of fire and hidden intentions. We took every precaution such as having a live location service on her phone (although, it hardly ever worked). The intention was to find one or two men who purely wanted conversations and company on a regular basis. Sounds pretty harmless and a good gig.

By the new year, I was ticking over looking at setting up as a 'leadership development mentor for young adults'. Gemma had found a couple of rich men. I was never privy to their convocations; not in the sense that I wanted to know, but she made a specific effort to move to a place where no one could hear her on the phone. There was one guy in particular. She would rave about how much money he has, how important he is, and how she gets doted upon, and yet would complain of his narcissism such as withholding money, underpaying her, and generally being controlling. This man was not a good person, but she wanted it so I gave my opinions and gave her the freedom that was and always will be hers. It wasn't impacting us so far as I was aware; I believed she was telling me the whole truth and keeping me in the loop as I did for her.

The first few months of 2024 were good in my opinion. We went to events, chilled at home, played games, fucked around and lived. My highlight was going to see her favourite music artist Songer. I easily spent half of my time watching Gemma; it always made me feel full of light to see her radiating a freedom of joy. We even went to The Royal Albert Hall to watch the third Lord of the Rings be performed live for Gemma's birthday since we both liked the films. Personally, I felt like I was in a relatively good place. Gemma and I had a couple of relationship troubles but nothing beyond patience and understanding. For example, Gemma was struggling to communicate and we were experiencing a growing sense of distance. Firstly, I put that down to her trauma from home; she had professed that her dad was a narcissist - which I did hear from the community was true - and she was estranged from her mother due to an abrupt family drama. Our apparent distant seemed to be due to her self-professed 'avoidant' attachment style. Finally, her line of work seemed to be one which was messing her around a lot. I'd love to give you a minute-by-minute recount of our entire relationship. There was plenty of drama. One example of the drama that ensued was Gemma coming home one night having been spiked. As you can imagine, I was beside myself. She passed out after getting home so Ace and I called out paramedics and I sat all night until I passed out next to her. Another example was that her cognitive dissonance over repressed trauma to do with her mother (and maybe more) was bleeding into her behaviours and overall life. Eventually, she finally broke down / had a break through over missing her mum, letting out a load of trauma, grief and truth which she had clearly been bottling up.
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There were moments of drama like this throughout the relationship but I didn't walk away. We're all human and can unconsciously display undesirable behaviours we are unaware of whilst we are yet to process our trauma and grow. I had been shown a ray of light and kindness within Gemma; she had been my best friend for over two years now. In my mind, when things get hard, that's when you stick by someone whilst they go through what they're going through. In my opinion, Gemma and I were ok until mid-April. Big red flags started flying around that time; Big red flags that my intuition was picking up on but I repeatedly pressed an override on.

During our relationship, we had become friends with two guys - Diego & Greg. Gemma got along closely with Diego, whereas Greg and I were more akin. Nonetheless, all four of us became quite close quite fast - we were even talking about all living together. From the start, it had been unspoken but well known that Diego liked Gemma far more than wanting to be a friend. *I'm going to share the following events using a timeline as the dates and subtleties are important as to minimise me seemingly throwing words around later on. On the 20th April, all 4 of us headed to a rave. During this rave, Greg asked me how I felt about Diego possibly to see more of Gemma. I told him that we were trying polyamory and it's up to her, not me. After Greg had broken theIce on Diego's behalf, we had a short convocation where I reiterated the same thing; she and I loved each other with the intent of forever together but if she wants to explore more then that's up to her. Gemma and Diego left a little earlier from the event then Greg and I and we met up a few hours later. After the event, Gemma introduced me to the idea that she wanted to see more of Diego. This was a little out of the blue as we'd had a few convocations about the fact Diego was so clearly infatuated with her but she wasn't interested; we even had a giggle about it on the train to that event. I told her that polyamory is new to us and we'll have to see where it goes but in principle yeh, let's try. The only thing I wanted to share with her was that I didn't want to be in a trouple situation and it did make me nervous about the possibility of losing her. She reassured me that I'm her favourite person who she sees the rest of her life with; no one and nothing could come between us. I trusted her, and I trusted him.

The next day, I went for Devon for shy of two weeks and returned on the Friday 3rd May excited to hang out with Gemma for the weekend. I found out that she was apparently working that weekend which was disappointing as we had arranged to hang out since I had been away for 2 weeks and she was away the following week seeing her family in Kent and catching up with Wayne. As a side note, due to her family drama, she ended up living with Wayne for over a year and his family truly were like her family. Gemma insisted she had to leave on Monday the 6th to have enough time to see all of her family, Wayne's family and get the things she needed to get done, done. Seeing I was disappointed, she cancelled her work that weekend to hang out with me for Saturday and Sunday. I really appreciated that as it made me feel like a priority having previously booked over out time! Saturday daytime, Diego wanted to speak to me about the polyamory situation and check I was ok with it. This was very considerate and reinforced my trust in him. I spoke about how we were new to polyamory so there was the possibility of things changing at a later date but with good communication we could approach any challenge. I also shared how I didn't want to be in a throuple. He assured me that he was only interested in a bit of fun and believed that's what she wanted too. All I could do was trust both of them, and I did despite a few gut feelings that something was wrong which I put that down to my own insecurities and anxieties needing to be addressed. The convocation was reassuring. I said we'd see him soon, after Gemma got back from Wayne's. Then, Diego let me know that he's seeing her Monday. I was confused. Oh maybe she's swinging by on the way down. No, no, she's coming over Monday afternoon and heading down Tuesday according to Diego. Gemma had lied to me? Why? Why did she lie?

Love & War

I headed downstairs calm and collected. She asked how the convocation went and was relieved that it went well. I moved the topic over and re-asked Gemma about her haste to get down to Wayne's on Monday? She reaffirmed that there was limited time to see all of her family and she needed to leave around lunch in order to be down to Kent before it was late. I said that's not true and that Diego told me she was seeing him Monday. Why lie? Oh, well, because she wanted me to talk to him before letting me know she was going to go via his incase I wasn't ok with it. She insinuated that she would be 'swinging by' but I worked out the timings and that wouldn't work. She'd have to see him for no more than an hour to get to Kent in the evening. Plus, Diego said they would be together for the evening and she'd head to Kent Tuesday. Why lie again knowing I've just spent shy of an hour talking to him on videocall? Why lie? Just the fact she was lying to myface threw everything in the air for me? Our relationship was built on trust; I've always said that she can say anything to me, anything! Even if I disagree, it will always be met with love. The fact she had lied was more devastating than anything she could lie about. What was most concerning was that the lie wasn't about something 'big' that she 'had to' lie about. It was a relatively small thing to lie about. If she's willing to lie about something mundane, what else was she lying about? We smoothed it over. It was the first time I'd ever found she'd lied to me so maybe she had simply been naive or something. We'd had plenty of convocations where I'd encouraged her to - when ready - communicate rather than 'grey-rock' me as I'd always receive her with love. Now, there was spoken words - words which I never imagined needed to be spoken - to never lie and just communicate the truth. I'd be there for her.

The lie had left me internally completely unbalanced. I couldn't appreciate it fully at the time, but the dissonance between her words and actions alongside my wilful ignorance of my intuition had left me feeling shell-shocked and not fully myself. For the first time, I felt distant from Gemma. The weekend didn't go well. Despite making time for me, it felt like Gemma had done me a favour by making the time. I felt like a third option behind her work and Diego. On Sunday the 5th May, we decided to make the effort to go out for lunch and draw a line under things. I was still rattled and trying to process the fact she had lied tome twice in quick succession, both times in relation to Diego. I needed time to let it settle and have my trust rebuilt. Things got worst on the way to lunch; I lost a tremendously sentimental ring. On top of how I was feeling, despite knowing 'it's just a bit of metal', I didn't hold myself together very well at all. I was feeling really low, rattled and a bit of a shell. I was depressed. I can't speak for how Gemma felt, but she certainly acted inconvenienced by my state of being. We weren't in a good place. I felt like I was being a bad person for being depressed over my ring and for increasingly feeling low that we were having a crap weekend considering she was leaving the next day and this was our only time together in the a space of 3 weeks. On the way home and upon finding my ring on my altar, Gemma was enraged and had had enough so went next door to our neighbour Pats. What was crazy was that we both saw my ring on my hand in the car on the way to lunch? Weird. Anyway, I'll introduce Pats in a little while. It had been a crazy weekend! Heartachingly, I stayed in and decided to cook dinner hoping to cool things off and make the effort to lean towards love. By the time she came back, after 11pm, over 4 hours later, she was more than 'tiddly'. I knew there was no point trying to have a convocation now. Gemma had done as she always did; shut down and avoid. She insisted that she needed to have a girls talk with Pats. I empathised with that and appreciated her need. But she couldn't understand how, in my opinion, going and getting more than half-drunk, whilst we've had the worst blowout of our relationship, knowing we're going to need a convocation wasn't helpful. I was tried to share that, in my opinion, she could've had a girl-talk without needing to get drunk because now, we couldn't have a fully-conscious conversation. Trying to explain this was futile. Have you ever tried to communicate but aren't actually being received?; that the other person isn't actively listening, empathising or showing any attempt to appreciate your view. The egg shells I had to walk on and skirt around to explain this were hypocalcemic - have you ever insinuated to a drunk person that they're not fully cognoscente when they believe they are? Her only focus was that she had the right to do what she wanted; I was wrong to say she shouldn't have done what she wanted. for me, even if we didn't have a solution, just the intention to come together would have transcended this issue. She didn't empathise with how devastating lying to me had been. I mean, obviously, else she wouldn't have lied in the first place. The next morning things weren't much better. She got up, showered, shaved, spent an hour getting ready and left to be with Diego. Yes, I had given them the green light, and no, I'm not going to bed someone to stay. Her actions spoke true. This was the third time in quick succession she had prioritised herself and Diego over our relationship - two lies and walking away.

There was nothing I could say or do. If she wants to leave, that's up to her. She's always had the freedom to be herself with me. I was left for the rest of the week with little to no communication. What the fuck happened? This wasn't the Gemma I knew? All I could appreciate was where this route led. I sent her a couple of voice notes sharing my thoughts trying to see if she understood where this path would take us and that I loved her so wanted to work through it. All relationships have moments like this; the real ones get through them stronger and closer having grown together. Gemma blamed her disappearance on her 'avoidant' attachment style and 'needed the space' unlike myself who wanted to deal with things rather than wait in heart-aching purgatory. Now, it is important to let things settle and deal with them ready so I gave her the space, but there's a way you can go about things and this was cold. Gemma returned four days later on the Friday with Wayne as he was due to hang out with us and go out on the Saturday. Gemma and I were still off on Friday. I was waiting for her to say something, anything, which never came. It was only after sharing my side of the story with Wayne - that I felt like she was becoming distant from me and I didn't feel like a priority to her - and then him speaking to Gemma that she came and told me that I'm her favourite person, she was sorry for making me feel like I'm not a priority and she loved me. She never actually apologised for her actions, but she seemed sincere and... well, it sounds kind of stupid, but I loved her, I'd invested all of myself into her - to be there through the good and bad right? I wanted to get back to the relationship we had been and reconnect with the woman she had shown me exists.

I wasn't perfect in all of this. And what happened next was - in hindsight - probably the end of our relationship. I asked Gemma to step back from Diego because of the lies and way she had left us in a shit position and me in a shit place to go and be with Diego on the Saturday. Then, because we were still in a polyamorous situation, I kissed someone else that evening whilst out with Wayne. I can't blame my actions on intoxication; no one can ever blame something else for their actions and I never reach a point where I couldn't turn 'on' if I needed to be vigilant, but it certainly didn't help. Immediately after it happened, I was awash with regret and apologised to Gemma for being a hypocrite. We spoke about it the next day and she assured me she was fine but that wasn't the energy I felt. She'd done something shit. Now, I'd done something shit. I felt terrible for being a hypocrite and incredibly off-balance in myself. This wasn't me? I couldn't understand what was going on with myself. I put it down to the fact that Gemma and I were going through a tough time so made a concerted effort to not act like that again - I needed to be making conscious choices, not mistakes.

The following weekend, we were going to see Diego for a house-party/private rave so I asked if he wanted to talk about the fact I'd asked him to step back as 'the polyamory' was already effecting our relationship. Diego had never been in a relationship - ie he'd never been in love with someone until now - so I empathised how hard this would be despite having pre-warned him that this was a possibility because polyamory was new to us. Love isn't rational; when you love someone, you love them. He said he was fine and didn't want to talk about it. He asked if I wanted to talk but I was genuinely ok with anything to do with him. As I saw it, 'the polyamory with Diego' was a catalyst but wasn't the problem; the problem was Gemma's lying in the name of her and Diego. I only wanted to check that he was ok. Again, I knew he loved Gemma so I knew he wasn't actually ok and make it clear that he could talk to me. However, I couldn't force him to talk about it if he doesn't want to. The weekend rolled around. Gemma and Diego were incredibly close. Previously, we'd had plenty of times out together dancing and hanging out, but tonight was different. For example, Gemma pushed me away to dance with someone else at one point so that she could dance with Diego; she and he were in each other's ear all evening, and they found ample time to disappear whilst I looked after one of our friends who wasn't well. There wasn't a lot I could do. Considering my actions the previous weekend, if I had an issue, I'd be labelled as the hypocritical jealous boyfriend. My mind rattled about what to do. I was held hostage by my feelings against and my rational for polyamory. In my dissonant mind, there was only one conclusion; Gemma clearly wanted to have something with Diego and so stopping that would merely make her resent me for it and kill our relationship. The best thing I could do was give her the room and freedom to go where she wanted. They wanted to share love and I was preventing that. Despite my feelings and intuitions, I told her she could have what she wanted regardless of me and on that evening gave her/them the green light again. However, I said not to tell him yet as I wanted a day or two to make sure I'm making the right decision for me. Unbeknownst to me, during the night she'd also kissed another guy and picked up a couple of numbers. She was happy, but I was an incongruent mess of head, heart, intuition, rational, and spirit. I was barely present despite my best efforts. I could somewhat steer the sled-of-our-relationship but downhill was the only trajectory.

A couple days rolled by and I decided that 'she and Diego' was too much for me to handle. I tried to explain that I felt like such a mess but I didn't have the words or facts to justify why. Maybe in the future we could 'reopen things' but right now, I felt it was more important to focus on us as we had been in a rocky place for a month now. Polyamory was always meant to be a bonus to the something only we had. How could we be considering 'more' when our relationship was stretched and struggling. She meant the world to me and I loved her too much to focus on anything other than rebuilding us up. Therefore, I didn't want to be polyamorous and would she be ok with stopping too whilst we refocussed on us. We can figure that out again when we're ready? Gemma said that's fine but clearly this was not what she wanted to hear. I felt horrible for limiting someones love for someone else; for not giving her what she wanted; for making mistakes; for being in this situation at all. She wasn't getting what she wanted and I felt like the bad guy. A few days later, we went to Diego's graduation. He had invited us prior to all this drama as he had no one else in the county to invite. We had spoken at the house party about he and Gemma not going anywhere. He seemed overly-ok with it and didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to enjoy the evening; I could respect that. On the day of his graduation, we had a good time but I felt like a third wheel. He had this inclination to attach himself to her hip each time we'd ever met up. To be honest, I never had an issue with this as he saw her far less than I did. I She knew he liked her so I thought she was being polite by giving him time. But again, this day was different. I couldn't put my finger on it. I've always been keenly in tune with my intuition throughout my life, but now I felt disconnected. I kept upbeat and jovial moving with kindness as always, but internally was struggling. Their actions such as walking arm in arm and buzzy connection trying to 'include me' left little to the imagination. A couple of days later, I was going to Comic Con and was supposed to be staying over at Diego's on the Friday and Saturday night. Come Friday, he was now 'busy' at a party and made no effort to have me stay at his. If I wanted, I could travel an hour in total north back to him if I wanted to collect his keys. Big red flag - I'd never bail on a friend like that? I felt dejected. Instead, I made the two hour journey home. On Saturday, he said he was in and I could stay. His energy was apathetic and distant like his hospitality was being compulsorily forced. I asked if he wanted to talk but he assured me he was all good. Again, not true, but I was tired and not going to force a convocation someone doesn't want to have.

Although I wasn't aware of it at the time, I was in a place of extreme cognitive dissonance; flustered in my thoughts, unaligned in my feelings and ignorant to my intuitions whilst trying to do everything to fix my relationship and maintain this friendship. A few days later on the 29th May, I headed to Devon for a week. I was then going to spend a day back at home on the 6th June before going back to Devon for another week. Originally, I wasn't due to be home on the 6th June but I was seeing Tony on the 5th so thought I'd come back on the 6th to spend a day with Gemma. In person, Gemma and I were still overall good. Despite my inner-dissonance, our 'bubble-of-love' hadn't popped. I wanted to come back on the 6th to share with her how I was feeling. Something felt 'now-or-never' about whether we would recover from our turmoil or not. In healthy relationships, you share how you're feeling in a safe and healthy way. On the day I returned, we headed to the high street.

On the walk, she curiously mentioned how she felt she might need to distance herself from Wayne as she felt he was still in love with her. I disagreed. Two weeks prior, Wayne had helped repair the void in our relationship after she had back to back lied tome by mediating for us. So far as I was aware, he loved both of us but isn't in love with her. Then again, I've been a bit out-of-touch recently so said she should do what she feels right; maybe to speak with him first since they had been close for 4/5 years and his family was like her family. I raised the question that she didn't feel the same about creating some distance between herself and Diego considering he is extremely and evidently in love with her. This didn't suit her; she defended her connection with him and that they can just be friends. I didn't want to have a disagreement over him; I wanted to talk about how I was feeling in hope of us. We went on to have a pint at the pub. Here's a load of buzzwords, but the situation was ideal for active listening, conscious communication, unconditional positive regard, a safe space for us both to be vulnerable etc. The crux of what I had to say was that 'I wasn't happy'. I know how that sounds; no one wants to hear that their partner isn't happy. I explained that, internally, I wasn't happy. I told Gemma that I wasn't entirely sure why or what to do, but I needed to share with my partner - with the person I love - the truth of what's going on with me. I stressed that I wasn't unhappy with 'us' or wanted to end our relationship, quite the opposite. I simply wanted to share how I was feeling regardless of finding a solution. I needed her to know the truth of howI was feeling if we were going to find a solution and work through this. I'd already made the mistake of not sharing the truth - regardless of what it is - with Natalie, I wouldn't be doing it again. I shared how I felt that our issues always seemed to arise around her and Diego but that wasn't the problem. I couldn't put my finger on the problem, but my feelings of depression, anxiety, loneliness, cognitive dissonance and heartache let me know that something wasn't right. Gemma didn't share much at all. She insisted that Diego isn't the issue and assured me that I'm her forever person, how she sees her life with me and that nothing can get between us - we'd get through this. She was my best friend; I trusted her unconditionally and her words left me with hope that we can get back to us again.

I headed back to Devon the next morning on the Friday. Gemma had let me know that she was going out with girl-friend she'd recently become friends with on that Friday evening and then she had work on Saturday evening and Sunday. She hadn't been out with this girl before so - in the name of caution - let me know that they were going to get drinks at some bars and maybe go dancing. I realised she'd be stranded in town if they finished at 3/4am when the bars shut. Along with three or four other things we were concurrently chatting about, I asked her how she was getting home or whether she was heading to her rich-counterpart that evening instead of Saturday evening? She replied to all of the other things but not about where she was staying? Hmm, never-mind, we all skip over things in messages sometimes. I replied to everything and again, asked if she had a plan for where she was staying after going out. Considering Gemma had been spiked once and gotten lost whilst drunk in London before, I was a little concerned despite trusting her judgement. I didn't hear from her until the middle of the day on Saturday. She replied to everything, but again, not about where she stayed. It was now weird that she had ignored that part again. At this point I was agitated - something wasn't right. I asked her why she wouldn't reply to the part about where she was staying? She said she had "stayed at Diego's and was hanging out with him all of Saturday but didn't tell me because she thought it would bother me". Um.. She'd have known that she was staying at his Friday evening and spending time the next day when I left on Friday morning. Why omit that information? Why lie again? All of the inner turmoil emotionally, mentally, instinctively, in terms of faith, trust and love was finally too much.

Breakdown; Breakthrough

I questioned her logic that 'she thought it would bother me so thought it best to not tell me'? By the same logic, she may as well do anything and just not tell me 'because it would bother me'. She knew it would bother me and did it anyway? But more than that, why omit information and lie? What really bothered me was that she lied. Once again, she had lied to me in relation to Diego. After all of the convocations we had about being open, honest, truthful.. fuck.. I shouldn't have to be explaining how to be a good person. Gemma was supposed to be my best friend; someone you don't lie to; someone you can be vulnerable and honest with; someone you value; someone you don't want to cause pain or suffering. I no longer trusted her; I no longer felt of any value to her; and I was in immense suffering. I then did something which was stupid and shouldn't have done but stupid is as stupid does.

I was a mess. I was confused. I was scattered and unable to make sense of any of my emotions other than pain. My past, present and future were in question. I had no idea what was true and was desperately trying to piece together the truth. I wanted to know to what extent she had been lying to me. I messaged Diego's housemate and asked him if he'd seen or heard anything untoward. He said he's hardly ever at his place as he's always at his girlfriends. I asked him to keep this between us because, of course, what I was doing was sly. But I couldn't ask Gemma or Diego for the truth. And, in that moment, I had sealed my fate. The housemate told Diego and the coffin had its final nail. I was the paranoid boyfriend and bad person for reaching breaking point and going behind their backs seeking answers.
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I didn't hear much from Gemma over the weekend. On the Monday, she told me that she hadn't seen her 'spelling error' and meant to say 'she thought it wouldn't bother me' that she was seeing Diego. What? On the 6th I had specifically shared that it does bother me at the moment; that our issues seemed to always arise around he and her. Also, why omit the information? Whichever way she tried to spin it, it didn't make sense. Nonetheless, I was at fault by going behind their backs. Gemma said we should wait we should speak in person when I'm home. I was due to return home 5 days later on Friday 14th. Gemma phoned me on the 12th to let me know that 'the boys' - Diego & Greg - no longer wanted us to go to Greece for the trip which we had organised many months prior to any of this. This trip was one big reason I was trying to repair the friendship and repeatedly prompted to have a conscious convocation about things. Fuck I'm getting tired of that phrase - conscious convocation / conscious communication - but it's true! It's amazing how much can be achieved in the light of genuine empathy and love. Anyway, I asked if she had spoken to Greg? No, she'd only spoken to Diego. So we had no idea what Greg's own thoughts are. Diego had pulled the rug pointing the finger that it was my fault that neither of us were now going to Greece. I said that she should go alone or maybe we can still use the plane tickets and book something for ourselves. Gemma said we can't afford to book something for ourselves and we should speak when I get home.

I messaged Diego and Greg in a joint message which was aimed at Diego with a tone of 'what the fuck?'. I asked him if this is how he treated his friends, by not communicating over months despite being asked. I wasn't in a strong position considering I had messaged his room mate. I apologised for that and explained that Gemma had lied to me and I needed some truth but couldn't ask him or her. I wanted to talk and deal with this situation considering he had avoided convocations for months. His response was malicious. The main things I recall were that; overall I am a terrible person and being a hypocrite was the proof; that I'm an idiot for not seeing that Gemma was going to find someone better than me; that he has countless people desperate for his time and attention and didn't have time for someone like me; that I'm jealous of him; to never contact him again; and that if he ever saw me again he'd knock me out. After that message he blocked me on everything. Charming. Finally, the true Diego which aligned with his longer pattern of behaviours had burst out in plain sight.

People asked me many times why I tolerated as much as I did for as long asI did from him. Any great strength can be a great flaw. I see the good in everyone. I focus on the light and every one of us in unconscious hope that by interacting with that part of a person then that's who they will be. Unfortunately, as I have found, I can become wilfully ignorant to the undesirable aspects of a person's being. This has been an important and necessary lesson. And there were plenty of regular red flags I pressed the ignorance button on my intuition. Diego was an intellectual person. We got along in the same way Gemma and I connected. But there were significant red flags. He created music and was technically good at it. I asked him why he created music and his position was that it needs to be a free flow expression of self. I resonated with that premise as it is how I create poetry. However, I asked if he cared to make a positive influence on society,; to aid in others development; to fight the good fight? This was not of interest despite his fragrant bragging about his ability to influence others to do what he wants them to do whether that is coercion in the office or manipulating music for people to dance to. This insight is significant. I see how music, movies, culture, art, etc can be used to influence the minds of others; to develop consciousness in the name of love and enlightenment. This was not his mindset. He talked of individuals he worked with purely because they were useful to know. In hindsight, I should have created space based upon these few things he presented his perception of love. To him, love is conditional. Many things are conditional. Relationships in all of their different forms are conditional and thus boundaries are important. But Love, Love is unconditional. This may not make sense to everyone but that would depend upon your conception of the word. The deepest levels of psychology, spirituality and religion reach the same conclusion about love. Psychologically, if it was conditional for you growing up, you will narcissistically treat it as conditional as an adult until you learn better. Spiritually, conditional love represents a disconnection with authentic self and the universe. Religiously, God's love is unconditional and if you do not know that love is unconditional then you do not know God. There are many more ways I explain love, however, I will wait to talk about love at the end of this story. No doubt about it, Diego was an intellectual person who knew how to get what he wanted. I admired his ability to make things happen, however if one's intentions are not of love then you are doomed to repeat life unable to access higher levels of consciousness which require a True embodiment of Love to reach. Again, words. I digress. There is plenty more I could go into about Diego but he is of little interest to me now. Despite his lies, malintent and fact he stole hundreds of pounds of recording equipment which I had lent to him because I genuinely wanted to see him succeed, I do hope he comes to know True Love.

I called Gemma. When she picked up, her tone of voice was that of unemotional, disconnected apathy. In that moment, I knew. She's check out. All she could say was to speak in person. When I felt the disconnection between Gemma and I, I completely broke. However, in 'breaking', I finally felt some sense of myself. It's hard to describe, and this will be more metaphorical than literal, but it felt like my soul came back into my body. It felt like I had been on autopilot for months and months and in a sudden flood of spirit rushing into my body, I was back. It was like, at some point I hadn't noticed that I had gotten up and left the pilot-seat, and - in this moment of returning to my body - had found that someone had been playing my character. This isn't literal, but it is scary how much you can lose yourself in state of fight, flight or freeze and become a shell of yourself without realising it. You never believe it can happen to you until it does.

Thursday the 13th was a blur. All I could think about was getting home to speak to Gemma and fix everything. Friday morning rolled around and I headed home first thing. Friday was also a blur. I waited around all day for Gemma to return home. Some time mid-afternoon, she'd arrived home but went to talk to Pats first. A couple of hours later, I was invited over. Gemma was waiting. Calm. Apathetic. Unemotional. We talked for a fairly long time. All I wanted to do was resolve everything. I was apologising for my behaviours, trying to find reasons for why I wasn't being the man I used to be, and bartering how to make things work. None of this mattered. Gemma had made a decision that we needed a break. There was no budge around this decision. I'd never been 'on a break'. How is it different from a 'break-up'? I was beside myself, I had no idea how we had gotten this bad but wanted to figure it out. The fact Gemma wanted to go on a break instead of breaking up gave me hope. I asked why she wanted a break and not to break-up. She told me that she loved me and that I was her favourite person who she was her future with but we needed space to grow from this. I was desperately clinging to the fact she didn't want to 'break up'. Wait.. WhAt ThE FuK?! The dream! The dream I had seen days before pushing the line to start dating Gemma. Remember that one I mentioned; the one about seeing our relationship ending. It was playing out before my eyes! The same light, the same room, the same backdoors, the same items on the table, the same tinsel-like silver drapes on the windows, the same feelings, the same words, but a different Gemma from the one I knew some 10 months prior. I was suddenly distracted from this moment of despair and was looking around. I had been in this kitchen/dining area many many times but hadn't recognised the location of pre-cognition until it that moment was happening! Precognition is a phenomenon that I didn't really understand at the time but I will come back to what it is and the whys that it happens later as it is a very difficult thing to describe loquaciously.

Gemma didn't stop her flow of words whilst my attention pinged around the room until it landed back on her. Preoccupied by her own voice, she had no idea what just happened. We agreed that 'a break' is more like going to 1% rather than 0%; it's like two people separating rather than divorcing. A break would give us space to work on ourselves and then see if we can come back together harmoniously. Gemma explained how she'd been looking for apartments for months but this week had arranged with her sugar-daddy an apartment which he would pay for in London plus give her an allowance of a grand a week on top of that. A few months? A month prior we had spoken about moving out together, but she'd been looking for months? Another red flag, but one I brushed over in my codependent desperation to not lose the person I had become completely attached. We said that we'd have space for a little while but then can kind of drip feed back into seeing one another once she is settled in her new place. Again, I agreed. It felt like if I didn't agree, then any hope of a future would be gone. It was settled. She would be moving out but we would spend the weekend together as we weren't 'breaking-up' - in my mind we were 'still in a relationship' but now 'on a break' and reducing contact to 1%.

We stayed together that evening in what felt like reconciliation, almost as if nothing had changed. For anyone who's been through a break up that isn't a clean cut end, you may know this stage - you fall into a fantasmical bubble clinging to a reality that is fast fading around you whilst you ignore the impending arrival of the event horizon of separation. As we went to bed, we talked about 'what will happen next' as I thought she may head to Kent to live with a friend for a while before moving into her apartment. No, she was still going to Greece. She insisted it would be a waste of a plane ticket and she wanted to 'just do her own thing for a couple of weeks'. I knew this was a lie. She had enough money to stay with Diego and Greg, but not enough for three weeks of AirBnB. I knew this because she had shared with Pats that her sugar-daddy was - once again - controlling her money and not going to give her anything whilst she was away in Greece - this narcissistic control of money wasn't new. Plus, she and Diego were on the same flight. News also spread fast. I hadn't heard from Greg until he messaged me that evening to share his condolences about the break-up. I was starting to see a little clearer but still had a long way to go to get out of the thick fantasy fog I had become accustomed to.

Gemma and I were meant to go to Ace's choir recital on the Saturday. We went, but I wasn't very present and kept bursting into tears as the beautiful choral music serenaded the emotions I was trying to repress. Saturday was a haze of teary eyed ignorance and before I knew it, we were home packing up the last bits for her trip. Gemma intended to get a bus from a bus station half an hour away in the early hours of the morning. I insisted on taking her. It would be big waste of money she didn't have to get a cab. All I wanted to do was be a good person and help; she even took my suit case because I'd needed hers to pack up her belongings. Yes, I was going to have to pack up all of her belongings because I couldn't remain in a room full of her stuff until she returned. Hey, it was my pleasure to help someone I loved and was heartbreakingly clinging to the hopeful delusion that we had a future.

Since I had returned from Devon, Gemma had remained a perfect grey-rock but for a couple of tender moments of shed tears to let me know me that little Studio-Ghibli-loving-doggo-adoring-quiet-corner-reading-countryside-girl was still in there. But in the early hours of the morning whilst we prepped to head to the bus stop, she suddenly stopped getting ready, skimmed across the room, pulled me in tight and buried her head into my breast to hide her face. This was a big squeeze of white wine evenings spent dancing in the farm-home kitchen where this all started; this was a tender tightness of warmth and kinship which caused an oh-too-cold and unforgiving world beyond to stop existing for a momentary break of bonded embrace; this was a hug goodbye, I just didn't know it yet. We packed up and drove to the bus station. The morning air was frigid as we waited for her connection. I shared fractured words of building lives that we both want to be part of and she reinforced how I'm her favourite people who she sees the rest of her life with. The light was dim and a bitter sting reminded us the time was that of early morning. Hoodie up, head down, she stepped on the bus behind tinted glass and I never saw her again.

Truth Will-Out

I wondered whether she looked back? If she saw me pouring over the steering wheel? Whether she thought my driving was inside the lines? I'll never know. All I know is that my memories were those of futures left to die. That's melodramatic, but sometimes life is melodramatic. I feeling more than I knew was possible to feel in one moment without going numb; hope, desperation, grief, relief, betrayal, resentment, freedom, restriction, pain, love etc. But this time I wasn't going to go numb. I refused. I've made that mistake once and it cost me years. Instead, I allowed myself to feel all of it and over the coming weeks each feeling separated out to individually make my acquaintance.

I spent the next day packing up all of Gemma's possessions along with our memories, hopes and dreams. During this time, whilst clearing out a drawer I serendipitously found a couple of train tickets. I feel I need to make this clear because I know how it may seem or one can imagine; I packed her belongings - I didn't go through them. Frankly, I didn't want to know more than I already did, but these tickets were face up in the bedside drawer and impossible to avoid. My eyes couldn't ignore the station. Diego's station. The dates were the start of the previous week; the days after the weekend she had omitted the information about staying at his or seeing him as she thought 'it would bother me so better not to tell me'. She had told me that she was working those days. No, the train tickets showed an arrival one day and a leaving the next. More proof of lies. In the bin. You might be thinking some less savoury thoughts about what to do with the rest of her belongings. People certainly shared with me that's what they would do, and worse. But that isn't me. Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Actions matter. Intentions matter. I've been told that I'm too kind, too forgiving, too loving. To be honest, I can't comprehend the idea of being too loving. Regardless of what others do to me, I move with love. Yes, yes, I got used and abused. This story is leading to a greater understanding and embodiment of boundaries, willpower, conviction and expression of love. Embodying love and standing up for yourself - remaining true to your beliefs; remaining true to love - are not independent. We will get to that in a little bit.

I must say, each stage of this entire story evokes different colours for me; some are bruised and blue, some are red with revolution, some yellow and bright with hope and contentment, some of colours so resplendent and holy that they're beyond words known to man. This chapter is black. The shell I had become; black. Gemma's favourite colour; black. The place where I re-found the light; black.

Back to packing. I was lucky enough to have Pats help me clear things up as it was a bit, much, doing it alone. This is a good opportunity to introduce Pats properly. Pats is one of those rare people who's deeply authentic, insightful, talented, kind and strong. A single mum of two having lost her husband shortly before the birth of her son, she's is a biochemist, scientist of the highest caliber and the lady people call in to solve problems. She operates in a deeply meaningful and open-minded way. In short, she is the lady everyone goes to for advice. She doesn't ask for it or preach, she is simply wise in the deepest sense of the word. Other words I could use to describe her: love, empathy, active listener, honest, genuine, authentic, and with a piercing perception. Pats was a rock who I was able to have deeply helpful convocations with. What does that mean? More than I can put into words. She supported me but also advised me. She is a being who seeks Truth and that is what surmised our convocations.

After Gemma left, I was yet to become aware that she had in fact discarded me or her deeper pattern of behaviours. We had agreed to reduce contact so I reached out 5 times over the 3 weeks whilst she was away asking what she wanted to about her belongings because Ace wanted to take it all to the tip if she didn't collect them. Of course, I'd never let that happen and offered to take her things to her new apartment or parents. I had no response. We were also meant to be seeing Wayne on the weekend she was getting back. She had said she doesn't want to tell others about our break and so I needed to know what to tell Wayne as he was already suspicious that something was amiss. Were we going to see him together? How will I maintain this illusion. I received one last short message asking why I was obsessed with her and why I can't leave her alone. By the time had come for Wayne to visit, I hadn't heard anything meaningful from her. I didn't want to lie to him on her behalf. He would know something was amiss; I was a mess. And so I shared everything which had happened since I had last seen him when he helped Gemma and I after she lied to me and left to Diego's. He wasn't impressed but wasn't overly surprised. Wayne is very empathic. He said she was overly communicative with Diego when she last visited him.

That weekend, Wayne received a call from his mother. She said she had heard from Gemma who told her that I'd been a horrible person to her whilst she was away, that there was absolutely no chance of us being a thing ever again, and considering the kind of person I am she expected to never see her belongings again. What?! His mum said both of us will have our sides of the story. Wayne had heard mine and appreciated as I did that Gemma was flat out lying and defaming my character. What the fuck? Despite her cowardice, at least now I had a definitive answer. We had officially ended. In hindsight, this moment was the closest I came to giving in to the numbness. Any hope I had been clinging on to was snatched from my breath as the words I would have plead with were sliced from my throat and bled onto a letter that I wrote to say goodbye. I drove her belongings to her mum's house in Kent, spent a dissociated evening withe Wayne, and headed home the next day.

At first, I was in despair. I was shell shocked. What had happened? How had we reached this point? Who I had actually been? Who was this girl? What was the Truth? In order to answer these questions and not repeat the same mistakes, I sought out professional help and engaged in deep personal work. Curiously, over the 10 months of dating Gemma I increasingly stopped doing my own spiritual work. Now, nothing made sense but I didn't want to walk away from this with a 'he said/she said' story believing something. I wanted the Truth. I wanted to grow from this. I wanted to learn from this. Considering how incredibly discombobulated I was, I wanted to know who I had actually been beyond my self-prehension and who I am. I wanted to root out any unwanted unconscious behaviours so that I minimise the risk of unwittingly causing pain to someone I love in the future. This meant I needed to piece together the full story as objectively as possible.

Dismantling The Illusion

It took about 3 turbulent months of emotional, cognitive and energetic release to fully realise the extent of what happened and step back into my power. I didn't know that at the time of our end. All I knew was that this journey would take as long as it would take. However, from my past experiences, I also knew that an open-mind and willingness to feel what I was presently feeling would expedite the process to lead me back to alignment in my thoughts, feelings, actions, intuitions and overall psyche.

So Gemma was gone. The events I described above happened. But how? Why? I'd been left blindsided and her discard of me didn't make sense. I was in despair [phase 1]. Considering I had acted poorly and naively, maybe I was the narcissist. I thought I knew what a narcissist was, but I've just been told that I'm unwanted and horrible person. My perception was off somewhere and felt that it was my fault we had ended. I began my self-introspection and entered therapy from a place of extreme suffering. I had long rejected therapy because I never thought I was in abad enough place to need it. Oh, how wrong I was about the art of therapy. It is a beautiful tool that can be employed at any stage of your life to help you uncover unwanted patterns and behaviours and process past trauma so that you may access a long-lasting present sense of contentment and conscious awareness. I am also fortunate that my friends are counsellors, behaviour specialists, shamans, therapists, and overall deeply empathic people. In therapy and repeated by my friends, everyone repeatedly came to the same conclusion - which I knew before this break up - that I am a highly intuitive empath. Someone who is narcissistic doesn't worry as much as I do about other people's wellbeing. My intentions we always love, where I had been naive I took onus for my shortcomings with the intentions to be better, I was always truthful and fully-transparent, I was vulnerable, shared and communicated, I gave with no expectation of receiving, I was kind for the sake of being kind, I loved as often as I could as well as I knew how. What had happened?

My therapist had enlightened me to how I had repeatedly pressed my 'wilful ignorance' button on my intuitions. All these red flags. How Gemma said she never fit in at school. I didn't either; I was quirky and weird whereas she was 'better than everyone else'. Her deep magnetism towards money, status and power. I slipped into tears about the situation of our relationship one evening and she didn't react as an empathic person would; I watched her pause and cognitively make sense of what to do before consoling me. She never took onus for her actions (the last chapter is one key example). On instagram, posts will appear that your close friends have liked; hers included 'dark manipulation - pretend you are bad at lying, that way people will think you are telling the truth' and 'dark psychology - say the opposite of what you want to get someones opinion on it' to name but a few posts amongst other materialistic ones. How she used to put on this different version of herself depending on who she was around. I always thought this was due to insecurity, which it was, but also a grandiose facade. How she went to vent to Diego or Pats about me but never talked to me about me. How she been caught out lying to Pats and our neighbour who is a special needs teacher and trained at 'reading' young adults saying Gemma was acting more immature than some of her 16 year olds. The evidence was mounting. A week or so after the official end came the big bang [phase 2]. Gemma was displaying significant narcissistic behaviours.

I thought I knew what narcissism was before this. Oh, it is far more insidious and shaded than the movie-esc grandiose narcissist who clearly loves themselves. It often involves outwardly appearing one way and internally being a completely 'other' thing; a selfish thing. Narcissism is a term which has gained particular popular use in recent years yet many people struggle to understand what it means to be narcissistic or have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is hard to understand due to the complexity of the mind alongside the fact all of us exhibit narcissistic tendencies because we all have an ego but this does not make us ‘a narcissist’. Displaying narcissistic behaviours is more like a spectrum going from little, to mild, to sub-clinical, to clinical.

The psychological definition of narcissism is a ‘grandiose and inflated self image’, although it is not a simple as this statement. There are different types of narcissistic behaviours but the common themes are: Low to no effective empathy; An inflated view of oneself; A sense of entitlement; Craves attention. The term comes from the Greek story of Narcissus who was so beautiful that he had everyone fall in love with his looks however, he shunned others and looked down on them unaware of how his attitude and behaviours hurt other people. It wasn’t until he looked upon himself in the reflection of a pool that he fell in love with himself, cursed by his own self-obsession to never know True love. [ https://youtu.be/c5N8hRyHYB0?feature=shared ] What causes narcissism? Twin studies show there is a strong genetic correlation, however the environment plays a significant role whether this be childhood trauma or oppositely from being placed on a pedestal. Gemma's father is known to be a narcissist by the local community and she often said she didn't want to be like him. So what ‘is’ narcissism? Narcissism can be described on a plane with 2 scales. One being ‘vulnerability-grandiosity’. The other being ‘cover-overt’. This first video by Doctor Ramani explains in wonderful clarity what narcissism is as it is not so black-and-white: https://youtu.be/xO2Ev_1zoCM?feature=shared. These other videos by Psych2Go help put into context how others are impacted by the manipulation of narcissistic behaviours: [ https://youtu.be/bVK6lhpL8iU?feature=shared ] [ https://youtu.be/1kaPhokKjB4?feature=shared ]

Over 24 hours in what felt like a slow-motion cognitive explosion, her pattern of behaviours were crystallising into a tapestry of truth! The anxious-avoidant attachment style going from clingy to distant. The gaslighting and lying leaving my with a dissonant grip on true stories. The cognitive empathy and lack of effective empathy. The conditional love and transactional relationships. The lack of accountability. The lack of vulnerability and communication. The lining up of her new supply. And finally, the discard. All whilst 'being the victim'.

Wait. Some of it must've been true. All of that time couldn't have been a lie? She was a good person inside, right? The person I love isn't a monster!? As quickly as the big-bang came, I went into denial [phase 3]. I was looking for and making up every excuse for her actions. That it was somehow a mistake. We all get lost sometimes? We all need time and experience to grow? She had shown me that she could love? She did love me.. right? I was angry, depressed, and in grief [phase 4]. This lasted for a few weeks whilst I continued to bounce between the feeling that it was all my fault; that maybe I could have done better and prevented any of this from happening; that my past wasn't a lie; that I must be wrong.. After looking for every possible excuse and reason, I was able to come to terms with the fact that I had indeed been wrong. I had been wrong about someone when I'm usually so perceptive. I had been fooled. Once I accepted the truth [phase 5], I could start rebuilding my life [phase 6]. I employed tools related to shadow work, inner child work, perspective shifting, mirror work, reflection and energy healing. Through this experience, I have learned about the techniques to do inner work, how to unblock and become aware of unconscious patterns, how to connect with the body, different archetypes/psychologies and how to spot them, what narcissism actually is and how it may manifest, and how to remain aligned in authentic being. I began building my business. I was going the spiritual work. I was seeing friends. I was feeling confident and happy again. In short, I was thriving again [phase 7/7].

It's not unusual to miss the person you thought you knew. To this day, I miss the dancing-in-the-farmhouse-bathroom plaid-shirt-country-girl who I fell in love with, but I don't miss the pout-lipped upturn-nosed big-city-socialite who I said goodbye to. A close friend of mine told me, "don't try to prove to anyone who Gemma is; she will do that by herself. Be yourself, and let people know who you are. The truth always comes to light." But this isn't about Gemma. I've shared this part of my story in detail because I feel it is important to highlight that anyone can falter as we are all fallible; that you shouldn't remain quiet if you feel you have experienced narcissism despite how insidious and difficult it is to 'prove'; that no matter what happens to you there is help out there and a better life waiting for you; and that the journey of recovery doesn't happen in a linear way - there are ups and downs, doubts and disbelief, grief and relief but the overall trajectory is always towards a 'better' version of yourself.

Although this break up was an intense experience of suffering and revelation, I was fortunate to deeply learn that which I was yet to truly understand about myself and the experiences I had in 2019 and 2020. During the relationship, I had stopped doing the spiritual & inner work that I had begun in 2023. As a consequence, it was as if, over these 3 months, the universe slingshot me to the point where I would have been if I had continued doing the work over year. Day by day was a relentless barrage of lessons, psychological unblocks, revelations, and experiences to do with myself and the ways of the universe. Don't get me wrong, I would have favoured the slow and steady route where everyone was Truly in love and we all held hands singing of world peace but life is a little more chaotic than that. These 3 months caught me up and finally brought a 7 year cycle of learning to a close. Are you ready for the hippy, somewhat extraordinary story of events which happened alongside the 3 months of 'dismantling the illusion'?

From What Was To What Is (The Cleansing)

A 7 year cycle came to a close? What do I mean? Well, I have experienced things which I could not explain. I created waves that set other things in motion. I have gone through a process which I later came to learn was a spiritual awakening. I have learned about the nature of reality from the perspective of psychology, spirituality, physics, ecology and religion. I have experienced consciousness's non-local, timeless, spaceless, reality-manifesting nature. I have tapped into my psyche and rooted out that which was previously unconscious and unknown to even myself. So, how did this cycle come to a close?

In short, I had enough direct experience to know rather than believe.

As I mentioned, over the second half of my relationship with Gemma, I progressively slipped from connection with myself and the universe. I stopped practicing. I stopped meditating. I wasn't receiving insights or experiencing precognition in my dreams. Synchronicities were down to an all time low. My vision of auric fields dwindled. I had next to no deja vu. I became ignorant and apathetic to the fact that these things were diminishing. This pattern was broken when I regained some intentionality and spoke up shortly before we spoke about going on a break. Let the ethereal hippy shit begin!

The first I have already mentioned. Precognitive dreams are not unusual for me. In fact, they're so usual that I forget that they are unusual for most other people. The precognitive deja vu of impending separation as I sat in Pat's kitchen was a real slap to the cerebrum because it had been a while and this one lasted tens of seconds. Anyway, as I mentioned before; The dream! The dream I had seen days before pushing the line to start dating Gemma. Remember that one I mentioned; the one about seeing our relationship ending. It was playing out before my eyes! The same light, the same room, the same backdoors, the same items on the table, the same tinsel-like silver drapes on the windows, the same feelings, the same words, but a different Gemma from the one I knew some 10 months prior. I was suddenly distracted from this moment of despair and was looking around. I had been in this kitchen/dining area many many times but hadn't recognised the location of pre-cognition until it that moment was happening! Precognition is a phenomenon that I didn't really understand at the time but I will come on to what it is and the whys that it happens.. now.. as it is a very difficult thing to describe loquaciously.

Actually.. That's kind of what precognition feels like..
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I used to wonder, 'why do I see the future?' in the context that I'm being shown the vision in order to take the knowledge of this vision and influence my present experience. It took me until my early 20s to learn that I my perception on the subject was backwards and the foresight was in fact a synonymous reflection of my present being. The present and future are one and the same; time is an illusion. I'm not going to mention much more about that right now because precognition is a very fluffy and paradoxical thing to talk about, let alone type about. In this context, this vision was trying to tell me to let that which was always going to happen, happen. I could either accept the truth, or fight it. The end was inevitable, how I handle it was not. Of course, I learned that many weeks after the weekend that she left my life.
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The break up, in the exact way it had occurred, made me seek an understanding for who I had actually been; for who I truly am. In order to understand what had happened, I had to answer the question of what role I had played. Free to be myself again, the holistic extro/intro-spection began. Of course, I was seeking the truth of what had happened to cause the relationship to end so aggressively and abruptly. However, in my search to ease my suffering, I was unwittingly forging ahead on the same path I had started upon with the realisations I had made 7 years prior.

Post break-up, the first month was the most tumultuous. Days bursting into tears over the most mundane minutia. Moments of calm broken by another realisation that my brain had figured out in the background whilst I had been getting on with my day. Sleepless nights and restless days stepping from one explosive feeling to the next like a soldier undauntedly committed to getting through the emotional minefield to the stable land beyond. Coming back into my power and back into magic wasn't easy despite the obvious desire to be my most authentic self. Whilst my vision of auras, ability for healing using mind to heal body, connection with the astral, and capacity for feeling people's energies reignited, I was met with the shame of being out of touch with myself for so long. I had to accept my disappointment in myself for not being aligned and not doing that which I subconsciously knew I should have been doing. I had to acknowledge the behaviours which did not serve me, accept I had displayed those behaviours and wilfully commit to no longer embodying them. I was at war with myself, but I was winning.

My power was growing, but what does that mean? Power in what way? Conscious power? What does that mean? During this cleanse of self from unwanted behaviours and energies which were not aligned with the best version of myself, I was still unclear on exactly how consciousness can literally create reality. I believed it was possible. I'd even had direct experience of consciousness literally  creating reality during my near-death astral experience. But during my waking life, how exactly does consciousness manifest reality? Intentions, habits, daily practice, yes yes, but there's more. Yogi's have been documented to levitate, heal with the power of mind, and manifest something out of nothing. I knew this was possible but felt like I was pissing-in-the-dark when it came to myown practice. I've figured things out myself - as we all must do - but felt I had more to learn about how this all works. If I understood that, if I deeply knew the foundation, then I'd be able to work with it in various ways. I'm not the kind of person to say 'oh yes, drink this drink, it will heal you'. That is equivalent with preaching something that I can't justify why. In typical scientific fashion, if I understand the why it works, I can explain it to other people in many different ways. Yes, yes, there is a paradox in that thinking. 'If something works, then it works'. But I've never been a fan of blind faith. I prefer accepting that 'if something works, it works. Here is why it works and how we can apply that why to find that many other things that we hadn't imagined before also work in a similar way. It's like, you can have blind faith that a country you have never visited exists, but it's nicer to go and visit that country and come back with insights of the culture. The country exists nonetheless, but one way is blind faith and the other of direct experience. Now apply that logic to consciousness manifesting reality. I completely believe it is true; I have unintentionally done it. I want to be able to intentionally influence reality in ways which others would call magic. I want to understand the 'how' so that I can improve my practice. Why? Because I want to help people. If I want to help people, I don't want to minimise the risk harming them by accident. It is through learning how and why that they are able to minimise risk. For example, a person may have the best intentions, but know nothing about how to perform heart surgery. I'd prefer the person who has learned and practiced heart surgery to preform heart surgery on me. Whether I am working with someone's mind or performing energetic healing, I want the same expertise and intentionality as a heart surgeon.

I've gone on a tangent. The point was, I was trying to no longer embody 'negative' behaviours, but it was a challenge. What happened next was, even by my standards of the mystical at the time, unexpected.

A month into the journey, I decided to head into London to meet Anda for dinner and hang out for the evening. For some reason, I had this deep inner pull to go out for a dance. For myself, dancing is like therapy; a chance to let go of all conscious thought and for a momentary period just, be, free. Anda didn't fancy going out but I somehow knew before I asked that I'd be going alone. Going out alone isn't that strange to me as you can have a good time meeting new people with no obligations of care taking anyone. I would head out and hang out with Anda on Sunday. The night was fun. I met some interesting people and ended up hanging out with a group of people who were regulars at the venue I went to. At the end of the night, there was an after-party round the corner hosted by the owner of the venue. I headed outside with the group and have some of their joint. For whatever reason, it hit me very hard and my brain became hyperaware of everything around me. As we started to walk to the venue, I noticed a voice within my head that didn't feel like my own, and didn't feel like my guides or ancestors talking from 'beyond me'. You know the difference between your own 'self-talk' within your head and a friend talking to you. This voice was within me but wasn't me. I had become consciously aware of it but didn't know what it was. Suddenly, I felt out of place with this close-knit group of people, I started to verbally shut-down. My head was racing. I've been in altered states of consciousness plenty of times before but this was different. A guide 'beyond' myself kept saying "get back to Anda. This was planned. Get to Anda." What the fuck? Ok.. I booked a taxi and headed back to the house Anda was house-sitting.

It was daylight now, about 9am. I got out of the taxi and 'LonG StReeT oF TreEs -BiG ReD DooR - BaY WinDoWs - WhiTe StePs' Aaghh I dreamt this some years ago! Why hadn't I recognise this place when I visited 12 hours prior? Same reason I didn't recognise the location of the relationship with Gemma despite being there many times. Everything happens when it is meant to including reliving precognitive deja vu. Moving on autopilot without thought, I stepped into the house and into the living room - the chair, the table set up as an alter with spiritual paraphernalia, the large square carpet shining like a grid on the floor. Why hadn't I recognised this is a ritual site when I was here some 12 hours prior. Yeh, yeh.. I slumped into a seated foetal position beside the sofa terrified why I couldn't speak?! What was happening? I opened my mouth and found I was truly stolen of speech?! Was I going mad? Had I finally lost it? Was I schizophrenic or otherwise? What was this other voice in my mind? "Help!" I cried to myself in my head. The voice in my head laughed. It took all the will I had to do anything whilst I fought against this entity inhibiting my body.

"You awake?", I message Anda. "I literally can't speak - I need your help - I feel I'm the problem - There's something wrong with me - I'm the narcissist - I don't know shit about reality - I feel like I have a demon inside of me. Physically, I can feel it, wrapped around my throat into my chest - I've been a horrible person - Why do you know me?! - It feels like everything's been leading up to today!" Anda tried to call me; I hung up. "I'm in the living room - I'm sorry if I woke you."

I was cradling myself in a ball by the sofa. Enter Anda. Eyes rubbing, lips smacking, shuffling past me to the windows. "Do you mind the light?"; I shook my head. As the curtain fell back, the soft, warm light felt like a comforting wave wash over my body. Hands held in front of her belly like a little old lady, she shuffled past me again over to the kitchen. "Tea?"; I shook my head again. I found it really funny and cute but the voice in my head was getting riled up that she wasn't taking this 'seriously'. Anda made her tea, tiddled over, and sat next to me. She asked how I was and I replied using the notes on my phone. Anda took me seriously but equally didn't 'react' to anything; she was intentional and empathetic in everything she did. She asked me to lay down on the mat in the centre of the room so that she could do a scan. What happened next is hard to eulogise. Words and reference to 'myself' will become a little difficult to follow.

It felt as if there was an energy wrapping and twisting itself up from my coccyx, through my stomach, into my chest and around my throat. She identified there was an entity which had made a home inside of me. In doing so, some kind of bat flew out from my chest. Interesting. Anda then did what she does best; she performed her shamanic energy work on me. The grid on the floor was acting as a container to prevent the entity going anywhere and to reduce its power. The crystals each played different roles in harmonising and directing energy. Her tools were her voice, her hands, a shaker (I forget the name of) and her intentional energy. Over what felt like half an hour but ended up actually being 2 hours, I was writhing and reeling, coughing and crying, twisting from back to front to hands and knees. It was as if this entity had power over my being. Previous to this event, I hadn't been aware of it and that's how it maintained its power. It didn't puppeteer me literally, but had a hand in creating my reality in the way I explained is possible in 'The Letter'. It would nudge and cause ripples of malcontent in the world that I never intended to create. It kept me in a mild but constant state of suffering, doubt, and shame. Now it had been exposed, it was attempting to take over my vessel (my body) and keep me (my conscious self) subdued in a kind of mental prison. It had worked it's way up from my root chakra to my throat and this day was its reach for my third eye and crown chakra. Now, it was trying to puppeteer me; it was a struggle to type on my phone and couldn't talk, it was constantly telling me that we were now inseparable and Anda's was not capable. It was smug and arrogant, gloating and taunting Anda who it treated as a foolish but worthy contest. There were moments it used my body to snigger in jest at Anda. Steadfast and un-reactive in her resolve, Anda did her work, and I fought my fight to not listen to this thing telling me that "I was simply having a mental breakdown and that it wasn't real".

There wasn't one specific thing to cause a change, but eventually, it released its grip on my voice. I felt the energetic tendrils retract and retreat into my torso. At first, I didn't know what to say. I still felt it within me, but now, I could speak. I didn't know what to say. I was still making sense of what was happening and full of shame for being in this state. "I have my voice back". "Yay!" Anda exclaimed as she leant forwards to give me a hug. She continued her work and I remained focussed in my self. This thing wasn't me and wasn't welcome here. Between Anda and myself, it was a matter of time until it was gone. A short while after I had regained my voice, the entity met its demise as it was pulled and twisted in twain. As it was ripped apart, the strings which connected two halves became thinner and thinner until they were infinitely thin and dissolved back into nothingness from whence this being came. Where it had 'gone', I didn't know at the time. All I knew was that it was no longer inside of me.

Everything Happens Exactly As It Is Meant To

For what felt like the first in my life, it felt as if only I occupied my head. The 'normal' feeling of my brain feeling 'full' that I had at some stage become accustomed to, was gone. I felt like myself. I felt like I had space within myself to breathe. I felt free. The freedom I had been long yearning for was, this.

The first thing I did was hug and thank Anda before apologising for ever not completely believing in her. At least, since I could remember, I knew all this spiritual 'stuff' was real, but this 'thing' had made me doubt and had been trying to convince me that - despite my own direct experiences - none of it was real. Anda explained to me that, usually, entities 'parasitise' the outer layers of our energetic fields. For an entity to have opened a portal deep inside our energy fields, it must be invited in. During 'The Cleansing' - gosh, that sounds dramatic - I had remembered the exact moment I invited it into my life. Without going into great detail, when I was about 17, I wasn't in a content place in my life. In jest, I spoke to the nothingness to take away my suffering at whatever cost. Evidently, this entity heard me and occupied my space. Eventually, as all demonic energies do, it twisted the deal into something which served itself. As such, after we had removed it from my field, we performed a ritual to burn the contract which had been drawn up and protect my field. It was not allowed back in. I was amazed but not in disbelief by what had just happened. I felt like a fool for reaching this place but once again, Anda met me with empathy and understanding. She shared with me that when she started on her journey, there was a number of entities she had to remove from herself; that entities which intend to drain other beings energy have a particular proclivity towards empaths.

I had many more questions but was beyond exhaustion. I crashed out around midday for a few hours. When I woke up, Anda and I chit chatted a bit more before taking the rest of the evening to chill. I asked if she knew ahead of time that this was going to happen? She said she didn't - as a vessel for the divine, she trusts to be where she is meant to be when she is meant to be there. That is something I can deeply resonate with. In this instance, if either of us knew this was going to happen, then the entity would know too. I asked about her lineage and how she channels her power. She told me how it is not 'her' power but that of a number of old ancient women. Don't let words get in the way of how powerful these deities who work tough Anda are. In fact, I had a vision of this ancient old lady a few weeks prior that was so strong I used her archetype in a story I was writing. I still had questions about how any of this was possible but we were both exhausted and needed to chill out. I just wanted to spend time with my friend. We listened to music in the setting sunlight, got take out and watched a movie before I headed home.

During 'The Cleansing', I had been shown a vision that the entities which look over me had been preparing for this event for 7 years and thus, of course, the one night I am staying over at Anda's, on the 17/08/2024 (8/8/8 portal), this happened. From a higher dimension, this event was conspired to occur. However, this 'cleansing' wasn't one magical moment of revelation meaning that I was now deeply knowledgable in what had happened. In fact, I felt like I knew less than I ever did. A couple more things needed to happen before the 7 years cycle which I was now aware of was to come to a close.
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What else needed to happen? I didn't know exactly, but I knew I wasn't there yet. Firstly, I wanted to know what this entity actually was. Was it a manifestation of my mind? Was it alive in its own right? In many ways, it is both of these things and more. The best language I can use is that it was a physical manifestation of the 'negative' side of the archetypal collective consciousness as brought to life by myself. Anda described it as a 'tickster', jester-like entity. She described what she saw and I found an image of the kind of thing I saw; we both agreed on this entity being a dark, faceless being with a big piercing eyes and tendril like appendages. If you're interested in abetter visualisation, google 'Kingdom Hearts - Neoshadow'. Trickster energy, like all energy, is neither 'good' nor 'bad'. Energy is unbiased and subject to the user. Specifically, one aspect of trickster energy is that it has the power to tell stories and manipulate a narrative. This can be 'bad', such as the way narcissists can manipulate people perceptions, draining them of their energy. Or, this can be 'good', such as shifting perspective to view things in a different way to help people overcome something and be empowered.

It took another month before I realised how this entity came into being. Throughout this story, you may have noticed that, on numerous occasion, I mention that "I felt I was not good enough" or that "I believed there was something wrong with me". This was in relation to many things such as my health, my relationships and my abilities. Through psychological and spiritual work, I came to learn that this was related to inner-child trauma and my personal shadow inflicting a deeply routed unconscious sense of self-doubt and shame upon myself which bled into my daily state of being. This unconscious part of my psyche drove my lack of worth in my relationships. It caused me to seek validation from 'outside of myself'; meaning I was unconsciously seeking validation from other people such as my partner, friends or strangers. It was embodied in my emotional codependence to people I become attached. It was evident in the physical manifestation of this trickster energy. However, now that I have made this shame-based unconscious part of my psyche conscious, I have taken away its power and it no longer influences how I act or who I am. Although, these are just words. What this means to me is my own. And this is not to say that once you uncover something that it is gone and you are done with the work. You must continue the spiritual work daily. My innate 'trickster energy' is me; how it manifests is up to me. This is but one revelation to do with my psyche and, as you can see, it went hand-in-hand with the other experiences I have had of reality.

Around the same time, a few days before making conscious and unblocking this 'shame-based' part of my psyche, I was advised to read 'The Holographic Universe" by Michael Talbot. This was the final piece. This was the theoretical foundation which I have known for 7 years but until now haven't had the words to describe. But here were the words sting together better than I had the wisdom to write!

'The Cleansing', The practice of spiritual work, the making conscious of my unconscious, and Talbot's framework synergised everything I'd been trying to pull together for 7 years. What 'changed' is fundamentally ineffable. I reached a point of 'critical mass' such that I stopped questioning how or why these things I have experienced are possible. For the first time, despite knowing the fact these 'magic' & 'spiritual' things are real, I wasn't wondering how or why they work. Since this change, the spiritual work I have engaged in has been completely non-resistant, allowing things to happen rather than make them happen or wonder how or why they are happening. Furthermore, I reached this place because I went through exactly what I went through. Maybe I could have gotten to where I am now by taking another route. God only knows. All I know is that I reached this point because my relationship with Gemma came to a violent end. I reached this point because I began deep introspection to understand what had happened and who I had been. I reached this point because I suffered enough to bring to light this trickster energy and enlighten me to the fact physical manifestation of entities is real. I reached this point because, with help, I delved into my psyche to make conscious an unconscious part of my self which did not serve me. I reached this point because all of the above happened.

I truly, deeply, mean it when I say "everything happens exactly the way it is meant to". That isn't just a hippy proverb to make you feel better about events which might be unwanted or provide a false sense of safety in the chaotic reality of love & war. It is literal. There are forces of and beyond yourself conspiring and influencing your experience of life. Every detail is deliberate. Every moment matters. Let me give you one more examplebeyond the precognitive foresight of events and the or the downloading of knowledge from the ether.

A few days after 'The Cleansing', I went to message my friend Ace to let him know it would be nice to catch up now that we have both had some time since the dramatic end of living with Gemma. In short, he got back to me letting me know that he'd prefer more time to himself. During the time of his reply, I was feeling bad for being a less than 'good' friend during the final months of living with him whilst the relationship spiralled into oblivion. At that point, Ace's mum - who I have never met and passed away two years prior - started to tell me that wat happened needed to happen. Ace is on his own journey as we all are. The influence Gemma and I had, especially at the end, was a necessary occurrence. I didn't want to cause Ace any upset or suffering, but that is what unintentionally happened leading up to the end of living with him. Ace's mother assured me that, "Of course you didn't want to bring him any pain, but he needed you and this experience to occur. He needed a catalyst for him to change. He was only ever going to invite an empath with pure intentions into his home, and so you had to be the one". She didn't say what his journey is exactly or how long it will take, nor did I ask. She merely assured me that 'I signed up to play this role" and now that it had happened, he was no longer "stagnant". Considering what had happened for myself 48 hours prior, I appreciated that it takes a culmination of events to occur in order to bring about change. The whole experience of living with Ace and dating Gemma had subsequently resulted in an intense 3 month spiritual crash-course. Now, you might be wondering, "how do you know it was Ace's mum who was talking to you from beyond the grave?" Keeping it short, how do you know anyone stalking to you that isn't your own self-talk? She sounded different and said things that I didn't know in a way I wouldn't have said them. It was a very clear difference considering the new found headspace I was in due to the event 2 days prior. Plus, someone talking to me out of the blue from beyond the grave wasn't the strangest thing to happen that week.

And so, the 7 year cycle to a ceremonious end on the night of Halloween (also, Samhain, Dia de los meurtos, Diwali, and New Moon in Scorpio) as my friend Sam and I got together under a beautiful dome shaped tree to ritualise the journey in the physical to pay homage to the astral and ethereal.
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‍Love

We all know that word, right? We all know what love is. And that’s true. Each time you’ve experienced love, it was love! - love as you knew it, until you knew better. Do you remember the first time you knew love and you went “aha! This is it, this is love! I now know what love is”. The story of love goes how it goes and for many of us it comes to an end. There's ups and downs and in betweens before one day you meet someone else and you go “aha! This! Thisss is love! Noww I know what love is”. Do you see where I’m going here? It’s not that each time you experienced love it wasn’t love, rather, it was a more naive form of love but love nonetheless. And you keep learning of love until you know True love.
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Hmm.. True love.. 8 letters, two words, and a question of existence. Is it real? Is it fiction without substance that people tell themselves to mitigate the terror of existing? Or is it something, more? Well, you'll have to find out and learn for yourself. And whilst you do, remember, it’s not that you learn things too late. You learn what you learn when you’re meant to learn it. And sometimes, it'll be hard. Sometimes, it'll feel soul destroying that you can love someone, so much, hoping, wishing, praying, that this is the lifetime you get to spend with them.. You give someone your soul and they leave you in a place where you’re anything but whole.
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You give them your past, present and future. The love you hold is such that no matter what, you’d be there for the other; for rich or poor, lost or found, right or wrong, wise or child-like, good or bad, from the start to the end throughout it all. Money, status, power, position, ‘things’ don’t really matter. Although these are relevant in creating a fulfilling life for one’s self, they are secondary to the fact you’re living life with them as a part of it. And it’s not always easy - especially through learning what you don’t yet know and growing into who you’re yet to be.
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And one day, you'll ask; "Was it True love?". Was it a promise to try, to not lie, to communicate, to listen, to be vulnerable, to grow together, to love the best that you know how as often as you can and be free as the truest, present version of yourself because.. the love you shared was worth it.. the happy moments, the ineffable connection, and shared experiences always outweighed the tough times because that’s what True love is… It transcends ‘good’ or ‘bad’. It is a level of conscious empathetic connection that cannot be put into words. That’s how you know it was True love.. because it never goes away; love is always with you.
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To give yourself to True love means being completely vulnerable with someone. That means one day you may be proven wrong; that one day you might find yourself alone with the pain of unrequited love burning through your entire being. If you were wrong - if their love wasn't True - you go through every emotion, every thought, every memory, every feeling, every possibility, every breath to build yourself back up again and grow beyond who you were. And that’s the beauty of love; love is always with you. Not only that, if you embodied True love, you know what True love is and know what you’re waiting for. You know that one day, someone will Truly love you as you Truly love them. And if you’re lucky, they’ve been what you’ve been through and will do everything in their power to never let you feel that way again! So remember, it’s all worth it. Love is always worth it.

I wonder about the variety of people you were thinking about whilst reading that.
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And that’s the point. If I were to ever be able to surmise the point in one word for this story of why I am a coach or the meaning of it all, it is love. That may sound very hippy, but whichever route you take to understand anything, it will always lead you to Love. Reality, the Universe, yourself, others, success, magic, politics, history, the astral, the highest form of intelligence, that situation which challenges you, that thing you hope to happen, that missing piece - it always was and is love. That word. If you have questions and challenges, start from that word for it is the alpha and the omega; the start, the end, and everything in between. And one day you’ll know True love is all life and all existence. From the stranger on the train to yourself through moments of pain. Love has always been with you as it always will be.
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The same documentation of ‘revelation’, ‘epiphany’, or ‘beings of light during mystical experiences' etc all lead to ‘love’. In this life, the only thing you’re here to do is experience and learn of love. But hey, that might not be where you’re at right now. You might have your sights set elsewhere and have a different reason for living. There’s plenty of preliminary lessons to learn in order to build the foundation to Truly know love. It’s hardly a big conspiracy that we’re all heading in that direction 💛.

So there’s no end to this story. My journey started a long ago and it still has many lifetimes to go. So I shan’t be superfluous and leave you with some inspirational waffle about how this is the end of one cycle and how I’m now this oh so fantastically grown ball of fucking light and love who is living their dream life of rainbows and star dust. I certainly shan’t be telling you that ‘I’ve had these experiences and now know the truth of everything and you should listen to me!’. Life and reality is mind bogglingly complex, fascinating and mystical. All I can say is that I now know enough to help others help themselves in a meaningful way. That isn’t about what I know or can tell you about existence; it’s about who I am, what I embody and how I do what I do. My role is to facilitate experiences which are meaningful to you - that’s why I became a coach 💛 but I don’t want to finish by talking about ‘me’.
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Instead, I’d like pay homage to my friends. Oh how cheesy. But it’s true. There’s a very special few that I am so, so grateful to have in my life. A couple of individuals who truly are special examples of the best of us. If their is a minuscule idea in your head that they’re the glitter-up-their-ass-sneezing-sparkles-self-absorbed ‘I’m special’ kind of special, you need to check yo-self. They’re the kind of person who sometimes doesn’t feel proud about who they are or what they’ve done; the kind who have known the bitter ache of heartbreak and the depthless disorientating void of darkness within; who have aligned with their shadows, traumas, inner child and abilities; who will get out and act like gremlins shaking what their momma gave them as sit quietly in silence with tea under the moon; who have experienced the highs and lows and are still kind, genuine, honest, life living, dastardly dancing, genuine, quirky creatures of light and love. That despite the darkness they choose love. They’re the ebb and flow people who don’t always believe they’re special, but they are. The kind of people you aspire to find in this world. At least, they’re the kind of people who remind me why I started my journey in the first place..

Why did I start in the first place? Why do we do the research? Why do we engage in learning and practice? What’s the point?
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Over the years I’ve spent plenty of time lost in myself, confused to the world, not entirely present and haven’t been there for my friends as I might have wished. I've spent so much time trying to understand the experiences I had experienced that my focus on the abstract and wasn’t 'here and now' as often as I could have been. I was so interested in my connectedness to Source that I was forgetting about my connectedness to the people in front of my nose. So what’s the point? Well, if I have to pick between figuring something out or living a good and present life full of love, well.. I’ll tell you the story about it one day.

..to be continued..
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